With the Super Bowl only days away, it was time to kick some knowledge to our readers, whom I assume only care about baseball, as to what this annual event is all about.
The first and most important thing to know is, come Monday, it will not matter if you know who won the game, but it will matter if you don't know what happened in the Doritos commercial. Or the Go-Daddy commerical. Or any commercial. Under no circumstances may you miss the commercials. If you get food poisoning and are violently vomiting in the bathroom, make your way to the TV during any and all commercial breaks. You can go back to throwing up during the game.
Second, the game is being played in New York. If you're not sure what channel it's on, the best thing to do is flip around and look for something that is eerily familiar to that scene in Dr. Zhivago where they show the soldiers who had frozen to death in the field during the Bolshevik revolution. Expect to get home late due to all the game stoppages to remove hypothermic corpses from the field and sidelines.
Third, while both teams are good, this is not a particularly compelling Super Bowl match-up. The closest thing to a bad guy is Richard Sherman, but since the 49ers are no where to be seen in this game, there's no interesting plot line there. Sherman simply reverts to being a great corner (one of the million positions on the football field, don't worry about it, but do say things like 'Sherman is a great corner', which makes you sound knowledgeable).
So there you have it, your very own guide to the Super Bowl. You are now ready to successfully navigate this American cultural institution. Oh, and don't be that guy who brings celery or carrot sticks to the party. Just don't.