Hank to Run for Commissioner

It appears that Hank Steinbrenner, the co-heir of the Yankee throne, has made aggressive plans to pursue the position of Baseball Commissioner. Steinbrenner feels that incumbent commissioner, Bud Selig, has mishandled America's pastime over the years, and now is the time for change. In this exclusive "Respect Jeter's Gangster" interview, Hank Steinbrenner invited us to his office at Yankee stadium to answer some questions about his newest pursuit. Here is a transcript of the interview:

RJG: Thank you for taking the time to meet with us.

HS: The pleasure's all mine.

RJG: So to jump right in here, why do you want to run for Commissioner of Baseball?

HS: The basic reason is that baseball is mishandled. I had to sit here and watch my ace break his foot because he was running bases like our ancestor's used to. There's a time you need to modernize, and the National league refuses to do so. Then there's the issue of teams going to the playoffs in weak divisions. Torre's Dodgers shouldn't go to the playoffs, think about how many teams are better than his.

RJG: You claim that the National league refuses to modernize, but a recent report has you wanting to bring back dinosaurs to fill your roster next season. What's the reason for this discrepancy?

HS: When I use the word "modernize" I mean rules. Dinosaurs had no rules and that's what made them so great. The National League has too many rules: No DH, pitchers need to hit, I can't get drunk in the owners luxury box, there's too many rules that need to go. All three of the rules I just mentioned were in place during prohibition. Shouldn't that tell you something?

RJG: I see. Many of your detractors will argue that you have an awful lot to say about the National League, but you don't have any experience dealing with the National League. How will you defend this?

HS: Well you know, I can see Shea stadium from here.

RJG: Can you? I'm not really sure you can.

HS: I don't really know, but the point is the National League is just a few miles across that river, see, right over there.

RJG: That's Washington Heights.

HS: Where the Dodgers used to be.

RJG: You're thinking of the Giants.

HS: I don't have time for double speak, the point is, my organization is under the watchful eyes of Omar Minaya and the Mets. That's plenty right there. Then if you look at our border, we have the Red Sox sitting on the other side.

RJG: The Red Sox aren't in the National League.

HS: Mother(Expletive Deleted)!

RJG: Let's move on. You have mentioned rules that you would want to take away, but what are some things you would want to add?

HS: I'd probably take away revenue sharing. Let teams stand on their own two feet.

RJG: Hold on a moment, the question was what you would add to baseball.

HS: I got four words for you: Opt outs for owners.

RJG: Pardon me?

HS: An opt out clause for owners. Players make too much money, and then get injured. I think there needs to be an opt out clause for owners where if a player is injured, the team can opt them to a baseball-version of Siberia. The baseball version of Siberia would obviously have to be in Siberia. When players get out of line, wanting more money, underperforming, not making the playoffs, and getting injured, they can go play in sub-zero temperature for a bottle of Vodka a day.

RJG: Do you think the Player's Union will approve this proposal?

HS: Its a little difficult for the Player's Union to disagree with me if there is no Player's Union [wink]. But that takes me to another thing I'd take away.

RJG: Fascinating. Well, those are all the questions I have for you Mr. Steinbrenner.

HS: Call me Commissioner. You might as well get used to it now.


The "Respect Jeter's Gangster" blog would like to thank Hank for taking the time to speak with us about his future plans.