Yankees Complete Sweep

The Good

The Yankees swept the Mets, with Phil Hughes and Andy Pettitte putting up good pitching performances, while the bats did what they do best on this team: hit homeruns.  Yesterday, Martin hit two homeruns including the walk off jack.  That's pretty good.

The Bad

Soriano came in to close yesterdays game and ended up tieing it up.  The Yankees had to bring in Logan to get the last outs. 

The Ugly

With the Yankees down by 3 runs, and with two on and no outs in the second, Nick Swisher decided to try a bunt.  He ended up bunting it right back to the pitcher who got the lead runner at third.  After the game reporters asked Swisher what made him bunt, but Swisher would not answer.  "I just watched Prometheus." Explained Swisher.  "And just like Prometheus, I raise questions that I then don't answer, leaving the audience frustrated."

The Only Way to Win

The only way for the Yankees to win is by hitting homeruns, and that's good news for the children at the Children's Health Fund.  Teixeira, Granderson, and Martin all made contributions this weekend.

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 9hr = $18
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 18hr = $36
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 11hr = $22
Mark Teixeira 11hr = $22
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
 
Total 92hr = $184

Santana Throws All-Hitter

The Good

Everyone scored and got on base and hit a home run. Kuroda gave us a strong 7 plus inning performance.

The Bad

Kuroda got knocked out of the game when he took a line drive off his foot. The Mets have yet to issue an official written apology. Could retribution be far away? Unlikely.

The Ugly

After pitching the first no-hitter in Mets' history, Johan Santana, which is Spanish for 'John Plays the Guitar Awesome', threw the Mets' first all-hitter. Everybody hit the ball. Hard. Home runs everywhere. Runs scored everywhere. It was ugly, though not for us. It was pretty good for us.

Whose House?

Home Run's house! Cano, Swisher, and Jones each hit home-runs (back to back to back; Cano hit another one later in the game too). Ouch. But not for the kids, who get $8 more!

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 9hr = $18
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 11hr = $22
Mark Teixeira 10hr = $20
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 6hr = $12
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 88hr = $176

Where Was A-Rod?

After a subpar performance in Thursday night's game against the Rays, a game which the Yankees lost 7-3, A-Rod did not make himself available to the media to answer questions about his errant throw to first or his failure to come through with the bases loaded. As a result, his teammates were left to answer any and all questions about the game, as well as to explain A-Rod's absence.

"He's been acting weird," explained one concerned teammate. "I mean, Al's always been weird. But lately, he keeps coming into the trainer's room and explaining that he wants Michelle Obama arms, and that he needs to work on getting Michelle Obama arms. It really weirds everybody out."

"I liked it better when he was obsessed with Jete," claimed another frustrated teammate. "I mean, Michelle Obama has nice arms and all, but really? Michelle Obama arms? That's your new goal? What the #%&@ is wrong with you?"

For weeks now, every time Rodriguez has arrived at the stadium, he has gone straight to the team's private work-out facility to work on his new goal. Some are concerned that the constant attention to his triceps has caused fatigue, slowing down his bat and sapping A-Rod of his power.

"Look, I can deal with the lack of power," said another teammate. "I just can't deal with having to explain to the media that A-Rod's not available to answer questions because he doesn't want to appear on television clips with arms that aren't 'Michellorific'. He keeps saying that. 'Are my arms Michellorific?' 'Don't you think my arms look Michellorific?' 'I've got to keep working on my arms, they're not Michellorific yet.' I can't #%$&@#$ hear that $#!% anymore. Every. Day. Michellorific. Somebody needs to talk to that boy."

You Can't Win Them All

The Good

Sabathia struck out 12 guys.  12!  There aren't even that many players in a lineup!  That's like striking out all the original Wu-Tang members PLUS the Fugees. 

The Bad

It turns out bad defense can undermine a pitching performance.  Did the 2 unearned runs from A-Rod's errant throw make us lose the game?  Maybe not, but it certainly didn't help, and you can't underestimate the effect it has on the pitcher who has to make the extra outs.

The Ugly

The Yankees need to try a bold new strategy at the plate: Never Load the Bases.  Not this year.  That means that if there are two runners on, you just gotta start swinging for the fences.  Don't be patient.  Don't try to work the walk.  Just swing.  A-Rod's strikeout with bases loaded, and Cano's weak grounder right after have brought the Yankees to hitting .161 with bases loaded this season.  That's lower than Russell Martin's season batting average.  And speaking of Martin...

Off the Bench, And Into Our Hearts

A homerun from Russell Martin has dropped $2 for the Children's Health Fund, and has given hope to his season.  He's finally over .200 and it looks like he could really be turning a corner.

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 8hr = $64
Andruw Jones 5hr = $10
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 9hr = $18
Mark Teixeira 10hr = $20
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 6hr = $12
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
 
Total 84hr = $168

Dear Oklahoma City,

Congratulations on defeating the Spurs. Also, congratulations on having the whitest fan base in all of professional sports. You make hockey games look like 125th Street (before Columbia took it over). But could you do me one favor? Could you not dress the entire crowd in white? Usually when that many white people are dressed up all in white, things get bad. Religious iconography is set ablaze on lawns, you hear the name 'Bubba' a lot, everyone is armed for no apparent reason, a lot of scariness all-around. So could you just tone down the all-whiteness a bit? T-shirts, that is.

Spacial Objects Continue to Confound Rays

The Good

The Yankees had another phenomenal pitching performance to top the Rays with Nova going 8 innings and only allowing 1 run.  Cano and Teixeira hit homeruns in the game signaling a return to Ruthian baseball.

The Bad

Seeing Matsui as the DH hitting .125. 

The Ugly

Tampa Bay pitcher Alex Cobb took the loss after allowing 4 runs over 7 innings.  Asked if he was disappointed with how the game went Cobb responded "You know what's disappointing?  Astronomy.  I took an astronomy class thinking that it would be all about fighting aliens, and shooting lasers and crap like that, and instead we were measuring the distance of stars.  What's that about?"

Ruthian Baseball Benefits the Babies

Two homeruns, one each from Teixeira and Cano, has landed $4 for the children at the Children's Health Fund.

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 8hr = $64
Andruw Jones 5hr = $10
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 9hr = $18
Mark Teixeira 10hr = $20
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 5hr = $10
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
 
Total 83hr = $166

Yanks Take First of Three Against Rays

The Good

The Yankees scored seven runs against James Shields. Angela Merkel insisted that those profligate runs be accompanied by corresponding austerity measures and Andy Pettitte responded by refusing the Rays any runs. This may not save the Eurozone, but it's good for a win.

The Bad

Is there no better use for Freddy Garcia than as a biweekly reliever? He's gotta have some trade value or something.

The Ugly

Shields was understandably upset about his performance, but he didn't exactly take responsibility. Instead, he passed the buck to an unlikely causal agent.

"Venus was passing in front of the sun today," explained Shields. "Everyone's like, 'you gotta see Venus pass in front of the sun!' I get caught up in the excitement, and I'm all, 'Venus? The sun? I'm there!' I've been staring at the sun all day, I didn't see a damn thing. Molina's calling signs, and I'm looking up at the sun. Looking. Watching. Waiting. Nothing. Did he call a good game? I don't know. Where was Venus?!"

No Bunts

The Yankees scored seven runs today, six of them in the exact way they've been performing offensively all season. They scored two runs when they failed to hit with runners in scoring position (thank you Rays' defense!), and four on a grand-slam by Martin. That does not erase any concerns about the offense, but it does yield $2 more for the kids. That's something, right?

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 8hr = $64
Andruw Jones 5hr = $10
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 8hr = $16
Mark Teixeira 9hr = $18
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 5hr = $10
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 80hr = $162

Yankees Draft Ty Hensley

The First Year Player's Draft began yesterday and the Yankees used their top pick to choose Ty Hensley.  Hensley is a high school player out of Oklahoma, who throws a fastball that tops out around 94mph, and throws a power curve.  The draft is always interesting in baseball as there tends to be a high disparity between the "can't miss prospects" and the number of impact players these "can't miss prospects" end up being.  Then you have guys like Pettitte who was drafted in the 22nd round of the pick and ended up being our stopper.  Not that all the first round picks are duds.  Sabathia, A-Rod, Jeter, Swisher and Teixeira were all first round draft picks, Granderson was a third round pick.  But what is clear is that teams that make good draft choices can turn things around quickly.  You need look no closer than the Tampa Bay Rays for proof of that, and this year, the Washington Nationals are further proof. 

Yanks Take Weekend Series Against Detroit

The Good

We beat Verlander, hitting two home runs and scoring five runs against him. This after Derek Jeter said the Yankees would never score again. Looks like Verlander took that one a little too literally and got lax, now he's paying for it with his ERA and significant emotional damage. Did you see the look on his face when he was sitting in the dugout in the seventh? He looked like the Yankees were eating his ice cream as they rode away on his new bike. Damn.

The Bad

The Yankees lost the middle game when some guy did something in the ninth. Blah, blah, blah.

The Ugly

After Sunday's game, Verlander refused to accept responsibility for his poor performance in his recent outings.

"It's not my fault," explained Verlander. "I've been afflicted with the Stuxnet virus and none of my centrifuges are working. How do you expect me to pitch like that?! Everybody knows I'm a flame-thrower, but I've got the Flame virus too. Every time I try to locate my fastball it's all zero, zero, one, zero, one, one, zero. I can't concentrate!"

Informed that he's neither a computer or living in the Matrix, Verlander retorted, "That's what they want you to think!"

One reporter then asked whether it was selfish of him, being aware of the Matrix, to use that knowledge to become a successful baseball player rather than, you know, trying to save humanity. That's when the interview abruptly ended with Verlander assuring us that, "You just don't get it."

The Power Stroke (Stop Laughing)

The Yankees hit no home runs in the middle game, but hit two yesterday (one each from Jeter and A-Rod). That's $4 more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 8hr = $64
Andruw Jones 5hr = $10
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 8hr = $16
Mark Teixeira 9hr = $18
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 4hr = $8
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 80hr = $160

No Sweep Part 2!

The Good

Now that we've won the first game, a sweep against us is virtually impossible.  However it does set us up for a sweep of Detroit which is good.  Granderson hit a grandslam, and Sabathia pitched 7 innings of 3 run ball.

The Bad

It took us 5 releivers to close out 2 innings.  It just doesn't seem efficient.

The Ugly

I just noticed that back up catcher Chris Stewart is batting an unimpressive .227, and yet its still a lot better than Russell Martin's .187 average.  Oh snap!

Brown Suede Timb's!

That's what the children can now afford to wear after another 2 homeruns in yesterdays game from Granderson and A-Rod.

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 8hr = $64
Andruw Jones 5hr = $10
Derek Jeter 5hr = $10
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 8hr = $16
Robinson Cano 8hr = $16
Mark Teixeira 9hr = $18
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 4hr = $8
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4 
  
Total 78hr = $156