Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The Rivalry Lives On

In just a few days the Yankees will be facing off against their age old rival, the Boston Red Sox. Although we at the Respect Jeter's Gangster blog are typically about peace, the Red Sox have certainly garnered enough bad karma to make us rethink our philosophical point of view. What bad karma? You ask. Well, we've done our research and have uncovered some major dirt on some prominent Red Sox players. While many Yankee fans have gone soft on the rivalry, these reports will most certainly get you prepared for the upcoming series. I was shocked to find some of these things myself. So now we will release our findings to you in our feature series "The Rivalry Lives On".

In our first feature of the "The Rivalry Lives On" series, we cover the Red Sox captain and catcher Jason Varitek. Many know Varitek as the leader and switch hitting catcher of the Red Sox. He's been with the Red Sox his entire Major League career and has even taken less money to stay with his team. All these things are honorable, but what you may not know about Varitek, could surprise you.

Our investigative team landed on the shores of Prudhoe Bay in the arctic circle following a lead coming from a Green Peace activist. We journeyed through the ice caps before coming upon the Green Peace Camp where we met Greg. Greg was the point of contact for our journey.

"Its been happening since 1997, the first year he came up for the Red Sox." Explained Greg. "Since then its been getting steadily worse."

Was Greg talking about global warming? We wondered. Perhaps the melting of ice caps? How could this be attributed to Jason Varitek? How ridiculous of a claim is this? We feared that we had wasted our time and money traveling to the North Pole. I questioned the wisdom in following an anonymous tip all the way to the North Pole, but then we saw it.

"This is the field." Began Greg. "This is where he started, and if you follow the trail you see where it ends." He explained pointing towards a cave carved out of the ice.

What we witnessed was quite possibly the most horrifying scene you could imagine amidst the peaceful setting of the arctic circle. Hundreds of baby seals strewn across the frigid terrain, all of them having been clubbed to death.

"Every year we see him." Explained Greg. "We play our guitars at him, but he seems immune to it. We held up signs that told him to stop, and he wouldn't. One of them even said 'Clubbing Baby Seals is Wrong', but he didn't seem to care. He says it helps his switch hitting to get stronger, and its apart of his off season training regimen. It just doesn't seem necessary."

If this was not enough to shock you, what Greg explained next certainly would. When asked if Varitek used a baseball bat, or some other baseball instrument for this massacre, Greg said neither.

"He uses endangered panda cubs to club the baby seals. He brings his own baby panda's since they're not native to this terrain. He clubs baby seals with baby panda's. Then to cool down, he heads to the shore and dumps oil on the penguins."

I asked why Varitek would spend so much money to acquire baby panda's and a trip out to the arctic every off season, but Greg said that he didn't spend a dime.

"The Red Sox nation fan fees pay for his trip. Its a line item in the Red Sox budget." He explained as he pulled out a copy of the Red Sox 2007 expense report and pointed towards a line item whose description read 'Baby panda's for Varitek's baby seal clubbing off season training expedition.'

"They don't even try to hide it." Greg stated.

Although we are not Green Peace activists, we did agree that the training seemed a little excessive. We thanked Greg for showing us around and promised we would report our findings to the baseball world. Now you've heard it here first. Jason Varitek clubs baby seals with baby pandas, and pours oil on penguins. The rivalry lives on Thursday, 7:05pm, Yankees vs. Red Sox, Lester vs. Pettitte.

4 comments:

Fred Trigger said...

It would be nice if all this seal clubbing with panda cubs could help him do better than a .677 OPS, with a .222 batting average. i dont care how good he calls a game, if thats what hes providing offensively, thats just unacceptable. He obviously needs to be clubbing more seals, or hes just not doing it right.

Roberto Alejandro said...

After reviewing the strike marks on the seals and watching several episodes of Bones it has become clear that his mechanics are off. That may explain the batting average.

raven said...

Jason Varitek's hairstyle is a disgrace to all living and dead creatures in the universe.

raven said...

Shall we go on to the evolution of Alex Rodriguez?
A-Rod
A-Ha
A-Balk
A-Donna