Christmas Wish-List

Since our October is over, we might as well turn our thoughts to what we want this coming Christmas. I realize not all of us may celebrate Christmas, but we can all agree that receiving free stuff for no reason other than happening to be around on a particular day is a pretty good deal. Just ask any major investment firm still in business. So here's what I want this Christmas:

1. For CC Sabathia to not exercise his opt-out clause.

Hopefully Sabathia remembers all the good times we had. All the times we cheered for him when he was on the mound. The 2009 World Series. All the times the NYPD thoughtfully stopped and frisked his relatives on their way to the Stadium. You know, all the good stuff. Then, hopefully, Sabathia chooses not to opt-out, staying with the Yankees and not costing them anymore money (since clearly they don't have it).

2. For Rafael Soriano to exercise his opt-out clause.

Hopefully Soriano remembers how he used to be a closer. Successful. Now he's a seventh inning guy. Plus he keeps getting stopped and frisked on the way to the Stadium. It's not worth the hassle. Opt out.

3. Another Granderson-style trade, only this time for a pitcher.

Remember when we traded for Granderson and everyone was like, "AJax is the future of baseball," and then AJax just went on to strike out a lot while Granderson became an MVP candidate? We need another trade like that, only this time for a pitcher. A lefty pitcher, with heat, and breaking stuff, and off-speed stuff, who pitches inside against Boston, and who hits for both power and average. That's what I want.

4. For Joba Chamberlain to develop 'Rookie of the Year' super-pitching post surgery.

Remember that movie? Where the kid falls and then can throw a fastball past Major League hitters, or something like that? We need Chamberlain to come back like that. No more of this "He's ahead of schedule" stuff. Every rehabbing athlete ever has been described as ahead of schedule only to come back to the field way after the schedule said he would, if at all. I don't want "ahead of schedule". That is practically proxy for "his career is over". I want "Rookie of the Year".

5. For Girardi to lose it.

When Girardi was hired as manager we were promised a fiery guy who would constantly be thrown out of ballgames. Instead we got an ubernerd who makes decisions based on graphs he generated using logistical regression analyses and keeps in a Trapper Keeper. I want Girardi to wake up one morning only to realize his binder is gone and someone has carelessly poured coffee all over his Macbook Air. Unable to recover his graphs or his binder, Girardi loses all touch with reality. He starts arguing balls and strikes. He starts arguing whether balls hit straight at middle-infielders were foul. He files an official challenge to every game, win or lose. That's the manager I was promised, that is the manager I expect.

That's my list. What's yours?