It was reported that early in Spring Training, A-Rod mesmerized the clubhouse with an emotional speech about the upcoming season. RJG has acquired a transcript of this special, behind closed doors, monologue and now presents it to you, our loyal reader:
AR: Good morning, gentleman. I'm here to talk to you all about a very important topic. Ninja attacks can happen at any moment of any day. One-hundred percent of ninja attacks are unavoidable, but there are precautions you can take. One, don't make ninja enemies. It might seem like a good idea when you're in Vegas, but it comes back to haunt you. Also, when you go to the beach, don't get eaten by a shark. That's not ninja specific but still worth keeping in mind. Don't get eaten by a shark.
Galvanized minor leaguer: Amen, brother!
AR: We're not related. Odd. To continue, this year we're playing for the same goal we always play for, to maximize shareholder value. Remember that every time you lose, it hurts the brand. When you hurt the brand you hurt the investors, and we don't know how many of those investors are ninjas. They could all be ninjas. When you meet someone with a stake in the Yankees, assume they are ninjas. I have a question. Why is this guy talking about ninjas? That's an excellent question, Alex. Why are there so many flavors of Schnapps? It's confusing. Also, ninjas don't like Schnapps. I don't like Schnapps. Does that make me a ninja? Another excellent question, Alex. You are on a roll.
Galvanized major leaguer: You are on a roll!
AR: I'm not a sandwich. Again, let's try to keep these comments helpful guys. 'Constructive' is the word of the day. Back to the topic at hand. Thank you.
There you have it folks. Having been psyched up by such a stunning display of word smithery, the Yankees, it can only be assumed, are headed for a championship this year.