Yanks Finish First Half with Series Win and Baseball's Best Record

The Good

Ivan Nova became the Yankees' first 10 game winner, throwing 6 innings and allowing 2 runs, 1 earned. Andruw Jones continued to punish Boston for simply existing, hitting his fourth home run in 3 games. The Yanks own the best record in baseball heading into the All-Star break.

The Bad

Now that scientists have largely confirmed the existence of the Higgs Boson, we at RJG have given up the search for a new theory to replace the Standard Model. We can now return to blogging on a regular basis. Since we last posted, the Yankees have hit 10 more home runs. This isn't bad, but I've got more updating than I feel like doing.

The Ugly

Many Yankees are looking forward to the upcoming All-Star break and its attendant festivities. Robinson Cano, in particular, is excited to be heading up the AL's Home Run Derby team. However, when asked about it after last night's game, Cano seemed interested only in speaking about something he's less excited about, the upcoming Summer Olympics in London.

"Don't get me wrong," Cano pleaded, "it's not that I hate the Olympics, I just don't get it. I mean, what's the point? Like, if there wasn't track and field and somebody was all, 'hey, check out how fast I can run', we'd all be like, 'wow! What a useless skill! Why don't you go quickly run yourself over to the nearest fast food restaurant, get a job, and start contributing something non-pointless to society.' I mean, am I wrong?"

He wasn't wrong. He was brave for finally saying what we were all thinking, but lacked the courage to put into articulated speech.

The Overdue Math

We already know Jones has hit 4 home runs in the last 3 games. Since our last game review, Wise, Swisher, Nix, and Chavez have each hit one home run, while Teixeira has hit two. That's $20 more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 13hr = $26
Andruw Jones 11hr = $22
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 23hr = $46
Alex Rodriguez 13hr = $26
Robinson Cano 20hr = $40
Mark Teixeira 15hr = $30
Eric Chavez 7hr = $14
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 3hr = $6
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6

Total 134hr = $268

We'll Be Back Soon

I know we haven't been updating for a little bit, but there's a good reason. We went to a blogging seminar held by Joel Sherman and decided to adopt the Sherman Method. (That's trademarked, believe me, he wouldn't shut up about that). Basically, you start a blog, get people to read it, and then just stop updating it. At all. You just stop. As bloggers, this was appealing to us. This meant even less work than just making stuff up! But then Sherman threatened to sue us if we continued to use his method. We protested that he told us to use his method, but his cease and desist letter had pretty convincing letterhead. He's represented by the skillful litigators at Johnson, Foster, & Iswearwewillburyyouyourchildrenandyourchildrenschildren. We'll be back this week as a judge has issued a preliminary injunction which prevents us from any continued usage of the Sherman Method until arguments on the merits can be heard.

No Long Ball No Win

The Good

Freddy Garcia made his comeback start, and he did pretty good.  Lasting 5.1 innings and giving up 2 runs on a night where he could only throw 75 pitches (he threw 74) isn't so bad.  Jayson Nix, who I thought was a country singer, apparently plays for our team, and went 1-3 with a stolen base last night. 

The Bad

Mark Teixeira had a costly error that put the Rays ahead, but Robertson fell behind the pinch hitter and gave up the hit that tied the game setting Teixeira up for his failure.  At the end of the game, Robertson and Teixeira were arguing who blew the game.  Teixeira was adament that it was him, but Robertson was just as convinced that it was him.  As they argued, Granderson stepped in, and said "No guys.  I'm the one to blame."  And he was right...

The Ugly

Granderson went 0-3 with two strikeouts yesterday, and this is significant because Granderson leads our team in homeruns.  As anyone who's watched the Yankees this year knows, the Yankees only win games they hit homeruns in.  No homeruns, no win, Granderson's to blame.

You've Died of Dysentery

That was the message a doctor had to give a child because the Yankees refused to provide the homeruns that provide the funds that provide health.  Of course this all happened in an Oregon Trail game, but isn't Oregon Trail just a metaphor for life?  No homeruns = No Wins = No Money for the children.

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 12hr = $24
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 23hr = $46
Alex Rodriguez 13hr = $26
Robinson Cano 20hr = $40
Mark Teixeira 13hr = $26
Eric Chavez 6hr = $12
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
Dewayne Wise 2hr = $4
 
Total 118hr = $248

Floyd, Pierzynski Have Heated Exchange

RJG has broken many stories over the years. From Kei Igawa's threat to pummel one of Hank Steinbrenner's prized steeds, to the existential crisis posed by Boston's signing of Ryan Sweeney this past winter, RJG has been a relied upon and trustworthy news source for all things baseball.

Recently, Gavin Floyd and A.J. Pierzynski exchanged some words on the mound as Floyd exited a losing effort against the Yankees. Pierzynski is not a well-liked player, and one could easily chalk this one up to Pierzynski's simple unlikability. We at RJG, however, have higher standards than that. Using state of the art technology (beer), we have analyzed the tape and discovered what transgressed between the players. The following is a word for word transcript of what took place on the Yankee Stadium mound.

Floyd: The mandate is clearly a tax increase on middle-income Americans.

Pierzynski: Why don't you go cry to your John Roberts poster.

Ventura: AJ, that's uncalled for.

Floyd: I'll never forgive you for this!

Floyd was left fuming in the dugout. At the end of the inning, Pierzynski walked right past Floyd, seemingly ignoring him. As he walked past, Floyd can be seen yelling the words, "Ginsburg's concurrence in part relies on inapplicable case precedent!" It is unclear if, or in what way, Pierzynski responded.

Well That Was Fun

The Good

The Yankees took 2 of 3 over the weekend effectively splitting the series with Chicago.  Hughes and Kuroda stepped up in their starts with Kuroda striking out 11 in a 7 inning shut out.  Hughes went 8 innings allowing just 2 runs.  Granderson, Cano, Dewayne Wise, and Eric Chavez all hit homeruns.  Also, Dewayne Wise pitched in the final inning of Friday nights trouncing, and was the best pitcher of that game!

The Bad

After clawing his way up above the .200 mark for batting average, Russell Martin finished the series hitting .186.  That's rough.

The Ugly

Turns out we may be missing Pettitte more than we hoped.  Adam Warren's debut lasted all of 2.1 innings, where he allowed 6 runs.  Later on in the game, Corey Wade gave up another 6 runs.  David Phelps releived Warren and went just over 3 innings, and gave up a couple runs.  It looks like he'll be getting the next start. 

Mo Money Mo Healthy Babies

What can we say?  The Yankees clearly care about the babies.  6 homeruns this weekend means 12 more dollars for the Children's Health Fund.

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 12hr = $24
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 23hr = $46
Alex Rodriguez 13hr = $26
Robinson Cano 20hr = $40
Mark Teixeira 13hr = $26
Eric Chavez 6hr = $12
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
Dewayne Wise 2hr = $4
 
Total 118hr = $248

Like Taking Candy From A Baby

The Good

Ivan Nova was magical.  He pitched 7.1 innings allowing just 1 run.  At one point I'm pretty sure he turned into a unicorn.  Teixeira hit a homerun, almost in defiance of his .248 batting average.

The Bad

Despite Nova's magical performance, we still lost the game.  We can't afford to lose games we hit homeruns in.  Homeruns are supposed to be our recipe for success, especially when you get 7 plus innings of 1 run ball out of your starter.

The Ugly

After not paying attention to baseball news over the past few weeks, I was surprised to see Kevin Youkilis in Chicago.  I knew he was traded, but why to the team that we're playing now?  I hate looking at that guy!

A Homer A Day Keeps the Doctor Away

And that's exactly what we got yesterday, one homerun from Marky T adding $2 to the growing RJG deficit. 

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 12hr = $24
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 13hr = $26
Robinson Cano 18hr = $36
Mark Teixeira 13hr = $26
Eric Chavez 5hr = $10
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
Dewayne Wise 1hr = $2
 
Total 118hr = $236

Costly Day for Yanks Results in Victory

The Good

Despite heavy losses, the Yankees managed to score another victory in the fight against racism when they defeated the Indians and pulled off a series sweep. You might be thinking, "What? Chief Wahoo...

(Source)

...How is that racist?"

(Source)

"Oh."

Yeah.

The Bad

Prior to the game, CC Sabathia went on the DL with a groin injury. After the game, Pettitte was on the DL for at least six weeks. We now have to replace two of our best starting pitchers. Sabathia we can replace with a call-up if he's only out for the two games they are expecting. Pettitte on the other hand? He just got Jeff Karstensed. There may be no hope.

The Ugly

Man, doing those image searches is not good for the soul. We live in a #$%&@ up world. I'd like baseball to be a refuge from all that, but then you play the Indians. Isn't being reminded of Cleveland bad enough? Why, MLB? Why? I mean, I know you're America's pastime and all, but could you not work so hard to remind me of America's actual pastime? Thanks.

The European Central Bank Better Bail Us Out

What a surprise, more home runs and money to donate. Cano continues his mean-spirited attempt to destroy RJG. Way to be, Cano. Way to be. $2 more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 12hr = $24
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 13hr = $26
Robinson Cano 18hr = $36
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
Eric Chavez 5hr = $10
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
Dewayne Wise 1hr = $2

Total 117hr = $234

Despite RJG Outage, Yanks Continue to Win

The Good

The Yankees won the last two games, with strong hitting and pitching performances in both. Kuroda went seven, allowing one. Hughes went eight, allowing none. Wise, Cano, Swisher, and Rodriguez all went deep. Also, no one from RJG was harmed in the attack.

The Bad

Cory Wade gave up four runs in the ninth, allowing the Tribe (racist) to get within two. The attack left RJG temporarily unable to fulfill its blogging duties.

The Ugly

An uninstigated ninja attack on the RJG offices became an unmitigated disaster . . . for the ninjas. The attack began with a sabotage of our power supply. Darkness enveloped us. Our computers, relying only on battery power, could not spare us with their now dimly lit power-saving screens.

Unbeknownst to our attackers, however, this is par for the course at RJG. We only pay the electric bill about every fourth month, and that usually by accident. We were quite comfortable in the darkness.

The ninja assassins were overconfident in their numbers. We found this odd since there was only one of them. Kind of a little guy. Out of shape. Come to think of it, I'm not sure that was really a ninja. Who did we pummel yesterday?

I'm Starting to Lose Count

Four more home runs in the past two days. They better do this in the playoffs with all the money we're going to have to donate in the regular season.

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 12hr = $24
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 13hr = $26
Robinson Cano 17hr = $34
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
Eric Chavez 5hr = $10
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
Dewayne Wise 1hr = $2

Total 116hr = $232

Yanks Take Rubber Match from Mets

The Good

The Yankees scored six runs, four on home runs by Swisher and Cano. Our bullpen is still really good.

The Bad

Sabathia was hardly great, giving up five runs (though only one was earned). Cano had an error in the game and our catcher had two.

The Ugly

This is the speech Mets manager Terry Collins gave to his team after the series loss:

"Today, we lost to chickens. Chickens! What does that make you?! Men?! You're not men. You're not even chickens. Do you know what's lower than a chicken?! Eggs. You're all eggs! High in protein, but low in wins against the Yankees. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Ashamed to look your mothers in the eye. In the eye that processes the light that reflects off an egg. That's all you are. Eggs. Everybody get out of my house."

Needless to say, the Mets weren't in Collins' house. They were in the Yankees' house. Zing!

What's So Hard About Hitting Home Runs in Citifield?

The Yankees had seven home runs in this series, two more last night. $4 more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 11hr = $22
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 12hr = $24
Robinson Cano 16hr = $32
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
Eric Chavez 5hr = $10
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 112hr = $224

Yanks and Mets Split First Two Games

The Good

On Saturday, the Yankees won, hitting two home runs in a seventh inning rally that would determine the game.

The Bad

On Friday, the Yankees lost. They let Frank Francisco close them out in the ninth, after he called them chickens. Also bad, the Yanks now face R.A. Dickey in the rubber match. Definitely not good.

The Ugly

After Friday night's loss, there was a lot of heated discussion around the Yankees clubhouse. The players seemed upset, distracted. Something had set them off. Speaking to reporters, Granderson explained what was so upsetting.

"Have you ever seen that movie 'Bee Movie' with Jerry Seinfeld?" asked Granderson to a perplexed group of beat reporters. "Basically, the moral of that movie is that exploited labor populations really need their jobs and poor working conditions, lest they get lazy and have no reason to live. These populations want these jobs, they want them. We need not question the modes of production that produce our cheap wares because deep down, exploited laborers really love and appreciate these jobs, even if, in their ingratitude, they don't always realize it. What kind of message is that to kids? Is it any wonder the reports of working conditions at Foxconn received such a collective shrug? As union laborers, we are all disgusted with this film. It also features bees that can communicate with humans, which is bull$#!%."

Needless to say, the beat reporters were taken aback. They love 'Bee Movie' and would never want to upset the valuable partners behind the affordably produced quality wares whose advertisements fund the newspaper industry.

Producing for the Kids

The Yankees have hit five home runs over the course of the last two games. I guess no one told them how difficult it is to drive the ball out of CitiField. $10 more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 10hr = $20
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 12hr = $24
Robinson Cano 15hr = $30
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
Eric Chavez 5hr = $10
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 110hr = $220