After the latest bruhaha over Ryan Dempster's intentional pegging of Alex Rodriguez, we decided it was time to fire up the old satellite video phone. Only this time we didn't call long time friend of the blog Brian Cashman. Instead, we called Ryan Dempster to find out why he intentionally threw at A-Rod. The following is a transcript of our conversation:
RJG: Hi Ryan, I'm calling from RJG with a brief survey. Do you have a few minutes to answer some questions?
RD: Yes, I have a few minutes.
RJG: Great. First question: why are you such a piece of $#!% ?
RD: Well, my parents really loved me and raised me to be a conscientious, compassionate, and well-adjusted human being. But I can throw a major league fastball so #@$& all that noise. Nah mean?
RJG: Yes, thank you. Did you throw at Alex Rodriguez because you're a racist?
RD: Yes, I am a racist. Want to hear a funny story? I once punched a baby in the face. The baby was a racist too, but not racist enough. Also, Ryan Braun is an anti-Semite.
RJG: Ryan Braun is Jewish so that seems unlikely. Do you always slander your fellow union members?
RD: I'm in a union?! What?!
RJG: Yes, you are in one of the most powerful unions in America. How did you not know that?
RD: Well, I always saw that area on my paychecks where it says 'union dues' but I thought it was a joke, like that joke website 'democrats.org' where you can make joke donations to Barack Obama.
RJG: That's not a joke website. That's how you make donations to the Democratic party.
RD: What?! I've donated thousands on that website! It's real?!
RJG: Why did you grow a beard?
RD: I didn't grow a beard. That's my hair follicle's trying to get away from my face. That's what my doctor told me anyways.
RJG: Was he laughing when he said it?
RD: Yeah, he's always laughing at me. What a guy!
RJG: Do you know how to read?
RD: I've always felt that reading is fundamental . . . for nerds. I'm not a nerd because I play baseball. The only thing I need to read is the number on the back of my uniform.
RJG: So you don't know how to read but can recognize number symbols?
RD: No, I have one of the clubbie's point me to my locker everyday. I always forget.
RJG: Do you have a short-term memory condition?
RD: No, I'm just not very smart, likeable, or attractive. Also, I'm mediocre at my job.
RJG: No arguments here. Okay Ryan, those are all the questions I have for you today. Thank you for taking our survey.
RD: Anything I can do to not help.