By now you've all heard about the controversy surrounding Joe Torre's new book, "Why the Yankees Suck and Alex Rodriguez Too." The reaction in the New York press has been swift and hypocritical. Apparently columnists, most of whom I doubt have even read the book since they all mention the same two widely reported passages, are the only ones allowed to piss all over A-Rod despite his MVP seasons and discuss his troubles in the clutch. Consider the following two NYPost columns: Column 1; Column 2.
Please spare me the feigned indignity NY Press. Most of you would report that your own children were using PEDs and dating Madonna if it served your careers, so I don't want to hear about how Torre has no class. Remember when you guys sat outside his house during his off-season negotiations in 2007, you know, the ones that led to the end of the Joe Torre era? Yeah, please lecture Joe Torre about class.
We here at RJG are disappointed in Mr. Torre, however. Not because he had the sheer balls to write what are probably honest things, that we've all thought or said ourselves over the last few years, about a team that acted like Joe Torre was the worst manager in baseball because he hadn't won three World Series in a row in a few years. (How could he do this to us? I'm surprised he doesn't walk around punching Steinbrenner's horses in the face after the way we disparaged his legacy. We didn't even invite him to the last game at Yankee Stadium. No invite. And he's the one disrespecting his legacy here? #@$*% you New York media).
What upsets us is that Joe Torre has released a book with Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci, only a few months before he was set to release a book co-written by RJG. This move by Torre will certainly affect our bottom line, but we love Joe because he respects Jeter's gangster, and that's all that matters. Just so you don't think we're making this up, here's a preview of the new book:
"My name is Joe Torre. I was the Yankee manager until they $#!% all over me. I don't hold any grudges though. One time I came into my office, and Steinbrenner's horse, The Current Yankee Manager is No Good, was sitting in my chair. I don't play that $#!% so I punched it in the face. Kei Igawa saw me and couldn't stop laughing, then he said something in Japanese. A few weeks later the feds started calling."
"My name is Joe Torre. I did spots for Bigelow green tea while in New York. One time, in 2007, I walked into the clubhouse and A-Rod was standing next to a life-size cardboard cut-out of Derek Jeter. That's not unusual in our clubhouse, a lot of guys have cut-outs of Jeter. Look, I have one right here. But A-Rod was wearing a wedding dress and holding a bouquet, and he had dressed the cut-out in a tuxedo. I knew then I wasn't returning as Yankees manager, so I started making unreasonable contract demands. I called Cash and was like, 'Yo, I want a private jet pilated by a camel if I'm going to manage again. And Steinbrenner's horses have to spar with me before every game.' Cashman never relayed my contract wishes to the Steinbrenner's. To this day, it hurts."
"My name is Joe Torre. I like Manny Ramirez, don't I A-Rod? One time, someone pointed out that 'rod' and 'fraud' rhyme, even though they don't end in the same three letters, violating the single most important rule in English rhyming. I assumed they were talking about A-Rod, but looking back on it, I'm not sure that mother#%$^@&* knew how to read. I think he was just having fun with learning."
There you have it folks, more tidbits from Joe Torre will be forthcoming in our new book, "Why Misperceptions Derailed My Last Book Tour," by Joe Torre and RJG. We thought it was a weird title at first, but Joe insisted, I guess he knew something we didn't, like how he was going to screw us by releasing this other book first. Damn you Torre! Damn you!
A call to Brian Cashman will be forthcoming.