Friday, May 8, 2009

A-Rod Under-performs Amidst Controversy

The Good

Sabathia and his new personal catcher, Francisco Cervelli, worked the Os for a complete game shut out. A-Rod put the first pitch he saw in the seats, a 3 run home run.

The Bad

A-Rod's .250 batting average is the worst on the team. Even worse than Teixeira's .192, since he's A-Rod. He failed to put the ball in play in three of his at-bats. He is clearly the worst third baseman in the league. Throughout the game, A-Rod thought about his glory days spent taking steroids in high school.

This edition of 'The Bad' has been brought to you by "A-Rod: The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez," by Selena Roberts.

The Ugly

At a press conference before the game, A-Rod refused to answer questions about the most recent controversy surrounding him. When A-Rod hurt his hip, RJG sent our top reporter to the Dominican Republic to find out what was up. Selena unearthed Alex's birth certificate, showing he was born in 1935. A 74 year old A-Rod certainly explains the broken hip. When Alex was asked about his age, he was promptly whisked away for a nap by Yankees Director of Media Relations, Jason Zillo.

Home Runs = $$$

A-Rod had only one home run today because he is apparently not interested in aiding our charitable efforts. Johnny Damon's Home Run Club saves babies and then gives them puppies to play with, but A-Rod only pretends to care about babies when Madonna is explaining her adoption attempts to him.

Jorge Posada 4hr = $4.00
Hideki Matsui 3hr = $3.00
Derek Jeter 4hr = $4.00
Mark Teixeira 5hr = $5.00
Nick Swisher 7hr = $7.00
Robinson Cano 5hr = $5.00
Johnny Damon 7hr = $7.00
Melky Cabrera 4hr = $4.00
Jose Molina 1hr = $1.00
Alex Rodriguez 1hr = $1.00
Total = $41.00

If you are interested in Johnny Damon's Homerun Club or the Children's Health Fund you can find links to both at the top right hand corner of our page.


Anonymous said...

That bastard!

Finally felt like a Yankees game!


TribeGirl said...


Raven King said...

I know both Cotton Candy and Alex were great, but this was the game to watch!
Justin Verlander: 2 hits, 0 ER & 11 Ks in 9 innings.

anonymous number two said...

I wish Yanks never resigned him.

Roberto Alejandro said...

Wrong Raven, if you watched the Yankees game, then you heard Kenny Singleton point out that Melky was "hitting like a house on fire." WTF does that mean? That alone made the Yanks-Os game the event of the evening.

Anonymous said...

Roberto, it obviously means that if the ball is slow enough and straight enough to look as big and bright as a burning house moving down the street at him, Melky can hit it.
When the pithcers all get over their "dead arm" periods, the real Melky will be back.


TribeGirl said...

Damn Raven, why you gotta point out that heartbreaker??? Definitely a pitchers dual last night in Cleveland!
Grady almost had a homerun... :-(

Ruthie said...

i'll admit raven, grandersons catch was pretty show stealing....but that a-rod homer had me screaming "YOU GOTTA BE SHITTIN' ME RIGHT?" over and over.. and then CC getting into his grove and striking them out slowly built up the coaster of emotion that a yankee game use to always give me.... faith renewaled wins this time =)

Raven King said...

And sadly, the Yankees' precious one game winning streak is now officially over.

Raven King said...

BTW, the adorable Phillie Phanatic strikes again!