RJG Has Another Run in with Selena Roberts

We reported a few weeks back that Selena Roberts had broken into our RJG headquarters and had taken a nap on our RJG couch. Well last night we had another incident with the famed reporter. While Roberto and I were going over Clemens' defense files, we noticed something in the window across the room. It wasn't moving, but we've had a history with people breaking in so we needed to go investigate. We walked over to the window to spook whatever was there, but when we got close up, it was just a cutout of Waldo from the "Where's Waldo?" book series. Figuring that someone was just playing a joke on us, we turned around to get back to work, and there was Selena Roberts asleep on our couch again. The Waldo cutout was just a diversion. I went over and shook her awake, and told her she needed to leave. She agreed, and got into a car whose driver looked a lot like the recently out-of-work Yuri Sucart. I didn't think much of it and went back up stairs. A couple hours later we heard a knocking in the basement, like someone was banging on pipes down there. We run down there and Selena Roberts is taking practice hacks against our water heater, and has a full load of laundry in the wash. I told her to leave and she said her clothes weren't finished. I told her to stop banging on our water heater and she said her clothes weren't finished. We called the cops who escorted her out, and we're now in the process of filing a restraining order against her.

So beware! Selena Roberts may be trying to break into your house next. Don't be surprised if she releases an investigative report on the RJG, but you heard it here first. Selena Roberts is a B & E master.

A-Rod Apologizes to Selena Roberts. Selena Roberts Gets No Such Apology From RJG.

It has recently been reported that Alex called Selena Roberts shortly after his interview where he said she stalked him and tried to break into his house, and apologized for making those allegations. However, the RJG is still waiting for an apology from Selena Roberts for trying to break into our RJG headquarters while small children slept upstairs. Not our children mind you, but there's a family unit above our headquarters. We also have police records saying that Roberts not only was seen coming through our back window, but she also ate one of Roberto's sandwiches that he was saving in the fridge, and then took a picture next to an RJG plaque we have on the wall. After that, she laid down on the RJG couch and took a nap, where we found her, before calling the police. After a brief 2 hour wait, the police arrived and asked her to leave, which she did. But then a week later we came in and there she was sleeping on our couch again. This time she finished my last Guinness, and used all the remaining eggs to make herself an omelette. Security camera's showed her taking practice swings with our Derek Jeter bats, before going to sleep. After we had police escort her out again, she started showing up at our gym in the middle of my Pilatte's class. I was like "Get her out of here!" but then I realized that she was probably signed up for the same Pilatte's class since I was the only guy there. Then I remembered that I wasn't signed up for any Pilatte's class and wasn't really sure what I was doing there, and then I realized that I wasn't even at my gym when I saw the giant "Curves" sign out front. It was really embarrasing. So, two times she broke into our headquarters and once I showed up at her gym and tried to get her thrown out. I still feel like she owes us an apology. Selena Roberts, just apologize, and please stop breaking into our place. If you want to hang out in the RJG headquarters, all you have to do is call.

A-Rod Meets With Investigators

Alex Rodriguez was said to be meeting with MLB investigators tonight about the whole steroid thing. Thanks to our intrepid undercover reporting team, we were able to record and transcribe the entire conversation as it was happening. This is what we got:

Investigator 1: So Alex, can you tell us what bole or boli is?

A-Rod: Its a steroid.

Investigator 1: Who got it for you?

A-Rod: My cousin.

Investigator 1: Okay, well where did he get it from?

A-Rod: From a dominican pharmacy.

Investigator 1: Where in the Dominican Republic did he get them?

A-Rod: At a pharmacy.

Investigator 2: Alright, moving on. How long have you been seeing Madonna?

A-Rod: What does this have...

Investigator 2: I'm the one asking the questions here!

A-Rod: Sure but, it seems like...

Investigator 2: Either you answer the question or you'll be suspended for not cooperating!

A-Rod: Okay, umm, we've been seeing each other since last season. Probably around summer time.

Investigator 2: Do you make her laugh?

A-Rod: I suppose she sometimes giggles...

Investigator 2: Do you make her laugh like I do!?

A-Rod: Cashman is that you?

Investigator 2: Its me Alex! I was wearing a fake mustache. See. And now I've caught you in a bold face lie!

A-Rod: What are you talking about? What's going on?

Brian Cashman: You give me back Madonna, or you'll be suspended without pay.

A-Rod: And whose this guy?

Investigator 1: Oh, I work for MLB, but Hank bought me these aligator boots to let this happen. I'm turning the other way for all this.

A-Rod: Man, so this is really what this meeting is all about Brian?

Brian Cashman: Don't belittle the situation. You took something that wasn't yours. Material Girl got me through high school.

A-Rod: That's fine and all, but...wait, what's that over there?

Brian Cashman: Where?

A-Rod: Behind that plant there, in the corner.

Brian Cashman: I don't see anything.

A-Rod: Selena I see you. Come out of there.

Selena Roberts: Alright Alex you caught me.

Brian Cashman: Oh c'mon, my children are sleeping in the other room. Get out of here!

Selena Roberts: Can you at least call security first? I want to show how good I am at evading them.

A-Rod: Would you just go please!

Selena Roberts: Fine I'll go. Can we ride back together?

A-Rod: No, just go back to ESPN before I file a harrasment suit.

Selena Roberts: I don't work at ESPN.

A-Rod: Well, just go back to whereever you came from.

Selena Roberts: Great, looks like I'm going back to the Respect Jeter's Gangsters couch.

A-Rod: I wonder what Jeter's up to?

-End Transmission-

So there you have it. There were a lot of revelations that came out of this meeting. First, it looks like Alex got the steroids from his cousin, and it looks like his cousin got it from the Dominican Republic. Lovely.

A-Rod Under-performs Amidst Controversy

The Good

Sabathia and his new personal catcher, Francisco Cervelli, worked the Os for a complete game shut out. A-Rod put the first pitch he saw in the seats, a 3 run home run.

The Bad

A-Rod's .250 batting average is the worst on the team. Even worse than Teixeira's .192, since he's A-Rod. He failed to put the ball in play in three of his at-bats. He is clearly the worst third baseman in the league. Throughout the game, A-Rod thought about his glory days spent taking steroids in high school.

This edition of 'The Bad' has been brought to you by "A-Rod: The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez," by Selena Roberts.

The Ugly

At a press conference before the game, A-Rod refused to answer questions about the most recent controversy surrounding him. When A-Rod hurt his hip, RJG sent our top reporter to the Dominican Republic to find out what was up. Selena unearthed Alex's birth certificate, showing he was born in 1935. A 74 year old A-Rod certainly explains the broken hip. When Alex was asked about his age, he was promptly whisked away for a nap by Yankees Director of Media Relations, Jason Zillo.

Home Runs = $$$

A-Rod had only one home run today because he is apparently not interested in aiding our charitable efforts. Johnny Damon's Home Run Club saves babies and then gives them puppies to play with, but A-Rod only pretends to care about babies when Madonna is explaining her adoption attempts to him.

Jorge Posada 4hr = $4.00
Hideki Matsui 3hr = $3.00
Derek Jeter 4hr = $4.00
Mark Teixeira 5hr = $5.00
Nick Swisher 7hr = $7.00
Robinson Cano 5hr = $5.00
Johnny Damon 7hr = $7.00
Melky Cabrera 4hr = $4.00
Jose Molina 1hr = $1.00
Alex Rodriguez 1hr = $1.00
Total = $41.00

If you are interested in Johnny Damon's Homerun Club or the Children's Health Fund you can find links to both at the top right hand corner of our page.

RJG Update

From time to time, we would like to inform our readers as to what is going on in the office. Well, as I mentioned two posts ago, yesterday was a busy day. Why, you ask? Well, our office was attacked by a bear. Not so much attacked, but there was definitely a bear in the office.

Me and my brother were sitting around, engaged in our usual witty banter, when suddenly Deron stopped spewing hate about his favorite shortstop. We both thought it was weird so we looked up, and there, in the middle of our office, was a majestic brown bear.

Now, most people, about 99%, when face to face with a majestic brown bear, immediately $#!% themselves. Not me, I'm too much of a man, I just pissed myself. I played it off though, like, "Dude, I spilt my lemonade." "Lemonade doesn't smell like that," replied my brother, the lemonade expert.

Then the bear let off a majestic growl and I thought to myself, "I'm too pretty to die, I hope he eats Deron first." Then, out of nowhere, Selena Roberts rushes into the office and cold cocks the bear right in the face. I'm all like, "Oh $#!%, she's definitely gonna get eaten." Then the bear started crying, and I'm like, "Seriously bear? WTF?" Then the bear threatened to call the police and report our assault, but we talked him down, agreeing to let him post occasionally and to work as our security guard. The RJG staff continues to grow. It now includes my brother and I, Deron, Selena, and Bucky the Bear, which is what I named him. He prefers Carl but I'm not calling him that for obvious reasons.

The Yankees Are Better At Charity Than Baseball

The Good

Nobody died.

The Bad

The Yanks loaded the bases in the fourth with no outs and only managed one run on a Nick Swisher sac fly. Why only one run? Because Robbie Cano promptly grounded into his second double play of the game. I'm ashamed to share the first three letters of my name with this guy. He's been awful with runners in scoring position lately, or just lately, and I hope Selena Roberts writes a book about him.

The Ugly

Phil-Ming Wang gave up 8 runs in two innings. It looks like his hip is still bothering him. Edwar Ramirez also gave up an additional 3 runs. Brett Tomko gave up a home run to the first hitter he hit, providing further evidence that success at AAA means nothing. Success in Spring Training either for that matter. I wonder if Hughes has any other skills besides blowing starts for the Yankees, he might need them in a few years.

The Yanks Help Support a Good Cause

While winning is not currently part of the game plan for the Yankees, supporting the Johnny Damon Home Run Club is. Damon, Teixeira, and Swisher each hit one home run today. A-Rod, mired in a season long slump, hit no home runs and is hitting a paltry .143. Teixeira gave him a pep talk after the game.

Jorge Posada 4hr = $4.00
Hideki Matsui 3hr = $3.00
Derek Jeter 4hr = $4.00
Mark Teixeira 6hr = $6.00
Nick Swisher 8hr = $8.00
Robinson Cano 5hr = $5.00
Johnny Damon 8hr = $8.00
Melky Cabrera 4hr = $4.00
Jose Molina 1hr = $1.00
Alex Rodriguez 1hr = $1.00
Total = $44.00

If you are interested in Johnny Damon's Homerun Club or the Children's Health Fund you can find links to both at the top right hand corner of our page.

A-Rod Goes to Far Lengths to Remain in Headlines

First he had four friends leak the fact that he had tested positive for steroids in 2003 to Selena Roberts. Then he hurt his hip after a photo-op at the WBC DR practice. Then he made out with his reflection after having his surgery, then calling his former pimp/girlfriend to leak the fact that they dated while he was married to the Daily News. Now A-Rod has gone too far, flying to Spain in order to knock Lance Armstrong off his bike, possibly injuring his collar bone and affecting his ability to come back to the Tour de France. We asked A-Rod why he knocked lance over, he responded simply, "It's been more than 24 hours." When asked what he meant, A-Rod explained. "I haven't made a headline in over 24 hours. People will forget about me if I stay in Colorado. Before you know it, Melky's playing third and Jeter will change his haircut so mine no longer looks like his." A-Rod's clearly lost it, but attacking a national icon is not the way to go, unless that icon is someone like Bernie Madoff, or anyone working on Wall Street for that matter (excluding cleaning people and support staff). When will A-Rod's thirst for making headlines be quenched? We asked him. "Never. I'm like Tantalus. Every time I reach down for a sip of self-confidence from the font of gossip pages it all drains away, leaving me forever thirsty." A bit surprised by this answer, we asked what he thinks he'll do next. "Probably get photographed with a hooker in Colorado, then have my cousin leak the fact that I created credit default swaps. I'm quite the derivatives trader. E-Trade baby!"

Annual Spring Training Preview

Since we began this blog twenty years ago, we have taken the 25 days leading up to Spring Training to preview the Yankees expected 25 man roster. Normally my brother handles this task, as I'm usually too busy coming up with fake assignments to give Selena Roberts, but this year he decided to buy a house instead. As there are now only 20 days until Spring Training, and it just occurred to me that we hadn't begun our roster preview, some shortcuts will be necessary. Thus, today we will preview the entire starting rotation, which kills 5 birds with 1 post.

Starting Rotation:

Currently, our known starters are CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, Andy Pettitte and Javy Vazquez. For the purpose of this post, I am going to assume that Phil Hughes will be the number 5 starter. This is not a commentary on Joba, it's just a guess that the Yankees will prefer to keep Joba in the 'pen.

The Yankees probably have the strongest 1 through 4 in Baseball. The BoSox certainly threaten for that title, but all their starters have as yet undiagnosed shoulder issues, which is going to be a big problem for them.

The Yankees, led by these five, can expect to win a little over 100 games.

Sabathia is your ace, taking the ball every fifth day and often giving the bullpen the night off. He's the point, the one expected to set the tone and lead the team. Burnett is the wild card. Will he throw towards home? Towards the backstop? You never know, and that's what makes him deadly. Pettitte is the grizzled veteran. He's seen it all, doesn't get flustered, and spends most of his time divying out words of wisdom to his younger compadres. Hughes is the rook. Very green, but he's got skills. The question is, will he be able to harness the raw talent or will his unrestrained cockiness put the whole mission in danger?

My Fearless Prediction:

The Yankees starting five will rescue the hostages, and not leave a single man behind.

Little Known Starting Rotation Fact:

One time, the Yankees starting rotation was stranded in a South American jungle. The Predator showed up, but he just asked for an autograph. Then, the rotation beat up Arnold Schwarzneggar, Carl Weathers, and Jesse the Body. It was awesome!

I'm Back With the Updates, One Day Later

Yesterday I said that I would be back later with some updates about the game the Yankees were playing, and as some may have noticed, I never returned. I have a good excuse though. I was in the RJG headquarters typing up some insightful observations about the spring training game against the Astro's, when I received a phone call from co-RJG owner, and blood related brother, Roberto. He tells me that he's in Korea, and has something I need to see. I hung up, packed a suit case, asked Selena Roberts to watch the phones while I was gone, and took off on the RJG company budget for Seoul, South Korea. About 19 hours and two lay overs later, I arrived in the capitol city. After catching a cab, I pulled up to the house where my brother is staying. He brings me to an open space and tells me "Watch this." He picks up a remote and hits a button, and this small robot that looks like R2D2 starts vacuuming the room. "Isn't this so cool?" my brother asked. I looked at him, and said "You made me drop everything that I was doing, buy a plane ticket, fly 19 hours across the globe, and you know, you did not dissapoint! This thing is awesome!" We then cracked open a couple Guiness and watched R2D2 vacuum the room for a couple hours. So as you can see, there's a valid and sound reason for why I could not get you a game review for yesterday. Now some people may be a little upset about this little trip, since RJG accepted huge government bailouts, and has already paid out bonuses to its three principal owners who sunk RJG into economic despair, but that's what's so great about America.

Here's the short version of the game review: Wang impressive, relievers looking good, and offense looks balanced. Cabrera's not winning that outfield job. We're just a few weeks away from the season starting, and I think the reason this spring training seems to be going slower than others is how much anticipation there is behind this season. A new stadium, three big free agents, a team that missed the play offs for the first time since 1994, and with all this big expectations.

In other news, the WBC has now injured both Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youkillis. Don't say the classic has never done anything for you. Unless of course you're Fred Trigger.

Phil Hughes Needs His Training Wheels Back

The Good

Teixeira hit two home runs today. And while that runs up RJG's deficit, we can officially declare his slump over. I was at tonight's game, and his home runs were definitely the highlight. That and when Sox fans would get thrown out like they were Joe Girardi.

The Bad

Where do we start? No one seems to be able to catch up to Papelbon's fastball, Hughes threw more pitches in four innings than he did all last year, Posada hurt his hamstring (again), and Derek Jeter looked sloppy in the field. Whatever, he's still hot.

The Ugly

The strike zone was not even close to consistent. Essentially, if a Yankee threw a pitch, it was a ball; and if a Red Sock threw a pitch, it was a strike. Girardi should've gotten thrown out for punching the umpire, not for arguing balls and strikes. There has to be some review board the team can complain to about umps like that. Absolutely ridiculous.

Respect Jeter's Gangster in Danger of Closing Its Doors

As you all know, our relationship with Johnny Damon's Home Run Club has nearly bankrupted us. While we have renegotiated our labor agreements with the unions, we are still waiting for Congress to authorize the Obama administration to use TARP funds to help us avoid bankruptcy. If RJG were to file for Chapter 11 it is unlikely that the recent economic turnaround would continue; too many jobs and mortgaged back securities are at stake. Johnny Damon hit a home run tonight, and Marky T hit two. I think hitting home runs for your own charity is collusion; Selena Roberts is investigating.

Jorge Posada 4hr = $4.00
Hideki Matsui 2hr = $2.00
Derek Jeter 4hr = $4.00
Mark Teixeira 5hr = $5.00
Nick Swisher 7hr = $7.00
Robinson Cano 5hr = $5.00
Johnny Damon 5hr = $5.00
Melky Cabrera 4hr = $4.00
Jose Molina 1hr = $1.00
Total = $37.00

If you are interested in Johnny Damon's Homerun Club or the Children's Health Fund you can find links to both at the top right hand corner of our page.

Delgado A Hall of Famer?

Tom Verducci, who was one-upped in his attempt to single-handedly destroy the Yankees by Selena Roberts, has written an interesting article for CNNSI.com on Mets first baseman Carlos Delgado. The gist of the article is that Delgado, who has never been linked to steroids by Jose Canseco or anyone else, not even anonymous rumors, has pretty impressive numbers that were overshadowed by inflated, juiced numbers. Delgado, therefore, should be in the discussion for future Hall of Fame contenders, but his name never comes up.

The numbers Verducci discusses are pretty impressive, and the other players in whose company Delgado stands are either Hall of Famers or guys who would've been had they not used steroids (and been discovered). This is an interesting debate. Should Carlos Delgado be elected to the Hall of Fame when his day comes?

Francisco Cervelli Not Named Rookie of The Year; Disappointed

The American League Rookie of the Year Award has been announced, and the winner was some guy not named Francisco Cervelli.

"I don't know what more I could do," explained Cervelli. "I caught some games in May for the World Champions. I sat on a bench for 3 months of play-off baseball. What more could you ask for?"

Cervelli makes a strong case. When the winner was announced as Oakland's Andrew Bailey, most fans reacted with a "Who?" or an "Oak...land?" Andrew Bailey could not be reached for comment, largely because nobody had his number.

"I called everyone I know in Oakland, nobody had his number," explained Chief Fact Checker for RJG, Selena Roberts. "His number is unlisted. Probably A-Rod erased it from everyone's phone and inserted his information instead so people would forget about the Rookie of the Year and call him instead."

For now, Cervelli will have to live with the disappointment of being passed over for Rookie of the Year.

Bronny Gets a Call

With the WBC and Spring Training in full swing, it was time to give our good friend, mentor, court appointed guardian, and all around great guy Brian Cashman a call via satellite video phone. The following is a transcript of our conversation.

BC: Hello?

RJG: Knock, knock.

BC: Who's there?

RJG: Yousir.

BC: Yousir? Yousir who? I demand you reveal yourself!

RJG: You sir, are a grade A douche! Zing! I totally got you Bronny!

BC: Why do I even answer this phone?

RJG: Because you have a strange need to know what's on the other end. You can't just be satisfied with being, with where you are, you have to always be looking to the next thing.

BC: That's kind of deep.

RJG: I'm kind of drunk, it happens. So what's up with the DR burning out two of your players. Two shoulder injuries? Really? Did Felipe Alou really have to do that? How does a second baseman even injure his shoulder? Was he throwing side sessions between games?

BC: We're all less than pleased about the injuries to Cano and Marte but hopefully they're not serious. The WBC has been an exciting tournament and is helping create excitement for the game internationally and that's important for baseball.

RJG: Do you even know when you're lying anymore?

BC: Not really.

RJG: So you're sticking with Ransom, huh? I guess if A-Rod's only going to be out for six to nine weeks you might as well not trade any prospects for a replacement. But if Ransom performs, is there a place on this team for him once he comes back or will you try to move him?

BC: Right now we're just focused on getting Alex healthy and making sure we are prepared for the season.

RJG: Bronny. Please. I don't take valuable time out of my day to call you just to hear rehearsed answers. Save that for the Associated Press. RJG's readers deserve and expect more than that.

BC: Valuable time? That's interesting, here I thought you just sat around all day with nothing to do except make me answer stupid questions via satellite video phone.

RJG: I'll have you know that we here at RJG lead very busy and interesting lives!

BC: Really?

RJG: Busy and Interesting!

BC: Describe your average day.

RJG: I wake up early, noonish I'd say. Then I spend a good two, maybe three hours sitting completely still.

BC: Meditating?

RJG: No, just trying to wait out the hangover. Then I read the Times, the Post, and the Daily News, write a post here and there, spend a few hours trying to get Selena Roberts out of RJG headquarters, then I call you to say good night. But I don't go to bed, I go out and have some fun so I can do it all over again the next day.

BC: Your life is neither busy nor interesting, sir!

RJG: Your mom is neither busy nor interesting, sir!

BC: That's uncalled for.

RJG: I apologize, just let me ask you one question.

BC: What's that?

RJG: Is that "Material Girl" I hear in the background?

[Click]


There you have it folks, Bronny Cash is not sure what to do with Cody Ransom when A-Rod returns to action.