Monday, December 22, 2008

Yankees to Buy Chemistry

CC Sabathia has been the big free agent splash of this off season for the Yankees, and though he brings a fierce arm many are also impressed with his cheery disposition. A disposition, which should help the clubhouse chemistry that many insiders have claimed is lacking. But the Yankees will not stop there. A recent report links the Yankees to the purchase of a large portion of chemistry. The Yankees believe this will help the team fuse together as a cohesive unit, and play like a team.

"We are proud to announce that our $180 million purchase of chemistry has been completed, and we look poised to have a strongly bound group that will lead us to a world championship against all odds, which will later become a Disney movie starring Danny Glover as Joe Girardi." Read the Yankees press release.

Some of the features of chemistry are teammates going out to dinner together, players loaning each other their private jets, players pulling pranks on one another, sharing magazines, teaching each other how to read, working out together, teaching the foreign players how to speak English, watching Rambo and playing good baseball. Side effects of chemistry include sharing feelings, hair braiding, and journal writing.

"Truly I believe this to be a great purchase." Explained Yankees GM Brian Cashman. "In the past, chemistry came with the guys you signed, but now-a-days you have to buy that separate. The more money you give your players, the less chemistry they have. Money is a natural solvent of chemistry. Its like the kryptonite of chemistry. In the past we would sign players with a lot of chemistry but little discernible baseball talent to off set the lack of chemistry. Thus Miguel Cairo. Now, there's so much money invested in our players, that its sapped all chemistry from the team. Even guys like Johnny Damon and Robinson Cano are having trouble creating chemistry, and with Giambi gone, I knew we would have to take this measure. Last season, guys like Damon and Cano would invite people out to dinner and they would respond 'No thanks. I have a private chef cooking for me in my private suite. I think later I'll take a private nap on my private yacht, while I fish in private and enjoy an afternoon off in private.' You can't build a team off that. I've heard stories where a player was invited out to dinner but they were too busy bathing in their signing bonus to go. Its no good."

The Yankees hope this purchase will bear results in its first season. "Anything short of a world championship will be considered a waste of money." Stated Hank Steinbrenner.

For now, fans can rest assured that the Yankees have addressed their chemistry issues and are invested in the future of chemistry.


Raven King said...

Ice Cube as Joe G
Jim Carrey as Manny
Guillermo from the Jimmy Kimmel Show as A-Rod
George Clooney as Jeter
David Schwimmer as his twin brother Jorge
Samuel Jackson as Mo

Raven King said...

Jeter: Yankees don't need Manny Ramirez?????????
"We have a pretty good lineup," Jeter said. "I think we've scored plenty of runs."
Oh yeah? How many times have the fans seen the Yankees strand runners on base again and again and again and thus lost a hell lot of must-win games this season, my dearest Captain?

TribeGirl said...

First of all, how do you make the links? I've tried and I can't do it!

Second, I read the article about Jeter, and I agree with the comment afterward. When ARod showe up, he took some popularity from Jeter, and Manny would take some too because they both are superstars and tops in their game, and as much as I love Jeter, he's a singles hitter and on the decline. So.....for him to make the comments he did, is he really looking out for the team?????

Raven King said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Raven King said...

< a href="">some word to click on< /a>
Insert the website address between "".
Please noted that there should be no space between < and a.
I learned this trick from a post by our dear friend Roberto several months ago.
So, domo arigato, Mr. Roberto!

Maybe Derek was drunk when they asked his opinion...

December 22, 2008 8:19 PM

Fernando Alejandro said...

That quote was taken out of context in the article. It was made when he was talking about the Sabathia and Burnett signings, basically saying that over the last few years the problem with the team hasn't been scoring runs, its been preventing them. When he was asked about how he thought Manny would fit in, he pretty much said that Manny would do fine in the clubhouse. Once again, the liberal New Jersey media is trying to take Jeter's words out of context to try and slander his gangster. As always, they failed.