Yanks Take Second Game Behind Kuroda Gem

The Good

The Yanks took another game from best team of all time, Texas, behind a strong pitching performance by Hiroki Kuroda and some back to back power from Swish and Tex.

The Bad

As they have all season long, the Yankees scored 100% of their runs by home runs, proving once again that they can't hack it in the postseason.

The Ugly

When the Rangers returned to the visiting clubhouse, they found a gift-wrapped box in the center of the room. Upon opening it, gasps could be heard as the players realized what was inside.

"It's and old baseball message," explained one veteran Ranger as he pulled out the content of the box, a wooden broom. "The Yankees are trying to sweep us."

Shortly thereafter a Yankee Stadium staff member entered, took the broom and the gift-wrapped box, and chided the Rangers for ruining long-time Yankee Stadium janitor Mike 'Sweepy' Logan's surprise birthday gift.

Who gets a janitor a broom for their birthday? That's #$&%@* up.

We'll Probably Get Audited

I don't think anyone's ever claimed a charitable contributions exemption like the one we're piling up. Two more home runs means 4$ more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 15hr = $30
Nick Swisher 16hr = $32
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 9hr = $18
Curtis Granderson 30hr = $60
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 25hr = $50
Mark Teixeira 23hr = $46
Eric Chavez 13hr = $26
Russell Martin 12hr = $24
Jayson Nix 4hr = $8
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6
Chris Stewart 1hr = $2
Ichiro Suzuki 1hr = $2
Casey McGehee 1hr = $2

Total 180hr = $360

Yanks Take Game 1 Against Texas

The Good

Phelps looks like a legitimate Major League starter and Derek Lowe 'lowe'red his ERA (see what I did there) with four innings of shutout relief work. A grand slam from Nick Swisher and another home run from one Eric Chavez were also good.

The Bad

The Yankees only managed eight runs against one of the top three teams in the American League. What gives?

The Ugly

Why hasn't President Obama congratulated the Yankees yet for having the best record in the AL East? Because he hates America? Probably.

I Give Money, Money I Got

Two more home runs from the bombers last night, one each from Swish and Chavez.

Raul Ibanez 15hr = $30
Nick Swisher 15hr = $30
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 9hr = $18
Curtis Granderson 30hr = $60
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 25hr = $50
Mark Teixeira 22hr = $44
Eric Chavez 13hr = $26
Russell Martin 12hr = $24
Jayson Nix 4hr = $8
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6
Chris Stewart 1hr = $2
Ichiro Suzuki 1hr = $2
Casey McGehee 1hr = $2

Total 178hr = $356

Yanks Take Weekend Series From Toronto

The Good

The Yankees took two of three games, and scored twenty-two runs in the process. The race to the bottom continues, with Nova seeming to pitch his way out of contention. I think it is fair to say that Hughes securely holds the lead. For now. . .

The Bad

Hughes gave up six runs in one inning. Why? Why has he betrayed us? These questions haunt my sleep.

The Ugly

Phil Hughes imploded for the second start in a row. Last time out, he had been disturbed by a change in national welfare policy. This time?

"Oh man," began an oddly excited Hughes, "I haven't been able to sleep since I heard the news! First Mitt was all like, we need to demean poor people's work ethic since we all know poverty is a choice and now Paul Ryan's on the ticket?! Now poor people will have to work because welfare is definitely gone. And social security, medicare, medicaid, and pell grants. But mostly, poor people are lazy."

Told Romney/Ryan would first have to win the election, Hughes did not appreciate the dose of realism, leading to this exchange:

Hughes: I'm not going to let you take this away from me. No. I feel real good right now and I'm not going to let this feeling get away.

Reporter 1: Like you let today's game get away?

Reporter 2: Ouch.

Derek Jeter: Burn.

Hughes: [Tear rolling down cheek] This interview is over!

Interesting Fact

Though the Yankees scored twenty-two runs over the weekend, they only hit four home runs. One would have expected a number more like fifteen, but no, only four. One each from Teixeira, McGehee, Jeter, and Cano.

Raul Ibanez 15hr = $30
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 9hr = $18
Curtis Granderson 30hr = $60
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 25hr = $50
Mark Teixeira 22hr = $44
Eric Chavez 12hr = $24
Russell Martin 12hr = $24
Jayson Nix 4hr = $8
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6
Chris Stewart 1hr = $2
Ichiro Suzuki 1hr = $2
Casey McGehee 1hr = $2

Total 176hr = $352

Yanks Split Series Against Detroit

The Good

The Yankees found a way not to blow two consecutive games, even though their pitching was less than stellar. Granderson already has 30 home runs, and it's not impossible, at this point, to think Chavez may end the season with around 20. Pretty impressive for a part-time player.

The Bad

Chavez told the media that he's concerned the Yanks won't make the postseason. His exact words were, "This team has no chance to make the postseason, Derek Jeter isn't that pretty in person, and Girardi's famous binder is filled with porn, not statistics. I don't think he's ever watched a whole game in his life."

The Ugly

Joe Girardi became infuriated in yesterday's game and got himself thrown out. RJG has attained a transcript of the conversation between Girardi and third base umpire, Tim Welke.

Girardi: We have no chance as a species to survive! I mean, we have these tech companies who spend countless man-hours perfecting search algorithms so that they can quickly and effectively organize a large body of continually changing information. What do they use this technology for? Mapping the cancer genome so we can find a cure?! No! They use it for targeted advertising, so that if you search for a pair of shoes on some website you can get shoe banner ads on every other website you visit! How stupid are we?!

Welke: I just bought a pair of shoes on the internet! How dare you mock our greatest consumer oriented achievement?!

Girardi: I'm protesting this game!

Welke: You can't protest this game because Google is awesome and your haircut is stupid.

Girardi: I'm protesting this game, and your face!

Welke: That's it, you're out of here!

Girardi: I like Dove Men+Care products. Ha! I just made your annual salary in two seconds. Enjoy your Motel 6 room tonight. Peace!

The More the Merrier

Three more home runs in the past two games, one each from Granderson, Teixeira, and Chavez. Nice!

Raul Ibanez 15hr = $30
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 8hr = $16
Curtis Granderson 30hr = $60
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 24hr = $48
Mark Teixeira 21hr = $42
Eric Chavez 12hr = $24
Russell Martin 12hr = $24
Jayson Nix 4hr = $8
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6
Chris Stewart 1hr = $2
Ichiro Suzuki 1 hr = $2

Total 172hr = $344

Yanks Drop Two to Tigers

The Good

With Pettitte's September return quickly approaching, the race to the bottom between Ivan Nova, Phil Hughes, and Freddy Garcia is in full-swing. This gives the games an all important element of drama.

The Bad

The Yanks are not playing well right now. In fact, they're bad. Yeah, they took a series from Seattle, but who doesn't? The only reason Seattle's record is so bad is because they don't get to play Seattle. Between the inconsistent young pitchers and the inconsistent old hitters, there has to be some pause about this team as the postseason approaches.

The Ugly

Phil Hughes swears he was ready to pitch last night, and through three innings that appeared to be the case. But then, something changed.

"I went into the clubhouse after the third inning and the TV was on. I saw this campaign ad and was like, 'oh $#!%'. Did you know President Obama ended the work requirement for welfare? I mean, doesn't the President know that the reason people are poor and need welfare is because they're lazy and refuse to work?! It's like, the job creators create jobs but people just go on welfare instead! I couldn't concentrate after that."

Girardi announced after the game that political ads would no longer be allowed in the clubhouse during games.

These Losses Are Still Costing Us

Eric Chavez homered last night, making sure the kids didn't go home empty handed. Sure, the kids would have preferred a win, but they get $2 instead.

Raul Ibanez 15hr = $30
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 8hr = $16
Curtis Granderson 29hr = $58
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 24hr = $48
Mark Teixeira 20hr = $40
Eric Chavez 11hr = $22
Russell Martin 12hr = $24
Jayson Nix 4hr = $8
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6
Chris Stewart 1hr = $2
Ichiro Suzuki 1 hr = $2

Total 169hr = $338

Yanks Take Weekend Series from Seattle

The Good

The Yanks took the weekend series from cross-country foe Seattle, finally getting some payback for being knocked out of the playoffs by them in 1995. It was a long time coming, and while most of the roster hadn't been born in 1995, historical memories die hard around this team.

The Bad

The middle game against King Felix Hernandez was frustrating. The Yankees were completely dominated by Hernandez, only to find out after the game that his patents of nobility had been forged and that he wasn't actually royalty. Immigration officials are said to be investigating and the U.N. has revoked King Felix's diplomatic status. More on this as it develops.

The Ugly

After the Yankees took the series, and revenge, team spokesman Curtis Granderson spoke to members of the media about his new favorite movie.

"Have any of you seen that movie with the picaninny surrounded by wild animals who says black things like 'I'm da man'? $#%& you white America."

More Home Runs than You Can Shake a Stick At

Or not. Only two home runs in this series, one each from Ibanez and Chavez, Eric not Hugo.

Raul Ibanez 15hr = $30
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 8hr = $16
Curtis Granderson 29hr = $58
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 24hr = $48
Mark Teixeira 20hr = $40
Eric Chavez 10hr = $20
Russell Martin 12hr = $24
Jayson Nix 4hr = $8
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6
Chris Stewart 1hr = $2
Ichiro Suzuki 1 hr = $2

Total 168hr = $336

Yanks Drop Another Series to a Division Rival

The Good

The Yankees crushed the Os on Sunday, making us wonder where that offense was the first two games. Our ability to imagine is what separates us from the animals, so we were all reminded of our shared human dignity.

The Bad

The Yankees dropped another series. Also, after scoring five runs in the first against Chris Tillman on Saturday, Tillman turned into Nolan Ryan, circa whenever Nolan Ryan was dominating with an inside fastball. No one knows how the transformation occurred, but it did.

The Ugly

The Yankees have lost 9 of their last 12 and have lost two series in a row to a division rival. Then, today, long time New York resident Kofi Annan announced that he is resigning as U.N. Special Envoy to Syria. Some, including Annan, claim that his resignation follows the utter inaction on the part of the global community to address the violence of the Assad regime, but we at RJG know that he is simply fed up with the Yankees' utter reliance on home runs and current losing tendencies, and has resigned in protest. Thanks a lot Yankees, you just destroyed Syria.

We Still Hit Some Home Runs

Two home runs from Cano and 1 from Granderson over the last couple games. $6 more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 14hr = $28
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 8hr = $16
Curtis Granderson 29hr = $58
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 24hr = $48
Mark Teixeira 20hr = $40
Eric Chavez 9hr = $18
Russell Martin 12hr = $24
Jayson Nix 4hr = $8
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6
Chris Stewart 1hr = $2
Ichiro Suzuki 1 hr = $2

Total 166hr = $332

Yanks Drop First Game to Os, Tied to Various Trade Possibilities

The Good

The Yankees continue to lose, because whenever the Yankees do anything, they make a tradition out of it. A proud one. Filled with home runs (three in this game).

The Bad

The Yankees lost another game to a division rival. The Yanks like winning pennant races, but they can only do that if they're in one, so they must create the necessary conditions.

Once the conditions are created, Cashman can make that one big splash before the deadline that guarantees the Yankees prevail in the pennant race. Cliff Lee? Ty Wiggington? Albert Pujols? Anything's possible . . . if the Yanks are in a pennant race, that is.

The Ugly

Randy Levine recently gave an interview in which he was asked why the Yankees have won so many World Series in the last 20 years, while the Kansas City Royals have won so few.

"I read some books, and I genuinely believe that the reason we have been so successful, and the Royals not, is because of culture. Our culture allows us to win, to make the right moves, and develop our talent."

These statements have caused considerable controversy, particularly because they seem deaf to the fact that the Yankees have had a significant spending advantage over the Royals. It is yet to be determined whether this controversy will derail the Yankees' season, or be forgotten come the fall.

Donations Will Continue

The Yankees continue to help the kids, hitting three more home runs last night (One each from Ibanez, Chavez, and Ichiro), yielding another $6.

Raul Ibanez 14hr = $28
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 8hr = $16
Curtis Granderson 28hr = $56
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 22hr = $44
Mark Teixeira 20hr = $40
Eric Chavez 9hr = $18
Russell Martin 12hr = $24
Jayson Nix 4hr = $8
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6
Chris Stewart 1hr = $2
Ichiro Suzuki 1 hr = $2

Total 163hr = $326

Yankees Drop Series to Last Place Red Sox

The Good

The children won't go home empty handed, as we did hit some home runs this series. Kuroda pitched well.

The Bad

Sabathia keeps showing up drunk for his starts. Look, I know he's a big guy and can put them away, but it's starting to affect his on-field performance. Someone has to step in and confront him. A team intervention may be the only way to save his season from being completely mired in inconsistency.

The Ugly

After the rubber match, Curtis Granderson refused to talk about the game; he had other things on his mind.

"Look," exclaimed Granderson, "we're all upset about the loss, but that's not important right now. What is important is that HBO is about to air a documentary on supermodels and how they've aged. I'd just like to say that I've aged quite well, thank you! Stop obsessing over my looks HBO, it just demonstrates your commitment to misogyny!"

Told that the entire press corp was looking forward to the documentary, Granderson paused for a moment.

"Well of course you're looking forward to it. I mean, it's about supermodels aging, who doesn't want to see that?"

Indeed.

I Should've Paid More Attention in Math

Remember when you were in high school, sitting in math class, and complaining that you'd never have to use this nonsense in real life, then you started a blog that requires frequent basic addition, and you struggle with it everyday? Yeah.

Martin had another home run in the last two games of the series, while Stewart, Nix, and Teixeira each had one. That's another $14 for the kids, and the taxpayers when the Fed decides to bail us out.

Raul Ibanez 13hr = $26
Nick Swisher 14hr = $28
Andruw Jones 12hr = $24
Derek Jeter 8hr = $16
Curtis Granderson 28hr = $56
Alex Rodriguez 15hr = $30
Robinson Cano 22hr = $44
Mark Teixeira 20hr = $40
Eric Chavez 8hr = $16
Russell Martin 12hr = $24
Jayson Nix 4hr = $8
Dewayne Wise 3hr = $6
Chris Stewart 1hr = $2

Total 160hr = $320

Ichiro in, A-Rod out

The Yankees traded for Ichiro Suzuki and lost A-Rod to a broken hand within a short period of time.  Many have asked, what is RJG's take on these happenings?  Why isn't there more coverage?  Why did you disappear for a week?  Well here is the official RJG release.

On A-Rod:

Alex Rodriguez is an integral part of the team and has been a very productive hitter for us.  Or so we would have said 3 years ago.  Though we never wish to lose a player to injury and hope for a speedy recovery from A-Rod, we do not fear the negative impact his absence will have on the team.  Its not that A-Rod isn't good, its that he's not the same player he used to be.  And now, there are 4 players on the roster with more RBI's than him, and one person tied with him despite having 100 fewer at bats (Ibanez). The only players with fewer runs batted in are our lead off guy (Jeter), our catcher (Martin), and the assortment of bench players we now have playing active roles (Andruw Jones, and Eric Chavez).  All in all, I think we will survive the absence of A-Rod, but hope he returns ready to hit some balls out of the park.

On Ichiro:

We are excited to add such an iconic player as Ichiro Suzuki, and although we realize that his addition adds little in offense, and really seems more like Cashman is building a dream team from mid 2000's, we are excited to see him in pinstripes.  He may not be the same hitter he used to be, but his speed and defense will still be an asset, and we hope he will provide some spark at the bottom of our lineup.  Now that being said, lets revisit this idea of Cashman building a dream team from the mid-2000's.  Check out these stats:

Raul Ibanez 2006: .289 batting average, 33 homeruns, 123 RBI's.

Eric Chavez 2005: .269 batting average, 27 homeruns, 101 RBI's.

Andruw Jones 2005: .263 batting average, 51 homeruns, 128 RBI's.

Ichiro Suzuki 2004: .372 batting average, 262 hits, 36 stolen bases.