Friday, October 4, 2013

An Objective View on Cano, House of Representatives Edition

Cano is the best hitting and best defensive second baseman in the Major Leagues. Fact. The Yankees should not only meet his contract demands, no matter how untethered to reality, but they should exceed them just in case the Dodgers or anyone else should try to lure him away.

Here is why such a contract makes sense for the Yankees. First, I think Cano is the best player on the team, so give him the money.

Second, if you don't give him the money, thus validating my position regardless of its merit, I'll shut down Yankee Stadium. I will get all my like-minded friends together and make sure that Yankee Stadium never opens again until we resign Cano for exactly the amount of money he is demanding, no matter what plurality of fans disagrees with me and my ilk.

Also, I have other demands. Cano should be more explicitly Christian. Baseball, like constitutional democracy, is a Christian game and with Mo and Pettitte gone we need more explicit levels of devotion. If that doesn't happen, I will shut down Yankee Stadium.

Does it make sense to threaten shutdowns against both Cano and the Yankees? Yes. Let me tell you why: because I win, that's why.


Rich Mahogany said...

Did you write this or plagiarize it from Ted Cruz's notes? The only thing missing is that the piece should have gone on for 3,000 pages.

Fernando Alejandro said...

3,000 minimally!