CC Sabathia has been the big free agent splash of this off season for the Yankees, and though he brings a fierce arm many are also impressed with his cheery disposition. A disposition, which should help the clubhouse chemistry that many insiders have claimed is lacking. But the Yankees will not stop there. A recent report links the Yankees to the purchase of a large portion of chemistry. The Yankees believe this will help the team fuse together as a cohesive unit, and play like a team.
"We are proud to announce that our $180 million purchase of chemistry has been completed, and we look poised to have a strongly bound group that will lead us to a world championship against all odds, which will later become a Disney movie starring Danny Glover as Joe Girardi." Read the Yankees press release.
Some of the features of chemistry are teammates going out to dinner together, players loaning each other their private jets, players pulling pranks on one another, sharing magazines, teaching each other how to read, working out together, teaching the foreign players how to speak English, watching Rambo and playing good baseball. Side effects of chemistry include sharing feelings, hair braiding, and journal writing.
"Truly I believe this to be a great purchase." Explained Yankees GM Brian Cashman. "In the past, chemistry came with the guys you signed, but now-a-days you have to buy that separate. The more money you give your players, the less chemistry they have. Money is a natural solvent of chemistry. Its like the kryptonite of chemistry. In the past we would sign players with a lot of chemistry but little discernible baseball talent to off set the lack of chemistry. Thus Miguel Cairo. Now, there's so much money invested in our players, that its sapped all chemistry from the team. Even guys like Johnny Damon and Robinson Cano are having trouble creating chemistry, and with Giambi gone, I knew we would have to take this measure. Last season, guys like Damon and Cano would invite people out to dinner and they would respond 'No thanks. I have a private chef cooking for me in my private suite. I think later I'll take a private nap on my private yacht, while I fish in private and enjoy an afternoon off in private.' You can't build a team off that. I've heard stories where a player was invited out to dinner but they were too busy bathing in their signing bonus to go. Its no good."
The Yankees hope this purchase will bear results in its first season. "Anything short of a world championship will be considered a waste of money." Stated Hank Steinbrenner.
For now, fans can rest assured that the Yankees have addressed their chemistry issues and are invested in the future of chemistry.