With a gaping hole in left field, it was time to call Yankees GM Brian Cashman and discuss potential left field targets, the Yankees budget, and the true spirit of Christmas. The following is a transcript of our conversation:
RJG: [Singing] I'm dreaming . . . of a white . . . Christmaaaaaaaaaas.
BC: I gotta start changing my number more regularly.
RJG: [still singing] Who's playing left, I want to know!
BC: We're considering a number of options for left. We know it's an area of need.
RJG: Ooh, I don't like the sound of that.
BC: That we're aware it's an area of need?
RJG: No, that you're considering a number of options. You really should only be thinking about signing me.
BC: We can't sign you.
RJG: Why not?
BC: Because you're not a ball player. You have no major league experience. No minor league experience. And the "highlight video" your "agent" sent over is just a bunch of clips of you drinking beer, playing wiffle ball, and trash talking your friends. What makes you think I could plausibly sign you to play left field for the Yankees?
RJG: I'll have my agent call you again.
BC: No! Do not have him ca . . .
RJG: Just sent him a text. You'll hear from him soon enough. But since you're considering other options, who are they? Do I know them?
BC: I'm not telling you.
RJG: Just give me their addresses.
RJG: But it's Christmas! And on Christmas, you're supposed to give people whatever they want!
BC: I thought Christmas was supposed to be about family and goodwill towards men.
RJG: You're way off. It's about gifts, and television specials. Family and goodwill. You crack me up Bronny.
BC: I guess you're right.
RJG: Damn right I'm right. So left. Think about it, I'd be perfect. I mean, everything I say to you comes out of left.
BC: Yeah, I won't disagree with that, but that doesn't qualify you to play left.
RJG: I'm pretty sure that qualifies me. Did you receive the depth chart my agent sent over?
BC: What, the list of random names titled 'Left Field Options?' You're listed third behind Mickey Mantle and President Barack Obama. The remaining names are a random collection of superhero aliases and Simpsons characters. Somehow you've determined that Rev. Lovejoy's batting average is higher than Peter Parker's. What makes you think we would take this seriously? You listed Melky Cabrera last and included a scouting report stating that his playing in Atlanta will make him ineffective as the left fielder in New York due to distance, and lack of a jet pack.
RJG: So you agree that I'm a better option than Melky.
There you go, folks. The Bronstersaurus is aware that the Yanks need a left fielder and is considering a number of options.