Yankees Drop Two of Three

The Good

Vidal Nuno reversed his recent trend of getting shelled, and put up 5.2 scoreless innings against the Red Sox.  It was enough to inspire the anemic offense to score 6 runs that night.  Tanaka pitched a complete game giving up just 2 runs, otherwise known as a great start.  Dellin Betances had another great relief effort, pitching 2 perfect innings.  His season ERA is down to 1.33.  The offense could very well be waking up from their long spring slumber.

The Bad

Though the offense seemed to wake up this weekend, they were noticeably absent from another Tanaka start.  Tanaka took a loss because the Yankees could not score 2 runs.  Just saying, that's pretty weak.

The Ugly

Yesterday's game was another wasted opportunity, this time by the pitching staff.  The offense performed, and put 5 runs on the board, but that was what Whitley gave up in 4 innings.  Shawn Kelley and David Huff gave up an extra 3 runs in the 5th. 

Could This Be A Sign Of Things To Come?

Johnson, Gardner, McCann, Beltran and Teixeira all hit homeruns this weekend adding $10 to the Children's Health Fund.  Could this be a sign of an offense awakening from a prolonged slumber to take the world by storm?  We'll find out.

Brett Gardner 7hr = $14
Alfonso Soriano 6hr = $12
Kelly Johnson 5hr = $10
Carlos Beltran 8hr = $16
Dean Anna 1hr = $2
Brian McCann 9hr = $18
Yangervis Solarte 6hr = $12
Mark Teixeira 15hr = $30
John Ryan Murphy 1hr = $2
Jacoby Ellsubry 4hr = $8
Brian Roberts 3hr = $6
Derek Jeter 2hr = $4
Zoilo Almonte 1hr = $2

Total 68hr = $136

Wowser

The Good

Those gritty, scrappy Yankees clawed their way back from a 6-0 deficit to lose 7-6.  It's unclear whether Disney will make a movie about this come back story, but early reports aren't looking positive.

Also good, Betances continues to quietly dominate the middle innings.  He did so yesterday with 2 scoreless innings, bringing his season ERA down to 1.43. 

The Bad

How about losing 7-6 after clawing your way back from a 6-0 deficit?  No?  Not enough!?  Well did I mention that those 6 runs all came against our starting pitcher? 

The Ugly

Many people are blaming Jeter for some defensive mishaps that led to yesterday's loss.  Our response is that Jeter hit a homerun yesterday.  What else do you need?

Middle Infield Keeping Babies Healthy

Jeter and Roberts each had a homerun yesterday, marking the first time in either of those players lives that they've hit a homerun in the same game while playing for the same team.  Unimportant you say?  Well how about the $4 that just went to heal babies?  Is that unimportant too!?  Is it?!!?!

Brett Gardner 6hr = $12
Alfonso Soriano 6hr = $12
Kelly Johnson 4hr = $8
Carlos Beltran 7hr = $14
Dean Anna 1hr = $2
Brian McCann 8hr = $16
Yangervis Solarte 6hr = $12
Mark Teixeira 13hr = $26
John Ryan Murphy 1hr = $2
Jacoby Ellsubry 4hr = $8
Brian Roberts 3hr = $6
Derek Jeter 2hr = $4
Zoilo Almonte 1hr = $2

Total 60hr = $120

Well That Was Disappointing

The Good

Teixeira's wrist appears to be okay.

The Bad

Rough game for the Yankees last night, as they lost 8-3 to a team they played so well against last week.  The offense has fallen flat over the past 3 games, but I appreciate Teixeira's now-customary solo homerun during blowouts. 

The Ugly

Although the offense isn't really doing much, the pitching over the past three games has been abysmal.  Whitley had been pitching well, but yesterday he went 3.1 innings and gave up 8 runs.  That is a tough deficit to come back from.

Just Don't Harm the Babies!

Despite the mini-losing streak following our mini-win streak, Teixeira's solo homerun ensured that the babies would not be harmed by the Yankees offense. 

Brett Gardner 6hr = $12
Alfonso Soriano 6hr = $12
Kelly Johnson 4hr = $8
Carlos Beltran 7hr = $14
Dean Anna 1hr = $2
Brian McCann 8hr = $16
Yangervis Solarte 6hr = $12
Mark Teixeira 13hr = $26
John Ryan Murphy 1hr = $2
Jacoby Ellsubry 4hr = $8
Brian Roberts 2hr = $4
Derek Jeter 1hr = $2
Zoilo Almonte 1hr = $2

Total 60hr = $120

Yankees Win Some, Lose Some, Onto Toronto

The Good

The Yankees swept Toronto last week, which was pretty great.  They even took the first game against Baltimore, stringing together a 4 game winning streak against division rivals.  It looked promising that the Yankees could be warming up and getting back in this.

The Bad

Then this weekend hit.  Saturday, the Yankees lost 6-1 with Vidal Nuno giving up 5 runs across 6 innings.  It wouldn't have mattered much seeing as Teixeira's solo homerun was all the offense they could muster.  Tanaka was taking the mound on Sunday, so it was safe to expect a win, but then the Yankees forgot how to hit.  Tanaka gave a solid 7 inning, 3 run performance (not his best, but a good start nonetheless), but then Warren gave up 4 runs in an inning of work.  Once again, it wouldn't have mattered much since the Yankees scored 0 runs, in an 8-0 loss.  Luckily, we're taking on Toronto again, and if last week is any indication, we can hopefully put some wins under our belt.

The Ugly

The Yankees have had a disappointing season, but when I look up at the standings, we're only 1.5 games out of first place.  This can only mean that we're in a disappointing division, which totally devalues every win we have against AL East teams.  Our next 9 games are against division rivals, which now just makes me sad.

We May Not Blog As Much, But We Still Care About the Children

Since we last updated the homerun totals, there have been 8 homeruns, but seeing as we haven't updated the homerun totals since June 11th, this really isn't that impressive.  I remember when the Yankees used to hit 8 homeruns in one game.  Where's A-Rod when you need him.

Brett Gardner 6hr = $12
Alfonso Soriano 6hr = $12
Kelly Johnson 4hr = $8
Carlos Beltran 7hr = $14
Dean Anna 1hr = $2
Brian McCann 8hr = $16
Yangervis Solarte 6hr = $12
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
John Ryan Murphy 1hr = $2
Jacoby Ellsubry 4hr = $8
Brian Roberts 2hr = $4
Derek Jeter 1hr = $2
Zoilo Almonte 1hr = $2

Total 59hr = $118

Yankees Sweep Mariners

Normally, a game review follows a game, or—lately anyway—a series. But since we're on our way out, I figure it's okay to do whatever I feel like. What are you going to do? Stop reading? Well, our abrupt retirement from blogging super-stardom has rendered your only protest tool utterly moot, leaving me free to rant maniacally about whatever I want, however I want. So here's my thoughts after three wins against Seattle.

Seattle is the only municipality in the country whose minimum wage actually allows those earning it to live within its city limits in something resembling a home, and not a slightly larger prison cell. So beating up on Seattle for three straight days doesn't feel like a victory, but like something the As will now make us do penance for.

It's still weird seeing Robinson Cano play for someone else, but I must admit that Roberts hasn't been the train wreck I was expecting. But I can't help but feel that it's troubling that I've become untroubled by Roberts. Is this the best we can hope for? Roberts is a fine player, but it's the overwhelming mediocrity that seems to make Roberts a good pickup. If McCann could hit, and Beltran could be 10 years younger, and Ellsbury could stop running into things, Roberts would seem far less impressive than he has (which is slightly impressive).

Speaking of Ellsbury, if he disdains his life and well-being this much, he should just develop a drinking problem like the rest of us. He really needs to stop running into walls at full speed if the Yankees are to have any hope of selling Legends Seat tickets.

Lastly, Tanaka is amazing. I can only imagine he'll win the Cy Young Award, and that next year, he'll win the Tanaka Award, formerly known as Cy Young, but changed for obvious reasons. He's 25, so he's automatically the face of the franchise when Jeter retires. Sorry D-Rob, the torch has been passed, and the instructions are in Japanese. (I'm a metaphor mixologist, in case you were wondering).

RJG Speaks to Brian Cashman, It Doesn't Get Weird, Then It Does

The news of our impending retirement took many by surprise, and after spending a few days returning phone calls to world leaders and other concerned parties, it was time to dust off the old satellite video phone and call good friend of the blog, and official relationship guru, Brian Cashman. The following is a transcript of our conversation.

BC: Hello?

RJG: If it isn't the Bronstrosity from down under! And by 'down under' I mean southern Connecticut. How the hell are you?!

BC: I'm okay. Your retirement announcement came as a bit of a shock.

RJG: That's nice of you to say, I didn't think you'd be particularly aware of/affected by it.

BC: A shock it didn't happen sooner. BOOM!!!

RJG: Oh man, you got me good with that one! Almost as good as you got all those Yankee ticket holders with this wonderfully uninteresting team you've put together. Let me ask you, when you set out to cure insomnia, did you expect it to be this easy?

BC: Even as you ride into the sunset you can't help but provoke me, can you?

RJG: Oh, I'm not trying to provoke you Cashtrastophe. I'm just calling to have a pleasant conversation about how much you suck at your job. A job you're paid millions to do. That's all.

BC: You bloggers and Yankee fans are all the same. You have no idea what it is to put together a team. To give it life. Have it grow inside of you. Birth it. Watch the placenta be mopped up by an orderly.

RJG: Is that how you describe looking at a list of All-Stars from a decade ago and signing them to long term contracts? When is Vlad Guerrero coming out of retirement?

BC: Ha. Ha. It's so funny I forgot to laugh.

RJG: You just laughed. Twice. For a supposedly data savvy GM you're surprisingly bad at counting. Is that the problem, that you can't count? Or count on players signed by you?

BC: Surprisingly, our data actually does indicate it's the latter.

RJG: Whaddaya mean?

BC: We brought in Nate Silver to do some number crunching for us, and he's noticed that a player's on-field effectiveness has an inverse relationship to the amount of time that player's agent has spent negotiating with me. It's called the Cashman Effect, named after Hans Cashman, the scientist who discovered it.

RJG: I thought Nate Silver discovered it.

BC: No, if that was the case then it would be named after me, suggesting I'm ineffective at my job.

RJG: That is exactly what I'm suggesting.

BC: I could see how you could make that mistake, but you're forgetting that I had a very public affair with a crazy woman that cost me my marriage.

RJG: No I haven't! That's the second most interesting thing about you. The first is that anybody would agree to marry someone as clearly bad at their job as you are.

BC: You'll pay for that.

RJG: Why don't you go pay your divorce lawyer and alimony fees first. BOOM SHAKA LAKA!

BC: Why don't you go post infrequently with ever declining comment numbers from an increasingly absent readership?

RJG: [Muffled sobs]

BC: I'm sorry, I went too far.

RJG: Oh no, I wasn't crying about what you just said. ESPN just played some clips from last night's game and watching your on-field product generally induces an overwhelming sense of grief and despair.

BC: You must think you're so clever. But have you taken into account that Ron Washington did cocaine?

RJG: No, actually I didn't. You're right. I was wrong to criticize you.

BC: I'm glad we cleared this up.

RJG: It's not all about you, Bronny.

[Click]

Well there you have it folks: Brian Cashman fully expects this team to contend in 2014.

Yankees Top Mariners

The Good

The Yankees didn't look entirely hopeless on the field yesterday.  They pulled out a close game, and got the hits that they needed, while Vidal Nuno pitched a solid game, despite not looking entirely in control. It wasn't a dominant win by the Yankees, but it's a win, and at this point in June, I'll take it.

The Bad

The Yankees look uninspired.  It's like they have a semblance of a team, but can't get the pieces to work together.  It's like the first half of the Avengers movie.

The Ugly

Cano had a couple hits against us, while Roberts made a couple outs at the plate.  That $238 million discount for a second baseman doesn't look so good does it!

We Would Love To Help The Children

But the Yankees won't oblige.  0 homeruns means $0 for children's health.

Brett Gardner 4hr = $8
Alfonso Soriano 6hr = $12
Kelly Johnson 4hr = $8
Carlos Beltran 5hr = $10
Dean Anna 1hr = $2
Brian McCann 7hr = $14
Yangervis Solarte 6hr = $12
Mark Teixeira 10hr = $20
John Ryan Murphy 1hr = $2
Jacoby Ellsubry 3hr = $6
Brian Roberts 2hr = $4
Derek Jeter 1hr = $2
Zoilo Almonte 1hr = $2

Total 51hr = $102

Kansas City Hands Out Royal Beating

The Good

We weren't swept.  Thanks in large part to Chase Whitley's 7 innings of 2 run ball, and a 3-run double by McCann.  Ichiro and Solarte hit well over the weekend, and Ichiro seemed to be the only Yankee interested in winning yesterday's game, but it was just not meant to be.  

The Bad

The Yankees went 1-17 with runners in scoring position yesterday.  We lost 2-1.  It was a pretty sad display of baseball.  The 9th inning characterized the game pretty well: Ichiro hits a single, moves to second on a wild pitch, and with 0 outs and a man in scoring position, Brian Roberts flies out, Teixeira grounds out to first while Ichiro moves to third, and Gardner strikes out to end the game.  That pretty much characterizes our offense right now.

The Ugly

Let's go with David Phelps 5.2 innings of 7 run ball on Saturday.  You'll typically lose most games you pitch that way.  Even worse however, is Kuroda's 7 inning 2 run gem that we threw away yesterday when we decided to hit like the Royals circa 2007.

At Least The Children Were Taken Care Of Right?

No.  They were not.  0 homeruns all weekend.

Brett Gardner 4hr = $8
Alfonso Soriano 6hr = $12
Kelly Johnson 4hr = $8
Carlos Beltran 5hr = $10
Dean Anna 1hr = $2
Brian McCann 7hr = $14
Yangervis Solarte 6hr = $12
Mark Teixeira 10hr = $20
John Ryan Murphy 1hr = $2
Jacoby Ellsubry 3hr = $6
Brian Roberts 2hr = $4
Derek Jeter 1hr = $2
Zoilo Almonte 1hr = $2

Total 51hr = $102

RJG to Retire After 2014 Season

It's been a fun ride, but eventually the carny makes you get off and throw up somewheres else. Jerk.  After a great deal of deliberation and discussion (one conversation), the RJG team has decided it is time to call it a day. After the 2014 season, we will officially retire the blog, no longer able to keep up with the grueling demands of year-round, made-up baseball coverage.

As my brother and I have advanced in our careers (we're still paid the same amount and have the same titles, but we're expected to do more work), it has become harder to update the blog regularly. Besides, they keep installing these new and improved filters to our workplace intranets that don't allow us access to Yankees related web-content, making it far harder for us to keep up with the team. Without the ability, or the energy, to keep the blog updated as regularly as we used to, we've come to the realization that it is time to close up shop and move on.

We wrestled with when exactly to make this announcement, fearing its consequences for the long-term health of the internet and that it might detract from Derek Jeter's own impending retirement. But it would be selfish not to give the world the chance to honor us with expensive gifts and tributes for the next 4-5 months, depending on whether the Yankees see any playoff action.

You may be thinking, 'But guys, I budgeted all my tribute money for Derek's gift!' That's a fair concern, but #$&@ Derek Jeter, he can afford his own gifts. We can't even maintain a blog, we clearly need the financial generosity more than he does.

I can only assume that at this point, the tears streaming down your face have rendered this impossible to read. Good. We've been making you laugh for six years, you owe us at least an uncontrollable fit of grief. And we expect all five stages. No. Not expect. Demand. We demand all five stages.

It's been an amazing ride, and we've appreciated that so many of you have shared along in our alternate Yankees universe where Brian Cashman is a madman, Phil Hughes the next Rush Limbaugh, and Shane Spencer has a plaque in Monument Park. Thank you so much for humoring us these past six years, and honoring us with your readership and comments. It really motivated us to keep going, to keep trying to be funny and inventive for you. Until recently anyways when we kind of gave up. Sorry about that. But you should probably blame yourselves and not us, at least until you've bought our farewell gift.

We also want to send a special shout out to all those who over the years have commented vigorously, only to abruptly leave us. You crushed our dreams and our will to live. Thank you for that. It doesn't sting at all.

Pardon the Delay!

The Good

So we've been out of the loop for a few weeks now.  Life has been increasingly busy, and time is on short order.  You see, as a result of the rebound from the financial crisis, we now have jobs.  Being employed totally takes time away from watching baseball and blogging about them.

Yesterday, Tanaka pitched a winner, continuing a trend of giving the team the only chance to win once every five games.  Gardner hit a homerun, and Soriano had a couple hits, and an RBI effectively doubling his season totals.

The Bad

We have one hitter in our lineup hitting above .300 and that's Ichiro.  What happened?

The Ugly

Robertson recorded a save, but he also has an ERA above 4.  Betances on the other hand has a 1.54 ERA and has been pretty consistent.  Perhaps Robertson will have some competition in the very near future?

Homeruns a Boon for Children's Health Fund

Because we haven't updated homeruns in a while, it appears there's a lot of catching up to do.  Yesterday, Gardner hit the only Yankee homerun, but since we last updated there were about 3 homeruns from other players.  Turns out we haven't really been crushing the ball.

Brett Gardner 4hr = $8
Alfonso Soriano 6hr = $12
Kelly Johnson 4hr = $8
Carlos Beltran 5hr = $10
Dean Anna 1hr = $2
Brian McCann 7hr = $14
Yangervis Solarte 6hr = $12
Mark Teixeira 10hr = $20
John Ryan Murphy 1hr = $2
Jacoby Ellsubry 3hr = $6
Brian Roberts 2hr = $4
Derek Jeter 1hr = $2
Zoilo Almonte 1hr = $2

Total 51hr = $102