Cashman Discusses Upcoming Season

It had been a long while since our last call to good friend of the blog and psychoanalyst Brian Cashman, but it was time once again to fire up the old satellite video phone and call our favorite GM. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

BC: Hello?

RJG: Hello Bronny Bron-Bron. How's it been going?

BC: Oh, I'd say pretty well.

RJG: Good. So how are you feeling about the team now that opening day is just around the corner?

BC: I don't want to talk about that right now. There are other, more pressing, issues to be discussed?

RJG: Issues more pressing than the state of the team? For the GM?

BC: Yeah.

RJG: Ok, shoot.

BC: Did you ever notice that Morpheus, from The Matrix, is clearly modeled on Rufus from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?

RJG: What?

BC: Keanu Reeves starred in both film franchises. Coincidence?

RJG: Seriously, Bronny, how's the team shaping up?

BC: That's not important right now, think about it. Rufus and Morpheus have the exact same jacket.

RJG: Did you dip your ninja costume in LSD and then eat it? What the hell are you talking about?! I just want to talk about the Ya. . .

BC: Yeah, yeah, the Yankees. We retooled great. Like our chances if we stay healthy. Marathon not sprint. Blah, blah, blah. Rufus and Morpheus. This is important stuff!

RJG: How is this important?

BC: I'm reorganizing my DVD collection according to common motifs.

RJG: It's not all about you, Bronny.

[Click]

There you have it folks, the Yankees feel good about their chances if they stay healthy.

Ace Out of Line

It looks like Joba wasn't the only one who handled losing the fifth starter position poorly, you can now add Alfredo Aceves to the list.

The LoHud Blog is reporting that not only does Ace have a sore back, but that he's been "out of line," according to Girardi.

"Ace hasn't been himself lately," explained Girardi. "Like just yesterday he came into my office and goes, 'Hey Joey, my back hurts. And oh yeah, your haircut is stupid.' When I protested he's all, 'I'm sorry, I was out of line.' Then, as I try to say that I accept his apology, he adds, 'Just like your face!' It was all very inappropriate."

Apparently Ace has been a little moody since losing the fifth starter spot. The Yankees are hoping a few days off will address his issues, but it's become so bad that there's no guarantee.

"He told me my mom was ugly," said one clubby. "When I told him my mother abandoned me and that I was an orphan, he goes, 'Yeah, just like your face!' I wept openly in the clubhouse. I was so embarrassed. Then he points at me and in a loud voice, yells, 'Hey Joey, he's crying, maybe you should make HIM the fifth starter! Oh yeah, and my back hurts from bending over backwards for you. I need time off.' It didn't go over well."

Andy Pettitte's Rain Dance Continues to Haunt Him

Andy Pettitte's spring has been frustrated by several rain outs which has limited his work to simulated games pitched against the maintenance staff of Steinbrenner field. Although Andy appreciates the maintainers helping out in this way, there are some concerns that it does not replicate real at bats against Major League ball players.

"I mean don't get me wrong, the first time through the order, I sit them all down. But the second time through I have to work a little. They start picking up the spin of the ball, and crack a couple line drives. I have to switch it up."

But the Yankees are still concerned about the frequency of Andy's rain outs.

"What if this keeps happening in the season?" Wondered one Yankees exec. "How will we make up 30 plus rain games? If he was a releiver, I bet we'd flood the earth."

But that concern is not enough to thwart Andy Pettitte.

"I've been working on my rain dance for years now, and I finally got it to work. When I go to the clubs and I see these idiots shouting 'Make it rain!' as they throw money into the air, I say 'Oh, I'll make it rain.' Then I go outside, do my dance, and open up the full storm clouds from the heavens. You see people scattering to their cars, and everyone knows that I won."

Ladies and gentlemen, we are but 6 days away from the first meaningful game of baseball. Its been a long spring training, but together we have persevered through it. 6 more days and it will all be worth it!

New Yankees Controversy

This spring has largely been a quiet one in Yankees land, but we may have just manufactured a controversy so great it will completely undo Major League Baseball. The Yankees, it appears, spent last Spring organizing underground street fights between killer whales and dolphins at Sea World. They then used the profits, profits that due to their illegal nature did not have to be reported to MLB or the IRS, to purchase a championship. The championship was bought at a local championship store in Tampa which guarantees the authenticity of all the championships that it sells. The Yankees have been stockpiling championships for decades. Federal investigators are currently launching an inquiry into the Yankees' activities, but it may be difficult to pin anything on them.

Hoping to Avoid Media Circus, A-Rod Reschedules Meeting with Feds

It was widely reported that A-Rod was to meet Federal investigators in Buffalo yesterday to discuss his relationship with the evil Dr. Tony Galea. That meeting, however, was postponed by mutual consent according to the Daily News, in order to "avoid a media circus."

"It's really disappointing," said one AP reporter. "We work really hard putting on this circus and people always try to avoid it. I mean, any journalism major can juggle three balls, or even bowling pins in the air. But I juggle sticks that are on fire. Do you know how much work I put into that just to have these guys not show up? That's bull$#!%."

Indeed, many members of the press spend countless hours preparing and rehearsing their media circus, only to be insulted by celebrities and persons of interest who refuse to show up.

"What the f*** am I supposed to do with this tiger I bought?" yelled one photographer working with Reuters. "I spent months training it. You can't just return a trained tiger to the wild, the other tigers will make fun of him. It will be like Madagascar 2 where Ben Stiller gets disowned by the Lion King. It's not right for these guys not to show up after we've put so much work into this thing."

"I've spent the last two years growing this beard," explained one female reporter. "Rogaine, weekly hormone treatments with Manny Ramirez. For what? For nothing, that's what. Just so A-Rod can screw me over. I'm definitely writing another book about how awful he is after I break into his house again while his daughter sleeps upstairs."

While this recent turn of events may sour A-Rod's rebuilt relationship with the press, A-Rod is focused purely on baseball.

"It was important for me to be here," said A-Rod. "To play the Phillies again in Spring Training, get a couple at-bats and then drive home before the game is in the sixth inning. This is what it's all about."

Joba Interview

Once Joba sobered up we tried to get some face time with him in order to get more reaction regarding his recent demotion to middle relief (unless you think he should be there, in which case it wouldn't be a demotion). Joba, however, was a bit elusive, masking much of what he felt. At least that was my impression. Read the transcript below and judge for yourself:

RJG: So, Joba, sucks to be you right about now, huh?

Joba: Not more than it sucks to be your face. Zing!

RJG: Oh, you got me. So, really, how do you feel about losing out in the fifth starter competition?

Joba: I'm just happy to do whatever I can to help the team.

RJG: Yeah, but it must sting to have gone through all the 'Joba Rules' craziness only to end up back in the 'pen.

Joba: [singing] Informer, abadabadabadabada blam! A licky boom boom down!

RJG: What?

Joba: I know you are but what am I?

RJG: Did you just sing 'Informer,' by Snow? Are you even old enough to remember that song?

Joba: To be totally forthcoming, all I wanna do is zoomazoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.

RJG: 'Rump Shaker'?

Joba: Are you hitting on me?

RJG: No, the song 'Rump Shaker.' Why are you singing 'Rump Shaker'?

Joba: I don't know what you're talking about.

RJG: So losing the fifth starter spot, any thoughts? Anything besides lines from the 90s Greatest Hits collection?

Joba: Why don't you get out of my face before I run over your cat with my tricycle!

RJG: You have a tricycle?

Joba: [Talking like a 60s robot] I am a Robot. Directive does not compute. Must terminate processes.

RJG: I'm just going to go now . . .

Joba: Error. Error. Error . . .


So there you have it folks, seems like it may take a little bit of time for Joba to come to grips with this.

Where's Joba?

Conspicuously absent from all the Hughes as fifth starter coverage is any reaction from Joba. According to Girardi, Joba's reaction to being told he would pitch out of the 'pen was to say he'd be happy to do anything to help the team. RJG, however, not content to leave this lacuna in coverage to stand, has done the extra investigative work that the liberal corporate-controlled right-wing media refuses to do. You, our readers, deserve nothing less.

Joba was told the news last night. He immediately started weeping, and ran out of Girardi's office, yelling, "Dream murderers!" He then disappeared for several hours, at which point Granderson realized his locker costume was missing. Considering Hughes had been using that locker, the Yankees thought it best to take precaution in case Joba turned his rage on Hughes, their new fifth starter. All lockers in the Yankees clubhouse were removed, and all player items are now to be kept in clear plastic bags. Then Joba reappeared holding a bottle of whiskey. Security was summoned to escort him from the premises but Joba grew unruly. "Get your hands off me!" Joba yelled. "I can show myself out! I have rights!" Joba then smashed out Girardi's windows in the parking lot and passed out in the public restroom of Steinbrenner Stadium. At that point Hughes walked into the Yankees clubhouse, yelling, "Look, I'm my own locker!" The Yankees plan to use Chamberlain as Mariano's eighth inning set-up man.

Hughes Picked as 5th Starter

In a shocking turn of events foreseen by no one, not even us, Phil Hughes has been picked as the 5th starter. Its a great turn of events for the young hurler who out dueled, all the other pitchers in camp including Joba Chamberlain, Sergio Mitre, Nick Swisher, and Alfredo Aceves.

Okay, I'll drop the sarcasm, this wasn't exactly a surprise. Sherman's been pretty sure of it for a while, and even we saw the writing on the wall. But its good that this is settled. Opening day could not come any sooner!

Girardi Picks Fifth Starter

Apparently, Girardi already knows who the fifth starter will be but won't tell anyone. The pitchers don't know, the coaches don't know, his family doesn't know. Girardi plans to hold a press event, not conference, in the big tent today. He has spent much of the last two days picking out theme music and appropriate attire. Girardi will play 'game-show host' at the event, unveiling the fifth starter over a slow, drawn out process with numerous commercial breaks. Pretty much everyone in the media thinks it's Hughes. Sherman even wrote a column for today's paper that discusses how Hughes's innings limit will be distributed during the season, so confident that Hughes will indeed be the pick. Personally, I'm going with dark horse Randy Winn to get the five spot. He's already guaranteed a roster spot, so you might as well have him pitch every fifth meaningless game and have the strongest bullpen ever invented by man or beast.

Curtis Blends into Clubhouse

According the NY Daily News, Curtis Granderson is blending in with the Bombers:



While on the surface, this would seem to be great news for the Yankees, considering how intense the pressure can be in New York, what with gravity working differently there and all, but many in the Yankees brass are less than pleased with Granderson's ability to blend in.

"It's really tough," explained Jason Zillo, Yankees PR Director. "One time, he told a beat reporter that the reporter was ugly, and his kids too, and told him to quote him on that. When I went to go talk to him about it, he was nowhere to be found. I could hear his voice, taunting me, but I couldn't find him. Next thing I know he was right next to me. I was like, 'WTF have you been?' He's all, 'I've been standing next to you the whole time!' He can really blend into his environment. It's frustrating."

Zillo is not the only New York executive who has been frustrated by Granderson's ability to blend in.

"One time I was looking for Granderson in the clubhouse," said Brian Cashman, Yankees GM. "He was not in there. I asked everyone. Checked the weight room. Nowhere. Then, suddenly, he stood up in the middle of the clubhouse. He was in this suit shaped like a locker. I was like, 'Hasn't that locker been there all Spring?" And he's all, 'Yep.' Hughes is all, 'WTF? Why is my $#!% all over the floor?' We were all stunned. He'd literally snuck in a locker costume before Spring Training and had been sitting in the clubhouse everyday, pretending to be a locker. That locker was being used! It was very frustrating."

Granderson's ability to blend in is something straight out of Get Smart. Despite the frustration it often causes, Granderson does not plan to change who he is. "I've always been sick at hiding. Playing in New York isn't going to change that."