Like Taking Candy From A Baby

The Good

Ivan Nova was magical.  He pitched 7.1 innings allowing just 1 run.  At one point I'm pretty sure he turned into a unicorn.  Teixeira hit a homerun, almost in defiance of his .248 batting average.

The Bad

Despite Nova's magical performance, we still lost the game.  We can't afford to lose games we hit homeruns in.  Homeruns are supposed to be our recipe for success, especially when you get 7 plus innings of 1 run ball out of your starter.

The Ugly

After not paying attention to baseball news over the past few weeks, I was surprised to see Kevin Youkilis in Chicago.  I knew he was traded, but why to the team that we're playing now?  I hate looking at that guy!

A Homer A Day Keeps the Doctor Away

And that's exactly what we got yesterday, one homerun from Marky T adding $2 to the growing RJG deficit. 

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 12hr = $24
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 13hr = $26
Robinson Cano 18hr = $36
Mark Teixeira 13hr = $26
Eric Chavez 5hr = $10
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
Dewayne Wise 1hr = $2
 
Total 118hr = $236

Costly Day for Yanks Results in Victory

The Good

Despite heavy losses, the Yankees managed to score another victory in the fight against racism when they defeated the Indians and pulled off a series sweep. You might be thinking, "What? Chief Wahoo...

(Source)

...How is that racist?"

(Source)

"Oh."

Yeah.

The Bad

Prior to the game, CC Sabathia went on the DL with a groin injury. After the game, Pettitte was on the DL for at least six weeks. We now have to replace two of our best starting pitchers. Sabathia we can replace with a call-up if he's only out for the two games they are expecting. Pettitte on the other hand? He just got Jeff Karstensed. There may be no hope.

The Ugly

Man, doing those image searches is not good for the soul. We live in a #$%&@ up world. I'd like baseball to be a refuge from all that, but then you play the Indians. Isn't being reminded of Cleveland bad enough? Why, MLB? Why? I mean, I know you're America's pastime and all, but could you not work so hard to remind me of America's actual pastime? Thanks.

The European Central Bank Better Bail Us Out

What a surprise, more home runs and money to donate. Cano continues his mean-spirited attempt to destroy RJG. Way to be, Cano. Way to be. $2 more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 12hr = $24
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 13hr = $26
Robinson Cano 18hr = $36
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
Eric Chavez 5hr = $10
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
Dewayne Wise 1hr = $2

Total 117hr = $234

Despite RJG Outage, Yanks Continue to Win

The Good

The Yankees won the last two games, with strong hitting and pitching performances in both. Kuroda went seven, allowing one. Hughes went eight, allowing none. Wise, Cano, Swisher, and Rodriguez all went deep. Also, no one from RJG was harmed in the attack.

The Bad

Cory Wade gave up four runs in the ninth, allowing the Tribe (racist) to get within two. The attack left RJG temporarily unable to fulfill its blogging duties.

The Ugly

An uninstigated ninja attack on the RJG offices became an unmitigated disaster . . . for the ninjas. The attack began with a sabotage of our power supply. Darkness enveloped us. Our computers, relying only on battery power, could not spare us with their now dimly lit power-saving screens.

Unbeknownst to our attackers, however, this is par for the course at RJG. We only pay the electric bill about every fourth month, and that usually by accident. We were quite comfortable in the darkness.

The ninja assassins were overconfident in their numbers. We found this odd since there was only one of them. Kind of a little guy. Out of shape. Come to think of it, I'm not sure that was really a ninja. Who did we pummel yesterday?

I'm Starting to Lose Count

Four more home runs in the past two days. They better do this in the playoffs with all the money we're going to have to donate in the regular season.

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 12hr = $24
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 13hr = $26
Robinson Cano 17hr = $34
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
Eric Chavez 5hr = $10
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
Dewayne Wise 1hr = $2

Total 116hr = $232

Yanks Take Rubber Match from Mets

The Good

The Yankees scored six runs, four on home runs by Swisher and Cano. Our bullpen is still really good.

The Bad

Sabathia was hardly great, giving up five runs (though only one was earned). Cano had an error in the game and our catcher had two.

The Ugly

This is the speech Mets manager Terry Collins gave to his team after the series loss:

"Today, we lost to chickens. Chickens! What does that make you?! Men?! You're not men. You're not even chickens. Do you know what's lower than a chicken?! Eggs. You're all eggs! High in protein, but low in wins against the Yankees. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Ashamed to look your mothers in the eye. In the eye that processes the light that reflects off an egg. That's all you are. Eggs. Everybody get out of my house."

Needless to say, the Mets weren't in Collins' house. They were in the Yankees' house. Zing!

What's So Hard About Hitting Home Runs in Citifield?

The Yankees had seven home runs in this series, two more last night. $4 more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 11hr = $22
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 12hr = $24
Robinson Cano 16hr = $32
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
Eric Chavez 5hr = $10
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 112hr = $224

Yanks and Mets Split First Two Games

The Good

On Saturday, the Yankees won, hitting two home runs in a seventh inning rally that would determine the game.

The Bad

On Friday, the Yankees lost. They let Frank Francisco close them out in the ninth, after he called them chickens. Also bad, the Yanks now face R.A. Dickey in the rubber match. Definitely not good.

The Ugly

After Friday night's loss, there was a lot of heated discussion around the Yankees clubhouse. The players seemed upset, distracted. Something had set them off. Speaking to reporters, Granderson explained what was so upsetting.

"Have you ever seen that movie 'Bee Movie' with Jerry Seinfeld?" asked Granderson to a perplexed group of beat reporters. "Basically, the moral of that movie is that exploited labor populations really need their jobs and poor working conditions, lest they get lazy and have no reason to live. These populations want these jobs, they want them. We need not question the modes of production that produce our cheap wares because deep down, exploited laborers really love and appreciate these jobs, even if, in their ingratitude, they don't always realize it. What kind of message is that to kids? Is it any wonder the reports of working conditions at Foxconn received such a collective shrug? As union laborers, we are all disgusted with this film. It also features bees that can communicate with humans, which is bull$#!%."

Needless to say, the beat reporters were taken aback. They love 'Bee Movie' and would never want to upset the valuable partners behind the affordably produced quality wares whose advertisements fund the newspaper industry.

Producing for the Kids

The Yankees have hit five home runs over the course of the last two games. I guess no one told them how difficult it is to drive the ball out of CitiField. $10 more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 11hr = $22
Nick Swisher 10hr = $20
Andruw Jones 7hr = $14
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 12hr = $24
Robinson Cano 15hr = $30
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
Eric Chavez 5hr = $10
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 110hr = $220

Ouch

Here's some off-day news for you. Curt Schilling has lost his baseball fortune in a now bankrupt video game venture. This finally answers the age-old question, is there anything Curt Schilling knows less about than politics?

Losing Streak Reaches Two Games

The Good

Hughes refuses to put to rest the debate about his effectiveness as a starter, giving us something to talk about. Thanks, Hughes! Jeter, Chavez, Rodriguez, and Cano all hit home runs.

The Bad

Hughes gave up six runs in less than five innings. That's over a run an inning. Math, people. Math.

The Ugly

After the game, sensing a depressed mood in the clubhouse, team Captain, Derek Jeter stood up in the middle of the clubhouse and gave a stirring speech, firing up the troops.

"We lost today," began Jeter to a somber clubhouse. "Hell, we lost yesterday. But that doesn't mean we can't be winners. We can all be winners when we check out my website, jetersfordchallenge.com. When you go there you can see my new Edge. I got mine in Blazing Copper. Watch as I blaze my copper everywhere I go. Oh, what's that?! It's blazing! Oh man, is that copper?! Yep. Blazing Copper. Trademark #*@&$, don't be going around saying that. So just remember, we can still be winners. But just to be clear, I'm already a winner. Blazing Copper out."

Needless to say, the applause was rousing.

The Love You Take Is Equal to the Love You Make

The Yankees seem to be unaware that we're in a recession. Look, we're happy to donate our money to charity, but did they really need to hit four home runs in a losing effort? Four? WTF? $8 more. That's WTF!

Raul Ibanez 10hr = $20
Nick Swisher 10hr = $20
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 7hr = $14
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 11hr = $22
Robinson Cano 14hr = $28
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
Eric Chavez 4hr = $8
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 105hr = $210

Win Streak Ends

The Good

The 2012 season ended on June 19th. As the players prepared to leave the clubhouse, their disappointed and frustrated looks painted the room the hue of agony. But there was also relief. Hope even. Now the task of rebuilding could begin. Would the Yankees ever field a winner again? There could be no surety. The men, made low by what they had endured, were held up only by the promise of a tomorrow. Hope would sustain. Hope had to sustain.

The Bad

We have to play another game today?! But we lost. Lost! Why even bother getting up in the morning?! All life is is missed scoring opportunities, Rob Thompson irresponsibly sending runners to be thrown out by miles at home plate, failing to hit with runners in scoring position, and giving up runs, and losing games. That's it! That's all life is!

The Ugly

The New York Post is reporting on a closed-door meeting that occurred on May 22, which marked the turn around in the Yankees' season. Cashman spoke at that meeting, and while the article focuses on Bronny's contributions, it is completely silent on the inspiring words of some of the players who spoke up at that meeting.

Among the players who spoke up was none other than the Captain, Derek Jeter, whose words fired up the team.

"I'm not one for speeches," began the Captain, "except for all those classic speeches I've given over the course of my Hall of Fame career. Like the one that closed out the regular season at old Yankee Stadium. You remember. Anyway, we all know we've been playing like crap. Well, not me, I'm always awesome. I'm among the league leaders in hits and batting average, so . . . if you could just give me a little help, I'd really appreciate it. Also, whoever's been using my shampoo, I will kill your prized stallion. Keep #$*&@#$ with me!"

Sorry Kids

But the Braves saw to it that you received no further donations. Are the Braves evil? Probably.

Raul Ibanez 10hr = $20
Nick Swisher 10hr = $20
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 10hr = $20
Robinson Cano 13hr = $26
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 101hr = $202

Yanks Take First Game from Braves

The Good

Sabathia pitched a complete game, combining with the offense's six runs to take the first game of this series against the Braves. No one was doing the chop.

The Bad

Sabathia seemed distracted after the game, not really paying attention to the beat reporters' questions. Suddenly he spoke up.

"I still have some Euros leftover from a trip I took. Do I need to get rid of these? I mean, how long do I have before these aren't worth anything?"

There was no good answer to that question.

The Ugly

Have you seen Roger Clemens's kids? I wouldn't click on that if I were you.

The Kids Are Happy

$4 more to the kids from Teixeira and Cano. You're welcome.

Raul Ibanez 10hr = $20
Nick Swisher 10hr = $20
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 10hr = $20
Robinson Cano 13hr = $26
Mark Teixeira 12hr = $24
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 101hr = $202

Yanks Sweep on Father's Day

The Good

The Yankees swept the Nats with a win yesterday, their ninth in a row. Ivan Nova gave the Yankees 7.2 innings of 1 run baseball. Granderson and Cano both hit solo homers, making an epic contribution. See what I did there? Homer. Epic. Pretty clever, right?

The Bad

After his team leading 21st home run in the fifth inning, Granderson walked by Cano and said, "Hey Cano, whadaya got? Eleven home runs? I remember when I had eleven home runs . . . in April."

Cano wept.

The Ugly

After he hit his 12th home run of the year in the 7th inning, Cano walked by A-Rod and said, "Hey A-Rod, whadaya got? Ten home runs? I remember when I had 10 home runs . . . in April."

To which A-Rod responded, "Actually, you really struggled in April. You had a very slow start. Very slow."

Cano wept.

The Kids Went Home Happy

With the two solo shots from Granderson and Cano, the Yankees contributed $4 more to the kids today.

Raul Ibanez 10hr = $20
Nick Swisher 10hr = $20
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 21hr = $42
Alex Rodriguez 10hr = $20
Robinson Cano 12hr = $24
Mark Teixeira 11hr = $22
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 99hr = $198

A Win on Father's Day Eve

The Good

It felt like 14 hours. Gains were incremental at best, coming slowly and arduously. The sun refused to set, as though mocking those below, making one work harder, breath with greater difficulty. Burning, not enlightenment. There was no strength left. No energy. Only a fighting spirit. A will to go on living. To reunite with loved ones. To get back to simpler, happier times. Then Mark Teixeira finally reached third base on the throw home, and the 14 hour ordeal that is a Mark Teixeira double finally, thankfully, came to an end.

The Bad

The Yankees did not hit a home run in yesterday's win. This unlikely event has prompted Congress to threaten an investigation into the game in order to protect the integrity of our national pastime.

The Ugly

After the game, Curtis Granderson was reflective after his 0-4 performance, even though he drew 3 walks.

"You know how President Obama just said he's going to stop deporting people who were raised here, got educated, and never did anything wrong and then Republicans said that would create unfair competition for jobs? Okay, so like, how come competition is okay for pretty much everything unless it's competition with immigrants? I mean, is that conservatism, because it sounds a lot like white supremacy."

Asked what that had to do with baseball, Granderson answered, "I just want to know whether, if I'm worried that an immigrant is going to take my job if I keep having O-fers, I'm a white supremacist. There's a lot of immigrants in baseball, but I ain't trying to be a white supremacist."

Not So Tough without Your Medicine

That seems to be the message the Yankees sent to the kids when they refused to hit any home runs. For shame.

Raul Ibanez 10hr = $20
Nick Swisher 10hr = $20
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 20hr = $40
Alex Rodriguez 10hr = $20
Robinson Cano 11hr = $22
Mark Teixeira 11hr = $22
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 97hr = $194

Yanks Take First Game from First Place Nats

The Good

The Yankees scored seven runs and Hughes took the win with six innings of one-run ball. Curtis Granderson hit his 20th home run, further depleting RJG cash reserves. Most importantly though, the Yankees stayed true to themselves, refusing to hit with the bases loaded, yet scoring two runs on an error by Nationals' shortstop Ian Desmond.

The Bad

Bryce Harper isn't in the Hall of Fame yet, calling the very integrity of the process into question.

The Ugly

After the game, Gio Gonzalez was less than pleased with home plate umpire Marty Foster.

"I kept throwing pitches off the plate and he kept calling them balls, raising my pitch count and forcing me to throw pitches over the plate. It's totally unfair and arbitrary," complained Gonzalez.

Told that Foster was simply enforcing what they call a strike zone, Gonzalez abruptly ended the interview and referred all further inquiries to his spokesperson, Bryce Harper. Harper then released a statement decrying the number of clown questions directed at Gonzalez, and imploring the members of the media to raise the general level of discourse.

Just One for the Daughters and Sons

Curtis Granderson hit a gratuitous home run in the ninth, as if to say, the NL East is not the AL East. $2 more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 10hr = $20
Nick Swisher 10hr = $20
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 20hr = $40
Alex Rodriguez 10hr = $20
Robinson Cano 11hr = $22
Mark Teixeira 11hr = $22
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 97hr = $194

Rain and Racism Can't Stop the Yankees in Atlanta

The Good

Despite less than favorable weather conditions, and regular racially-offensive chants and pantomimes from the crowd, the Yankees managed to complete their three-game sweep of the Atlanta Braves, who wear a racially-offensive uniform. Kuroda gave the Yankees six strong innings and Curtis Granderson hit his 19th home run of the season.

The Bad

While the Braves' team logo, name, and uniform may be racist, at least those most likely to take direct offense were forcibly removed from the area ages ago. Thanks President Andrew Jackson!

The Ugly

Forcible transfer of a civilian population is designated a 'crime against humanity' under international law (see Article 7). I guess it's different if you name the trail they used? Damn.

It's Not All Depressing

Curtis Granderson hit a home run, the kids get $2 more, and we don't have to think about the implications of our sporting rituals. A win all around.

Raul Ibanez 10hr = $20
Nick Swisher 10hr = $20
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 19hr = $38
Alex Rodriguez 10hr = $20
Robinson Cano 11hr = $22
Mark Teixeira 11hr = $22
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 96hr = $192

Yankees Live and Die By the Long Ball

The Good

Yankees came back from a 4-0 deficit in the 8th inning to win the game 6-4.  A-Rod came through in the clutch with a game-tieing grandslam, and was followed by a two-run shot by Swisher.  Soriano got the save after Clay Rapada locked down the 8th, pitching the 4th day in a row after Girardi was momentarily possessed by the spirit of Joe Torre. 

The Bad

Although he ended up with the win, Sabathia gave up 4 runs in 7 innings, including a 3-run 1st inning.  Not what we expect from the ace.

The Ugly

A-Rod's grandslam tied Lou Gehrig's all-time record of 23.  That was supposed to be a momentous occasion until he credited his Michellorific arms for the feat. 

Live by the Long Ball

A-Rod and Swisher's homeruns make them the heroes of the Children's Health Fund yesterday.  $4 more for the kids!

Raul Ibanez 10hr = $20
Nick Swisher 10hr = $20
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 18hr = $36
Alex Rodriguez 10hr = $20
Robinson Cano 11hr = $22
Mark Teixeira 11hr = $22
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
 
Total 95hr = $190

Let's Keep It Rolling

The Good

Ivan Nova didn't have his best command and yet managed to finish with 7 innings of shutout ball with 6 strikeouts.  I think it really says something about a pitcher when they can be off and still shutout a team.  It helped that his defense was crashing into walls, and punching fans in the stands all to defend his honor on the mound.  Ibanez hit his 10th homerun of the year proving that he's been the biggest offensive steal of the off-season.

As a result of all these heroics, the Yankees are back in first place in the division, albeit in June.

The Bad

Soriano's blister didn't allow him to pitch, which I suppose should be in the good, but it reminded me of the $11 million he makes this season which I can't seem to let go of, and that puts this in the bad.

The Ugly

The Yankees went 1-8 with runners in scoring position continuing a disturbing trend.  The question is, if we're winning games without hitting with RISP, if we start hitting with RISP will we start losing games?  The world may never know.

$2 More Than Before!

Ibanez's homerun adds $2 to the Children's Health Fund, which according to the info on those little Unicef boxes, should cure dysentery in the third world.

Raul Ibanez 10hr = $20
Nick Swisher 9hr = $18
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 18hr = $36
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 11hr = $22
Mark Teixeira 11hr = $22
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
 
Total 93hr = $186

Yankees Complete Sweep

The Good

The Yankees swept the Mets, with Phil Hughes and Andy Pettitte putting up good pitching performances, while the bats did what they do best on this team: hit homeruns.  Yesterday, Martin hit two homeruns including the walk off jack.  That's pretty good.

The Bad

Soriano came in to close yesterdays game and ended up tieing it up.  The Yankees had to bring in Logan to get the last outs. 

The Ugly

With the Yankees down by 3 runs, and with two on and no outs in the second, Nick Swisher decided to try a bunt.  He ended up bunting it right back to the pitcher who got the lead runner at third.  After the game reporters asked Swisher what made him bunt, but Swisher would not answer.  "I just watched Prometheus." Explained Swisher.  "And just like Prometheus, I raise questions that I then don't answer, leaving the audience frustrated."

The Only Way to Win

The only way for the Yankees to win is by hitting homeruns, and that's good news for the children at the Children's Health Fund.  Teixeira, Granderson, and Martin all made contributions this weekend.

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 9hr = $18
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 18hr = $36
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 11hr = $22
Mark Teixeira 11hr = $22
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 8hr = $16
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
 
Total 92hr = $184

Santana Throws All-Hitter

The Good

Everyone scored and got on base and hit a home run. Kuroda gave us a strong 7 plus inning performance.

The Bad

Kuroda got knocked out of the game when he took a line drive off his foot. The Mets have yet to issue an official written apology. Could retribution be far away? Unlikely.

The Ugly

After pitching the first no-hitter in Mets' history, Johan Santana, which is Spanish for 'John Plays the Guitar Awesome', threw the Mets' first all-hitter. Everybody hit the ball. Hard. Home runs everywhere. Runs scored everywhere. It was ugly, though not for us. It was pretty good for us.

Whose House?

Home Run's house! Cano, Swisher, and Jones each hit home-runs (back to back to back; Cano hit another one later in the game too). Ouch. But not for the kids, who get $8 more!

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 9hr = $18
Andruw Jones 6hr = $12
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 11hr = $22
Mark Teixeira 10hr = $20
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 6hr = $12
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 88hr = $176

Where Was A-Rod?

After a subpar performance in Thursday night's game against the Rays, a game which the Yankees lost 7-3, A-Rod did not make himself available to the media to answer questions about his errant throw to first or his failure to come through with the bases loaded. As a result, his teammates were left to answer any and all questions about the game, as well as to explain A-Rod's absence.

"He's been acting weird," explained one concerned teammate. "I mean, Al's always been weird. But lately, he keeps coming into the trainer's room and explaining that he wants Michelle Obama arms, and that he needs to work on getting Michelle Obama arms. It really weirds everybody out."

"I liked it better when he was obsessed with Jete," claimed another frustrated teammate. "I mean, Michelle Obama has nice arms and all, but really? Michelle Obama arms? That's your new goal? What the #%&@ is wrong with you?"

For weeks now, every time Rodriguez has arrived at the stadium, he has gone straight to the team's private work-out facility to work on his new goal. Some are concerned that the constant attention to his triceps has caused fatigue, slowing down his bat and sapping A-Rod of his power.

"Look, I can deal with the lack of power," said another teammate. "I just can't deal with having to explain to the media that A-Rod's not available to answer questions because he doesn't want to appear on television clips with arms that aren't 'Michellorific'. He keeps saying that. 'Are my arms Michellorific?' 'Don't you think my arms look Michellorific?' 'I've got to keep working on my arms, they're not Michellorific yet.' I can't #%$&@#$ hear that $#!% anymore. Every. Day. Michellorific. Somebody needs to talk to that boy."

You Can't Win Them All

The Good

Sabathia struck out 12 guys.  12!  There aren't even that many players in a lineup!  That's like striking out all the original Wu-Tang members PLUS the Fugees. 

The Bad

It turns out bad defense can undermine a pitching performance.  Did the 2 unearned runs from A-Rod's errant throw make us lose the game?  Maybe not, but it certainly didn't help, and you can't underestimate the effect it has on the pitcher who has to make the extra outs.

The Ugly

The Yankees need to try a bold new strategy at the plate: Never Load the Bases.  Not this year.  That means that if there are two runners on, you just gotta start swinging for the fences.  Don't be patient.  Don't try to work the walk.  Just swing.  A-Rod's strikeout with bases loaded, and Cano's weak grounder right after have brought the Yankees to hitting .161 with bases loaded this season.  That's lower than Russell Martin's season batting average.  And speaking of Martin...

Off the Bench, And Into Our Hearts

A homerun from Russell Martin has dropped $2 for the Children's Health Fund, and has given hope to his season.  He's finally over .200 and it looks like he could really be turning a corner.

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 8hr = $64
Andruw Jones 5hr = $10
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 9hr = $18
Mark Teixeira 10hr = $20
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 6hr = $12
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
 
Total 84hr = $168

Dear Oklahoma City,

Congratulations on defeating the Spurs. Also, congratulations on having the whitest fan base in all of professional sports. You make hockey games look like 125th Street (before Columbia took it over). But could you do me one favor? Could you not dress the entire crowd in white? Usually when that many white people are dressed up all in white, things get bad. Religious iconography is set ablaze on lawns, you hear the name 'Bubba' a lot, everyone is armed for no apparent reason, a lot of scariness all-around. So could you just tone down the all-whiteness a bit? T-shirts, that is.

Spacial Objects Continue to Confound Rays

The Good

The Yankees had another phenomenal pitching performance to top the Rays with Nova going 8 innings and only allowing 1 run.  Cano and Teixeira hit homeruns in the game signaling a return to Ruthian baseball.

The Bad

Seeing Matsui as the DH hitting .125. 

The Ugly

Tampa Bay pitcher Alex Cobb took the loss after allowing 4 runs over 7 innings.  Asked if he was disappointed with how the game went Cobb responded "You know what's disappointing?  Astronomy.  I took an astronomy class thinking that it would be all about fighting aliens, and shooting lasers and crap like that, and instead we were measuring the distance of stars.  What's that about?"

Ruthian Baseball Benefits the Babies

Two homeruns, one each from Teixeira and Cano, has landed $4 for the children at the Children's Health Fund.

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 8hr = $64
Andruw Jones 5hr = $10
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 9hr = $18
Mark Teixeira 10hr = $20
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 5hr = $10
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4
 
Total 83hr = $166

Yanks Take First of Three Against Rays

The Good

The Yankees scored seven runs against James Shields. Angela Merkel insisted that those profligate runs be accompanied by corresponding austerity measures and Andy Pettitte responded by refusing the Rays any runs. This may not save the Eurozone, but it's good for a win.

The Bad

Is there no better use for Freddy Garcia than as a biweekly reliever? He's gotta have some trade value or something.

The Ugly

Shields was understandably upset about his performance, but he didn't exactly take responsibility. Instead, he passed the buck to an unlikely causal agent.

"Venus was passing in front of the sun today," explained Shields. "Everyone's like, 'you gotta see Venus pass in front of the sun!' I get caught up in the excitement, and I'm all, 'Venus? The sun? I'm there!' I've been staring at the sun all day, I didn't see a damn thing. Molina's calling signs, and I'm looking up at the sun. Looking. Watching. Waiting. Nothing. Did he call a good game? I don't know. Where was Venus?!"

No Bunts

The Yankees scored seven runs today, six of them in the exact way they've been performing offensively all season. They scored two runs when they failed to hit with runners in scoring position (thank you Rays' defense!), and four on a grand-slam by Martin. That does not erase any concerns about the offense, but it does yield $2 more for the kids. That's something, right?

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 8hr = $64
Andruw Jones 5hr = $10
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 8hr = $16
Mark Teixeira 9hr = $18
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 5hr = $10
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 80hr = $162

Yankees Draft Ty Hensley

The First Year Player's Draft began yesterday and the Yankees used their top pick to choose Ty Hensley.  Hensley is a high school player out of Oklahoma, who throws a fastball that tops out around 94mph, and throws a power curve.  The draft is always interesting in baseball as there tends to be a high disparity between the "can't miss prospects" and the number of impact players these "can't miss prospects" end up being.  Then you have guys like Pettitte who was drafted in the 22nd round of the pick and ended up being our stopper.  Not that all the first round picks are duds.  Sabathia, A-Rod, Jeter, Swisher and Teixeira were all first round draft picks, Granderson was a third round pick.  But what is clear is that teams that make good draft choices can turn things around quickly.  You need look no closer than the Tampa Bay Rays for proof of that, and this year, the Washington Nationals are further proof. 

Yanks Take Weekend Series Against Detroit

The Good

We beat Verlander, hitting two home runs and scoring five runs against him. This after Derek Jeter said the Yankees would never score again. Looks like Verlander took that one a little too literally and got lax, now he's paying for it with his ERA and significant emotional damage. Did you see the look on his face when he was sitting in the dugout in the seventh? He looked like the Yankees were eating his ice cream as they rode away on his new bike. Damn.

The Bad

The Yankees lost the middle game when some guy did something in the ninth. Blah, blah, blah.

The Ugly

After Sunday's game, Verlander refused to accept responsibility for his poor performance in his recent outings.

"It's not my fault," explained Verlander. "I've been afflicted with the Stuxnet virus and none of my centrifuges are working. How do you expect me to pitch like that?! Everybody knows I'm a flame-thrower, but I've got the Flame virus too. Every time I try to locate my fastball it's all zero, zero, one, zero, one, one, zero. I can't concentrate!"

Informed that he's neither a computer or living in the Matrix, Verlander retorted, "That's what they want you to think!"

One reporter then asked whether it was selfish of him, being aware of the Matrix, to use that knowledge to become a successful baseball player rather than, you know, trying to save humanity. That's when the interview abruptly ended with Verlander assuring us that, "You just don't get it."

The Power Stroke (Stop Laughing)

The Yankees hit no home runs in the middle game, but hit two yesterday (one each from Jeter and A-Rod). That's $4 more for the kids.

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 8hr = $64
Andruw Jones 5hr = $10
Derek Jeter 6hr = $12
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 9hr = $18
Robinson Cano 8hr = $16
Mark Teixeira 9hr = $18
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 4hr = $8
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4

Total 80hr = $160

No Sweep Part 2!

The Good

Now that we've won the first game, a sweep against us is virtually impossible.  However it does set us up for a sweep of Detroit which is good.  Granderson hit a grandslam, and Sabathia pitched 7 innings of 3 run ball.

The Bad

It took us 5 releivers to close out 2 innings.  It just doesn't seem efficient.

The Ugly

I just noticed that back up catcher Chris Stewart is batting an unimpressive .227, and yet its still a lot better than Russell Martin's .187 average.  Oh snap!

Brown Suede Timb's!

That's what the children can now afford to wear after another 2 homeruns in yesterdays game from Granderson and A-Rod.

Raul Ibanez 9hr = $18
Nick Swisher 8hr = $64
Andruw Jones 5hr = $10
Derek Jeter 5hr = $10
Curtis Granderson 17hr = $34
Alex Rodriguez 8hr = $16
Robinson Cano 8hr = $16
Mark Teixeira 9hr = $18
Eric Chavez 3hr = $6
Russell Martin 4hr = $8
Jayson Nix 2hr = $4 
  
Total 78hr = $156