Saturday, January 19, 2013

RJG Responds to the Lance Armstrong Scandal

It's been a long time since I wrote. There have been tempting moments, like when the Yankees made numerous obvious and uninteresting "moves", or when the NRA suggested our kid would be better off if only our schools were staffed with the Expendables, but this one I couldn't pass up.

Lance Armstrong has admitted to doping, and not the cool kind that homeless people do, but the bad kind that athletes do. But is it really so bad? Basically, Armstrong took a number of substances and underwent a number of medical procedures that gave him superhuman abilities. So basically, we're mad at Lance Armstrong for doing what every comic book ever assured him was possible, to gain super powers with minimum effort and/or a few fortunate accidents.

Can we really blame Armstrong for wanting super strength? Go back to when you were 10, did you want super strength? Now fast forward back to now, do you have super strength? Alright, so don't be jealous just because Armstrong got super strength and used it to beat a bunch of Europeans in a bike race on their own turf.

"But he lied about it." I know. But when Peter Parker gets super powers and puts on a spider suit we don't call him a liar, do we? When Clark Kent takes off his glasses, completely reconfiguring his appearance and sexual desirability, we don't accuse him of mendacity. We say, "Thank you, Superman. Thank you for keeping the world safe for democracy."

We cannot say with certainty what role Lance Armstrong's doping played in the continued preservation of democratic institutions, but with the exception of the House of Representatives they're still all there. So thank you, Lance Armstrong. Thank you for keeping the world, save the House of Representatives, safe for Democracy.


Rich Mahogany said...

Before Lance, the Tour de France was a bunch of guys biking up and down hills in wine country. Now it's the greatest sporting event in human history. And if Lance had to fill his veins with horse testosterone and destroy the lives of anyone who would dare oppose him, so be it. His name is Lance Armstrong and a person with that name has to be a hero. Lance Armstrong is a hero.

Anonymous said...

I got nothing, except that he is an idiot and a bully which make him an easy target to make fun of. Thanks for your contribution!

Fernando Alejandro said...

It's true, some people have names that are too perfect. Like Mack Strong the football player. He was either going to be a football player or the inventor of the first big rig to break the sound barrier. Conversely, Balfour is an awful name for a relief pitcher. He's already defeated before he even throws his warmups.