Tuesday, January 17, 2012

RJG Speaks to the Cash Man and Things Get Weird

It's been a long time since we over at RJG fired up the old video satellite phone and rung up good friend and future best man at our weddings Brian Cashman. The man who prefers the nickname 'Bronny' spoke to us at length about the trades that recently shook up the baseball world as well as some other subjects. Below is a transcript of our conversation:

BC: Hello?

RJG: Yes, hi. I'm trying to get a hold of a Mr. Goodah.

BC: I think you may have the wrong nu . . .

RJG: A Mr. Goodah-dea to trade for Pineda! Hey Cash! Congrats on the big trade!

BC: Oh, it's you. Yeah. Thanks. Um . . .

RJG: Kuroda too. Way to throw money at an aging pitcher!

BC: Well, I wouldn't characterize it exactly like that, I mean . . .

RJG: Oh totally. He's totally worth it. 37. $10 million. Makes perfect sense.

BC: You know what doesn't make sense?!!

RJG: That was oddly aggressive. What?

BC: Instruction manuals.

RJG: Instruction manuals?

BC: Instruction manuals.

RJG: How much coke did you do in celebration of last Friday?

BC: Stay with me here. A lot. But I just cleaned out that drawer in the kitchen where everyone keeps all their instruction manuals, I can't believe all the $#!% in there! I threw out an instruction manual for a microwave.

RJG: Ok.

BC: A microwave! I mean, seriously, why does a microwave even come with an instruction manual? Who on earth is in possession of both literacy and an utter lack of familiarity with the functioning of a microwave?

RJG: I suppose they're pretty intuitive at this point, but . . .

BC: When you open the instruction manual to a microwave, printed in giant letters should be the words: Are You #$&%@* Serious?!

RJG: So I heard you reached arbitration agreements with some pla . . .

BC: My toaster came with instructions. My toaster. Toaster's haven't changed in design or function since 1953. Why is there a pamphlet explaining how this works? Honestly, the instruction manual to a toaster should instruct you to plug it in and then take it with you into the bath, because if you don't know how a toaster works, you need to go.

RJG: Yeah but there are important contact numbers in it I imagine.

BC: My toaster instruction manual was 20 pages long, and that's just the English language section. It was bigger than the phonebook that inexplicably gets left on my doorstep. Why? Everyone's phone is internet enabled now. Your phone IS a phonebook. It's the giant Google icon!

RJG: You're really worked up about this.

BC: It took me like seven minutes to clean out that drawer. I could've done something productive with my time!

RJG: What is wrong with you?

BC: Your face!

RJG: That's unca . . .


So there you have it folks. Bronny Cash is satisfied with the work the Yanks have done so far this off-season.


Rich Mahogany said...

Brian Cashman consistently gives the best satellite phone interviews in baseball. Probably all major sports.

Roberto E. Alejandro said...

Hard to argue that point, Rich. He also makes the most cogent points of all sports figures.

Rob B said...

I KNEW one of these was coming! Thanks for another installment of my favorite RJG feature.

I still think a baseball bat wielding Bronny every time I see a Droid commercial.

Fernando Alejandro said...

Haha I remember that droid bit. Good times.