Saturday, February 2, 2013

The Inner Workings of Alex Rodriguez's Mind

With new allegations that Alex Rodriguez received personal house calls from Anthony Bosch in order to receive PED injections, many of us are probably wondering aloud, 'How is someone this stupid still even alive?' It is a valid question. How is this guy even alive? Shouldn't natural selection have addressed an entity with such a proud legacy of bad decision making? While we cannot fault Nature for failing to do what the Yankees too have neglected (getting rid of him), we can take a peak into Rodriguez's mind. The following is a transcript, derived from brain waves measured without permission from outer space.

Nov. 3rd, 2012: Man, Miami sure is nice in December. Sun in the sky. No clouds. I should probably do some PEDs.

Dec. 10th, 2012: Man, Christmas is around the corner. You know what? I haven't treated myself in a long time. All I have is this mansion, these designer clothes, these luxury cars, numerous blond girlfriends with fake breasts; but you know what I don't have? Some PEDs. I should probably do some PEDs. For Christmas.

Jan. 1st, 2013: Man, I'm sure glad my surgery is soon. I should probably do some PEDs.

Feb. 2nd, 2013: Man, why is everyone saying I do PEDs? I'm Alex Rodriguez! I don't need PEDs to perform at the highest levels of international competition! I'm as good in Canada as I am in the States. Why don't people love and trust me? I should probably do some PEDs.


cs said...

Is he saying all of this while looking at himself in the mirror, just prior to gently kissing his reflection?

Roberto E. Alejandro said...

It's mostly while vigorously making out with his reflection, in between fairly heavy panting.

Rich Mahogany said...

I humbly suggest that Alex Rodriguez should be erased from history via damnatio memoriae.