Monday, February 25, 2013

The Granderson Injury and Its Implications

Curtis Granderson has broken his forearm. Actually, scratch that. Curtis Granderson had his forearm broken in what can only be described as a brazen crime (hate crime? Probably). Regardless, the Yankees have some key decisions to make.

First, who will serve as the pro-union antithesis to Phil Hughes' anachronistic far right conservatism? Is Zoilo Almonte really ready for that role? He doesn't even have a subscription to The Atlantic.

Second, who will play center, besides Brett Gardner, who can't hit? I've offered my services but the team keeps projecting me as catching depth. I told them, I was like, 'I don't get on my knees for no man.' And they were like, 'crouching and kneeling are two different things.' And I was like, 'not on the streets.' And they were like, 'no, pretty much everywhere. They're different things.'

Third, who will strike out in every playoff at-bat ever? A-Rod may not be able to resume that role for some time.

Hopefully, the Yankees will figure these things out, and soon. Opening Day is only one month away.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Yankees Beat The Braves

The Yankees beat the Braves. What is this '96? Yes. We won, and Cano hit a home run. That home run cost us $30 Million a year in future contracts, but still, it was worth it.

Baseball is interesting again. Francisco Cervelli threw out a runner. The runner was on PEDs so it's fair. Then Jeter hung out in Tampa in his mega mansion. Awesome. Then A-Rod went down to Miami to continue his rehab. And do PEDs so it's fair. Awesome.

Posada's all like, "I'm not coming out of retirement." More news! Spring Training is the best.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Cuba and South Korea Exhibition Game Cancelled

Cuba and South Korea were scheduled to play a friendly exhibition game in preparation for the upcoming World Baseball Classic, but the game was cancelled when the two national teams could not agree, which ball to use.  According to sources, at least 3 balls were proposed including a "mysterious" ball that the Cubans suggested.  After the baseballs were proposed and declined, the two sides decided to cancel the exhibition altogether.  Our RJG investigative team was able to get down to the bottom of the issue.

"The first ball that was proposed was American made."  Explained a member of the South Korean national team, who preferred to remain anonymous.  "But on closer examination, it was actually a tennis ball painted white with red seams drawn on by hand.  We declined that first ball, and the Cubans proposed another ball, it seemed okay, but when we looked closer we realized it was stuffed with communist propaganda leaflets.  They were hoping that when they hit a homerun, it would shower communist literature on the fans.  It was clever, but we declined.  Lastly, they presented a mysterious ball.  It was a baseball, and it seemed to check out, but when we looked up, it was A-Rod presenting it to us.  He was in a full Team Cuba uniform.  It was so mysterious.  We just decided to cancel the game."

So there you have it.  The first A-Rod sighting comes at the cancelled Cuba and South Korea game where he was likely rehabbing his recently operated hip.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

It's Time for A-Rod to Come to Spring Training

Spring training started this past week, and the one thing that has stood out is just how boring its been.  Every day I wait by my computer, hitting the refresh button, waiting for something relevant to be reported, but instead all I hear is that Derek Jeter's ankle appears fine, Cano's not worried about his contract, Youkilis has taken batting practice, and I can't help but lose interest.  So for the sake of a more exciting spring training, I think its time A-Rod make an appearance.  What better way to shake things up then to bring the A-Rod circus to town?  What options do we have?  A couple more months of mundance spring training notes?  Daily updates on which 3rd string catcher is in the lead to take the catching job?  Regular speculation about which left handed reliever the Yankees will take with them?  More minor league signings?  No thanks.  Give me A-Rod and all that he brings.  It may make the next two months before real baseball begins pass a little bit quicker.

Saturday, February 16, 2013


Oh snap! Joba and Youk shook hands! CC threw off a mound! Zzzzzzzzz. I never thought I could be this apathetic about the start of spring training, but this year feels like we're just going through the motions. Is there anything to be excited about? Maybe the idea that A-Rod's injury will turn out to be career ending, but that's it, and that's not even on the field.

Maybe opening day against Boston will zap me bake into baseball mode, but I'm increasingly lethargic when it comes to reacting to anything about this team. If only Cashman would do something interesting. Besides sleeping with his stalker that is. I know, in fairness he didn't know she was a stalker until after he slept with her, but that's still funny. There's material there. You know where there isn't material? Here:

Jeter is coming back from injury.

Sabathia is coming back from injury.

Mo is coming back from injury.

A-Rod may very well be coming back.

Pettitte is coming back from whatever cryogenic freezing process he undergoes in the off-season to stave off aging.

Oh, that's right, he's admitted to multiple counts of PED use, that's how he's staved off aging. Great. Now even Cervelli is using. Cervelli. Our number three catcher. Embroiled in a PED scandal. Could it be that the Yankees' win-at-all-costs philosophy is starting to have an effect on their players? Could it be that the Yankees' reluctance to let any player develop in the Majors is leading them to try anything and everything to make the 25-man? See? No material there.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Spring Training is Upon Us

Do you feel that in the air?  Yes, it's the cautious optimism of spring training.  This year may call for a little more caution than others, but right now it's just great to see the pre-season starting.  If you haven't seen it already, the Journal News put out a really interesting article about former 1st round draft pick Eric Duncan.  There are also some additional notes about the article on their blog.  The article gives good insight into how the road to the majors can be a challenging one.  As we begin spring training with a ton of minor leaguers hoping for a shot at the big leagues, its a sober reminder that some will give their lives to this game, and never make it to the show.  Its a real gift and honor to make it to the big leagues, which is why PED use in the game is so infuriating.  It's especially infuriating when players who already have big league talent take it to be even better, the Barry Bonds, A-Rods, and Clemens of the world.  Whatever comes from the recent PED scandal will continue to define the players of this era, but for now, its kind of refreshing to read about a former prospect, who worked his tail off, and though he did not make it to the majors, he has no regrets.  Here's to all the minor leaguers in spring training who are clean, and are not taking their opportunities for granted.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The Adventures of Youk and Joba

Now that Joba Chamberlain and Kevin Youkilis are best friends, we can only assume they have embarked on a series of adventures together, of which the following is a fair representation:

[Youk and Joba cruise down the street in Youkilis's Mercedes CL63 AMG, bobbing their heads to the latest offering from Mumford & Sons]

Joba: You know, I just realized something.

Youk: What?

Joba: We are not a good looking pair.

Youk: No. We're not. We're never going to pick up any chicks. Not even in this car.

Joba: Aren't you married?

Youk: Not to you mom.

Joba: Fair enough. Man, I wish Jeter was here!

Youk: It would make picking up chicks easier, he's so gangster.

Joba: Where have I heard that before?

Youk: Probably from your face.

Joba: Ouch.

Youk: Burn.

Joba: Mierda.

Youk: What?

Joba: Mierda.

Youk: Repeating it doesn't diminish the confusion. Are you making up words now?

Joba: You don't know what 'mierda' means? How long have you been playing professional baseball? It means $#!%, but in Spanish. That way if someone's puritanically transcribing our conversation for a blog or something like that, my curse words still slip through.

Youk: Really?

Joba: Yeah, man! It's so great. If you swear in Spanish when the camera is on you during games, the seven second delay guy doesn't even know to move to a different shot, so it goes out live over the air?

Youk: So you just spend the entire game hanging out in the bullpen, swearing in Spanish?

Joba: Yeah!

Youk: You know there's no live shots of the bullpen, at least not from the inside. They only do that in the dugout.

[after a moment of stunned silence]

Joba: Is that true?

Youk: Yes.

Joba: I've alienated Mariano Rivera for no reason.

Youk: He's very religious.

Joba: Very.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

The Inner Workings of Alex Rodriguez's Mind

With new allegations that Alex Rodriguez received personal house calls from Anthony Bosch in order to receive PED injections, many of us are probably wondering aloud, 'How is someone this stupid still even alive?' It is a valid question. How is this guy even alive? Shouldn't natural selection have addressed an entity with such a proud legacy of bad decision making? While we cannot fault Nature for failing to do what the Yankees too have neglected (getting rid of him), we can take a peak into Rodriguez's mind. The following is a transcript, derived from brain waves measured without permission from outer space.

Nov. 3rd, 2012: Man, Miami sure is nice in December. Sun in the sky. No clouds. I should probably do some PEDs.

Dec. 10th, 2012: Man, Christmas is around the corner. You know what? I haven't treated myself in a long time. All I have is this mansion, these designer clothes, these luxury cars, numerous blond girlfriends with fake breasts; but you know what I don't have? Some PEDs. I should probably do some PEDs. For Christmas.

Jan. 1st, 2013: Man, I'm sure glad my surgery is soon. I should probably do some PEDs.

Feb. 2nd, 2013: Man, why is everyone saying I do PEDs? I'm Alex Rodriguez! I don't need PEDs to perform at the highest levels of international competition! I'm as good in Canada as I am in the States. Why don't people love and trust me? I should probably do some PEDs.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Hafner Signed, Canzler DFA'd

The Yankees have officially signed Travis Hafner, to fill the void of DH left by Ibanez.  The Hafner signing reminded me how good Ibanez was, and how the Yankees decided to be out bid by the Mariners for his services.  Ibanez was easily our most clutch hitter last year.  He was one of the few who looked he wanted to get to the world series in October.  But anyways, we have signed Hafner, and with every new member we add to our family, a member has to be let go.  Let Respect Jeter's Gangster be the first to give a heart-felt good bye to utility man Russ Canzler.  Although we just claimed you off waivers 3 weeks ago, and you have never played a game for the Yankees, we will miss you.  It's too bad your Cleveland teammate had to get signed and knock you off the roster.  But don't be discouraged Russ.  Even though you've already been DFA'd four times this off season, twice by Cleveland, and have bounced between Cleveland, Toronto, back to Cleveland, and New York without making a single trip, you will be better off in the end.  Afterall, you will get to miss the drama that will be A-Rod's newest PED allegation, and you'll likely be picked up by another team soon enough.  Here's hoping its not Cleveland again.