The Giants Win!

Yes they did. And, oh yeah, San Francisco won too. Ha! See what I did there? 'Cause the New York Football Giants also won yesterday. It's okay, I'll give you a minute to compose yourself.

Now that you're done basking in the glow of my genius (no, your screen's brightness settings have not changed), we can all focus on what is really important: in six days, the Yankees will be able to make stunning, we're serious about this, don't even bother trying to outbid us style offers to every big-name free agent on the market. Yes, what has come to be known as the Miami Marlins Protocol.

You might think to yourself, 'Wait. Didn't that plan fail miserably?' Yes. It did. But the Yankees do not play in Miami, and they have money, and it wasn't called the 'Miami Marlins Protocol' back then, a much cooler name that has replaced the plan's previous title, 'desperate to make Miami care about something other than the fact Castro is still in power'.

Now, once the protocol goes into effect, the Yankees line-up will look something like this:

1. Derek Jeter, SS
2. Curtis Granderson, CF
3. Josh Hamilton, RF
4. Robinson Cano, 2B
5. Mark Teixeira, 1B
6. Alex Rodriguez, DH
7. David Wright, 3B
8. BJ Upton, LF
9. Mike Napoli, C

Our pitching staff will look like this:

1. CC Sabathia
2. Hiroki Kuroda
3. Andrew Pettitte
4. Phil Hughes
5. Ichiro Suzuki
6. Ivan Nova
7. Rafael Soriano
8. David Phelps
9. David Robertson
10. Joba Chamberlain
11. Boone Logan
12. Mariano Rivera

One name on that list of pitchers may surprise you, but Ichiro is not going to accept a bench spot, and with the outfield taken up by Granderson, Hamilton, and Upton, there will be nowhere on the field to put Ichiro. However, offering him a spot in the starting rotation would likely placate his ego, further fueling his desire to remain a life-long Yankee.

Our bench will be as follows:

1. Nick Swisher
2. Raul Ibanez
3. Eduardo Nunez
4. Miguel Cabrera (for whom we will trade)

With this team in place, the Yankees will go on to secure the best record in baseball by mid-June, only to blow it by late August, stumble across the finish line as division winners, and then, exhausted by having to keep some group of Johnny-come-latelies at bay, will falter in the early rounds of the playoffs.

You gotta admit though, that's an impressive line-up!