Monday, January 26, 2009

Joe Torre Shocker

By now you've all heard about the controversy surrounding Joe Torre's new book, "Why the Yankees Suck and Alex Rodriguez Too." The reaction in the New York press has been swift and hypocritical. Apparently columnists, most of whom I doubt have even read the book since they all mention the same two widely reported passages, are the only ones allowed to piss all over A-Rod despite his MVP seasons and discuss his troubles in the clutch. Consider the following two NYPost columns: Column 1; Column 2.

Please spare me the feigned indignity NY Press. Most of you would report that your own children were using PEDs and dating Madonna if it served your careers, so I don't want to hear about how Torre has no class. Remember when you guys sat outside his house during his off-season negotiations in 2007, you know, the ones that led to the end of the Joe Torre era? Yeah, please lecture Joe Torre about class.

We here at RJG are disappointed in Mr. Torre, however. Not because he had the sheer balls to write what are probably honest things, that we've all thought or said ourselves over the last few years, about a team that acted like Joe Torre was the worst manager in baseball because he hadn't won three World Series in a row in a few years. (How could he do this to us? I'm surprised he doesn't walk around punching Steinbrenner's horses in the face after the way we disparaged his legacy. We didn't even invite him to the last game at Yankee Stadium. No invite. And he's the one disrespecting his legacy here? #@$*% you New York media).

What upsets us is that Joe Torre has released a book with Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci, only a few months before he was set to release a book co-written by RJG. This move by Torre will certainly affect our bottom line, but we love Joe because he respects Jeter's gangster, and that's all that matters. Just so you don't think we're making this up, here's a preview of the new book:

"My name is Joe Torre. I was the Yankee manager until they $#!% all over me. I don't hold any grudges though. One time I came into my office, and Steinbrenner's horse, The Current Yankee Manager is No Good, was sitting in my chair. I don't play that $#!% so I punched it in the face. Kei Igawa saw me and couldn't stop laughing, then he said something in Japanese. A few weeks later the feds started calling."

"My name is Joe Torre. I did spots for Bigelow green tea while in New York. One time, in 2007, I walked into the clubhouse and A-Rod was standing next to a life-size cardboard cut-out of Derek Jeter. That's not unusual in our clubhouse, a lot of guys have cut-outs of Jeter. Look, I have one right here. But A-Rod was wearing a wedding dress and holding a bouquet, and he had dressed the cut-out in a tuxedo. I knew then I wasn't returning as Yankees manager, so I started making unreasonable contract demands. I called Cash and was like, 'Yo, I want a private jet pilated by a camel if I'm going to manage again. And Steinbrenner's horses have to spar with me before every game.' Cashman never relayed my contract wishes to the Steinbrenner's. To this day, it hurts."

"My name is Joe Torre. I like Manny Ramirez, don't I A-Rod? One time, someone pointed out that 'rod' and 'fraud' rhyme, even though they don't end in the same three letters, violating the single most important rule in English rhyming. I assumed they were talking about A-Rod, but looking back on it, I'm not sure that mother#%$^@&* knew how to read. I think he was just having fun with learning."

There you have it folks, more tidbits from Joe Torre will be forthcoming in our new book, "Why Misperceptions Derailed My Last Book Tour," by Joe Torre and RJG. We thought it was a weird title at first, but Joe insisted, I guess he knew something we didn't, like how he was going to screw us by releasing this other book first. Damn you Torre! Damn you!

A call to Brian Cashman will be forthcoming.

9 comments:

anonymous number two said...

Andy back with Yankees.

Roberto Alejandro said...

I heard they are near a contract. Rotation looks very solid if that is true.

Ruthie said...

steinbrenners horse..=) funny!.. I loves me some joe torre. and cashman knowns he dealt joe a shitty hand. What sucks even more is that they took every oppurtunity to snub him. Damn right he should call the orginization out on some crap. I am sure theres alot more he held off on cause he's got something called class. Hes a true yankee,...the guys in the front office wouldnt know what that meant ifbabe ruth came back from the dead and told them. Bottom line, dont start the fan if you dont want shit to hit it.

as for a-rod... jeters to gangster to tap that.. no wonder he's been on such a downward spiral.. how do you go from a true G like DJ to an hag like madonna?
even though he's a lil mixed up when it comes to the WBC I guess we know what team he REALLY bats for.

Fernando Alejandro said...

I heard about Andy. The report says its guaranteed $6 million with incentives that could bring it up to $12 million. If that's true, then Pettitte really screwed up.

Ruthie, I have a feeling that his book won't tell us anything all too shocking. I mean that A-Rod has an infutation with Jeter, is that really news? I mean who doesn't have an infatuation with Jeter? I'm going to read the book before I pass judgement on it, but I bet we're going to find that its not that as scathing as the media is making it sound.

Ruthie said...

i def get that feeling to. Its seems so out of character of torre to spend more then a few pages on cash and fraud.just pokeing fun at what the media has had a feild day with. a-rod story seems way to complex to be explain by a change of sexual orientation. with all that "alledged" kaballah nonsence last year and what have you, i think the moneys been eating away at him. with the pressure, and the expectation, and his not so loveabel cockyness, i def think an obbsession with someone so gangster-esq as jeter wasjust a sideeffect..expect me at barnes and nobel next month!

Roberto Alejandro said...

let's please watch any comments referring to sexual orientation. I was just referring to the 'single white female' obsession that Torre reportedly refers to, but I don't want anyone feeling uncomfortable reading this blog or its comments. thanks.

anonymous number two said...

I always thought Torre was more mafia godfather than kindly grandfather. As for Alex's obsession with Derek, I guess he is just like the rest of us.

Quinn said...

i want to hear what bronny says

Roberto Alejandro said...

It's coming Quinn. His take should be quite interesting.