Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Time for a Call

It's been ages since we last spoke to Yankees GM Brian Cashman via satellite phone, but with the GM Meetings starting up, it was time to get him on the horn and find out his plans for this offseason. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

BC: Hello?

RJG: Hey Bronny. It's been a long time.

BC: Yeah. It has. Look, I'm kind of busy. I can't talk right now.

RJG: Oh. $#!%. Do you have, like, some top secret negotiation going on right now?

BC: Yeah, something like that. I gotta . . .

RJG: Whoa, whoa. Slow down Bronny. Just give me a little taste, you know, let me wet my beak a little. What are you workin' on?

BC: I can't discuss that right now, but it's big.

RJG: Pujols big? Prince Fielder big? CJ Wilson medium? Come on, Bronny! Look, I'll just report it as a rumor. Unsourced.

BC: Okay, but you can't tell anyone! Especially those @$$holes down the hall from Milwaukee!

RJG: Oh $#!%. You're signing Prince Fielder, aren't you?! You crazy bastard! Where are you going to put him?

BC: No. It's not Fielder. It's not a player acquisition.

RJG: It's not a player acquisition? What are you talking about?

BC: Look, I'm on the other line with Pizza Hut and I got them to throw in a free medium with the purchase of a large and breadsticks. I don't even have a coupon, but I lied and said I did but that I left it in my other suitcase. I'm trying to get some free chicken wings and pepsi bottles. Don't blow this up for me!

RJG: Why would the Milwaukee guys care about that?

BC: Because they're jerks, that's why.

RJG: When you got to the hotel, did you go straight for the mini-bar or did you remove your coat first?

BC: That's awfully judgmental of you. You know what I think?

RJG: What?

BC: I think you're jealous of my mad negotiating skills.

RJG: Can we please talk about baseball?

BC: No. You're mad because when you order a pizza you pay full price and you don't get $#!% for free. You're probably eating a pizza right now, aren't you?

RJG: What does that have to do with anything?

BC: You paid full price, didn't you?

RJG: Can we please change the su. . .

BC: You paid full price and now you're upset that I'm going to get a free medium without a coupon. And some pepsi. Pepsi and free mediums.

RJG: I hope you choke on that medium pizza.

BC: I'm more worried about choking on all this money I'm saving!

RJG: You motherfu. . .


So there you have it folks. The GM Meetings are underway and the Yankees are hard at work planning their offseason; perhaps even laying the groundwork for a Curtis Granderson-type trade come the Winter Meetings.


Rich Mahogany said...

Because of the luxury tax, when Cashman buys himself pizza and a Pepsi, he is also buying a little bit for all the other teams. Maybe a pepperoni segment and a sip for each team. He's basically throwing a pizza party for all of MLB every time he tries to enjoy a slice. I don't blame him for being frugal.

Fernando Alejandro said...

Is it odd that this post made me really want pizza?

Rich Mahogany said...

That is the least odd thing about it.

Anonymous said...

I truly hope that your last sentence is right.

Italian sausage and pepper trio for me!