Yankees Down Sox, Sox Still in Recovery

The Good

The Yankees won 10-3 led by big blasts by Raul Ibanez, Russell Martin, and a grandslam by Curtis Granderson.  Phil Hughes, who's been a very competent pitcher of late, gave us 7 innings of 3-run ball.  Ichiro played his first game as part of the rivalry and had this to say about his experience: "I thought the rivalry would be more competitive than this, no?"

The Bad

Chavez got hit on the shin by Mark Melancon.  The Yankees retaliated with a grandslam.  Melancon was very upset: "Getting hit by a pitch leaves a bruise for a few days, my ERA is for life!  What will I tell my kids?  One day they'll be old enough to use the internet, and there will be next to my name an 8.59 ERA.  That was uncalled for, and the Yankees owe me an apology."

The Ugly

The Yankees did not issue an apology, and Melancon was not pleased.  He stayed up all night sitting next to his phone waiting for Granderson to call.  I suspect he will not be available to pitch today.

The Ravages of War


BOOM!  CRACK!  SPLATTER!  There were 6 homeruns hit in yesterday's game, 3 by each team, but the Yankees 3 carried more value for in addition to driving in 8 runs, they also provided $6 for the children the way Abner Doubleday envisioned when he invented baseball on the back of a bar napkin while George Washington and the Continental Congress looked on in approval.  That's why its America's pastime.

Raul Ibanez 13hr = $26
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 8hr = $16
Curtis Granderson 28hr = $56
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 22hr = $44
Mark Teixeira 19hr = $38
Eric Chavez 8hr = $16
Russell Martin 11hr = $22
Jayson Nix 3hr = $6
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6

Total 153hr = $312

Yanks Take Series from Mariners

The Good

We took the series, the bullpen performed admirably, and the Captain, he of the respected gangster, hit a home run.

The Bad

Seattle starter Hisashi Iwakuma felt he was being shown up by Jeter. It's not that Jeter watched the home run or celebrated excessively, it's just that when a slap hitter drives one out of the park you sort of feel like he's trying to show you up.

The Ugly

Suzuki went 1-5 with no RBI, making this the worst trade Brian Cashman has ever made. Ever.

The Captain Still Provides

Captain Derek Jeter of the 161st made sure the babies were taken care of, and so say all of us.

Raul Ibanez 12hr = $24
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 8hr = $16
Curtis Granderson 27hr = $54
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 22hr = $44
Mark Teixeira 19hr = $38
Eric Chavez 8hr = $16
Russell Martin 10hr = $20
Jayson Nix 3hr = $6
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6

Total 153hr = $306

A-Rod Out with Fracture in Loss to King Felix

The Good

Freddy Garcia had a strong start, keeping us in the game and giving Girardi a chance to overmanage. Girardi was really happy about that.

The Bad

The Yankees lost to the Seattle Mariners. Yes, those Seattle Mariners. The ones in Seattle, Washington. Granderson hit a home run and we still lost. How? One word: intimidation.

The Ugly

A-Rod had his hand broken on an inside changeup. Three hitters in all were hit, and though none of the HBPs may have been intentional, there still has to be consequences for pitching inside when you don't have control, and there weren't any. Even worse, the Yankees basically apologized for King Felix after the game. That's worse than when Obama apologized for America that time the Republicans made up.

We Still Reached the Babies

Curtis Granderson made sure this loss wasn't a loss for the babies, since babies are needy. $2 more for them.

Raul Ibanez 12hr = $24
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 27hr = $54
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 22hr = $44
Mark Teixeira 19hr = $38
Eric Chavez 8hr = $16
Russell Martin 10hr = $20
Jayson Nix 3hr = $6
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6

Total 152hr = $304

Ichiro Makes Yankees Winners Again, Needs Shoulder Surgery

The Good

For the second time in seven months, the Yankees have made an unexpected trade with Seattle. Hiroki Kuroda celebrated by giving us seven strong innings, and Rodriguez, in an homage to his old Seattle days, hit a home run.

The Bad

The Yankees designated Dewayne Wise for assignment before the game. When informed, Wise got excited and asked, "What assignment? A starting role?" It was awkward for everyone.

The Ugly

Is it only a matter of time before Ichiro needs shoulder surgery? Our history trading with the treacherous Mariners says yes. Could it be that his decline over the last few years is a result of shoulder problems? Shoulder problems the Mariners knew about but hid in order to keep his trade value high (two middling prospects high)? Almost certainly.

We too Accept Donations

A-Rod hit a home run, garnering $2 more for the babies.

Raul Ibanez 12hr = $24
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 26hr = $52
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 22hr = $44
Mark Teixeira 19hr = $38
Eric Chavez 8hr = $16
Russell Martin 10hr = $20
Jayson Nix 3hr = $6
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6

Total 151hr = $302

Yanks Drop Another Two-Straight Against Athletics

The Good

Hughes managed to improve his ERA a bit, and we managed to get another $2 for the CHF.

The Bad

The Yankees just got swept. By Oakland. Yes, the Oakland Athletics. Swept. Four games. In a row.

The Ugly

Facebook stock is still losing value. It's not clear how a company whose only product is given away for free is failing to be more profitable, but it is. Recently, Facebook executives turned to Yankees Chief Operating Officer, Lonn Trost for advice.

"Like Facebook, the Yankees also basically give away their product," explained Trost to uberjerk Mark Zuckerberg. "We produce wins and championships, the satisfaction of which can be enjoyed without paying a dime. But what you have to do is get people interested in the making of the product. People want to see how a championship gets built, and they'll pay $2500 a seat to watch it happen. That's how you become profitable."

Informed that nobody sits in the expensive seats at Yankee Stadium and that even fewer still would pay that much to watch a bunch of nerds type up code for hours, Trost grew exasperated and left the room. Mark Zuckerberg wept.

The CHF Still Gets Love

Even though we can no longer win and our season is doomed, the Yankees still managed to make another $2 for the CHF. Granderson hit his 26th home run of the season, garnering another $2 for the kids. Hurray!

Raul Ibanez 12hr = $24
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 26hr = $52
Alex Rodriguez 14hr = $28
Robinson Cano 22hr = $44
Mark Teixeira 19hr = $38
Eric Chavez 8hr = $16
Russell Martin 10hr = $20
Jayson Nix 3hr = $6
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6

Total 150hr = $300

Yanks Drop 2 Straight to Athletics

The Good

Nova seems to have a magical ability to limit runs while giving up unlimited hits.  It didn't work for us last night, but its still a cool talent.  Cano and Martin each had homeruns last night, tieing the game and putting us in position to take the lead.

The Bad

We didn't take the lead, and dropped the second straight game against the Athletics.  And this comes after sweeping Toronto and taking the series with the Angels, two far superior teams. 

The Ugly

I happened to look at the Wild Card race today, it looks like Pittsburgh is tied for first in the National League, and Baltimore was half a game out of first in the American League.  My whole paradigm got rocked!  But now I'm kind of pulling for them.  It'd be great for Pittsburgh and Baltimore to make it to the playoffs.  It'd be particularly great to see them beat out Atlanta and Anaheim to do it. 

Homeruns Since Our Hiatus

We've been out of the game updating business for a little while so now its time to tally up what the Yankees have done since we've disappeared.  In addition to the homeruns hit by Martin and Cano yesterday, the Yankees have hit an additional 13 homeruns, with a major contribution from Teixeira who hit 4 in our absence.  We are now just $2 shy of the $300 mark for donations given to the Children's Health Fund.

Raul Ibanez 12hr = $24
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 25hr = $50
Alex Rodriguez 14hr = $28
Robinson Cano 22hr = $44
Mark Teixeira 19hr = $38
Eric Chavez 8hr = $16
Russell Martin 10hr = $20
Jayson Nix 3hr = $6
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6
 
Total 149hr = $298

Sorry, But There's a Good Excuse

Okay, so we said we were going to update more regularly. We promised to stop using the trademarked Joel Sherman method now that he was threatening to sue. We wrote a few timely updates, then disappeared again. Why? Are we that boyfriend who keeps breaking your heart, lying to you, until you finally realize that while you still love him, you need to let him go and move on because he's just not ready to commit? Probably. But that's not what happened here. Seriously.

Here's what did happen. It was Friday the thirteenth. The Yanks had just defeated the Angels and we were feeling good. Too good to update the blog right away. We had to go out.

Now, when I go out I like to have a plan, and, this time, I had a doozy. So we walk up in the spot, I went right up to the first girl I saw, and I said, "Your hair has amazing volume, it's loud as $#!%."

This did not go over well. This woman smacked the $#!% out of me. I mean, she was clearly in no mood to hear some quip about her hair. I just got out of the hospital having suffered serious smacking-related complications. The left side of my face was completely numb. I still have a lazy eye on that side and can't quite chew. Don't talk $#!% about a woman's hair. It's not worth it.

The worst part? No, not the inability to update the blog in the meantime. I had to hear the most inane conversations between the person sharing my hospital room and his obnoxious significant other. Here's a taste:

Moron 1: I lived abroad for a year, and you know what I missed most about America?

Moron 2: The freedom?

M1: You know, I thought it would be the freedom, but it wasn't. What I missed most was corn muffins. You can't find good corn muffins abroad.

RJG: Shut the #@$& up!!!!

M2: Nurse! The misogynist is awake again!

I hated that hospital room, but that line about the hair volume was epic. I regret it, but I don't regret it. Word. Yanks are kicking arse right now, so at least that should've kept you in a good mood while we disappeared again. We should be back now. For reals this time.

Trade Deadline Anyone?

The Yankees find themselves in an interesting spot.  They're first in the division by 7 games, which is great, but they've recently lost Andy Pettitte who was a stabilizing force in the rotation, and even Sabathia has been hobbled of late.  The Yankees have stated that Pettitte could be back by the end of August at the earliest, but I'd be surprised if anyone could come back from a fractured ankle that quickly.  A lot of force comes down on that ankle with each pitch, and 100 pitches a game is the expectation.  So as the season progresses, the question becomes, do we trade for a pitcher to replace Pettitte, or do we stay put and try to mash our way to the next championship?

AL Loses Again

Yesterday was the all-star game and as we all know, the all-star game is the pinnacle of all sports experiences.  But yesterdays game continued a disturbing trend.  The American League has lost its third consecutive all-star game to the National League after years of AL dominance.  What has brought this about?  Well, after months of intensive journalism, the RJG has discovered the answer.

"The National League is different than the American League."  Explained one major league executive with knowledge on the matter.  "Since the AL has designated hitters, and we have pitchers hitting, a decision was made to balance this problem.  It was decided that steroids would be legal in the NL but not in the AL.  I mean haven't you noticed?  A-Rod, David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, they're all known PED users and what do they have in common?  They're all in the American League!  They never catch National League steroid users."

But when asked about Ryan Braun the exec had this to say: "Braun wasn't using steroids, he was injecting himself with Derek Jeter's Driven cologne.  That's cheating."

So there you have it, the reason for the National League's dominance in the last 3 years is all thanks to steroids, and Jeter's line of cologne.

RJG Responds to RJ's Comments

Reggie Jackson was recently quoted questioning A-Rod and Andy Pettitte's accomplishments due to their PED admissions, as well as the Hall of Fame credentials of a future Lifetime premiere movie event. Now, Jackson didn't say anything that wasn't true; A-Rod and Pettitte's numbers clearly carry the stain of their PED admissions. What he did do, and what may upset some, is that he voiced his opinions in his usual d@*kish manner. Now, to be fair, Jackson's always been d@*kish. It may be his only personality trait. So I find it odd that Yankees brass is now barring him from team events. He's basically been the same guy since he first joined the Yankees in 1977, now he's barred? I don't want to start a 'Reggie being Reggie' sort of thing but I just don't think you can hire someone universally known for being d@*kish and then bar him from team events when he acts thusly. Fin.