Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Don Imus Guide to Race Relations

Many people are uncomfortable when interacting with people of other races or ethnicities. At times like these it is important to be especially sensitive to, while at the same time, embracing our differences. To this end Don Imus has released the following guide to race relations:

On Asians:

While it is damn near impossible to tell Asians apart, you should be aware that Asians come from three countries: China, Japan, and North Korea. Their languages may sound the same, but they're not, so don't say "sayonara" to every Asian that walks by. To make your interactions less awkward, try engaging Asians in conversations about their interests, such as Karate, Computers, and Yo-Yo Ma. You may also consider asking them for help with math problems.

On Blacks:

Black people do tan, which is the main thing you have to know. They also love fried chicken and watermelon, and you should serve it to them anytime they come over your house. To better relate to your black friends, consider listening to gangsta (you must spell it correctly, or in this case incorrectly) rap music and putting a picture of Al Sharpton up on your wall. I'm pretty sure Al Sharpton is God to black people, so you may consider praying to him as well. Also, don't fool yourself into thinking you can win at basketball against your black friends, they will dunk on you. It's just what they do.

On Latinos:

Latinos come from Puerto Rico, Cuba, and Mexico. You probably walk by at least one Latino who works somewhere in your office building (a custodian perhaps? security guard?), so go ahead and tell people that some of your best friends are Latinos. If you ever go to a Latino potluck, don't bring rice and beans, that's all they eat and there's bound to be some there already. Also, Latinos are excellent swimmers.

On Middle Easterners:

You may think most Middle Easterners are terrorists, but they're not, there are a few that aren't. Like Casey Kasem. So if you meet a middle easterner, ask him or her if they have a radio show. If they say no, get the hell out of there.

On Baseball:

You may find yourself thinking, "Is Robinson Cano black or Latino?" "What about Sammy Sosa?" Don't ask this question out loud, it makes you look ignorant. They're obviously both black.

[Disclaimer: it looks like Imus' most recent controversial comment may have been pretty innocent, but I couldn't help myself. See the following from the New York Times: Imus story]


bigjf said...

Imus's explanation was clearly fabricated by his agent.

Fernando Alejandro said...

Sounds believable though. Kudos to the agent. Imus owes him if nothing happens to him.

Fred Trigger said...

Little off topic, but, 9 more days till our teams face off again. Guess i'll have to turn it on to smack talking red sox fan mode again. Also Imus's explanation was terrible. I think it was something along the lines of the cops were picking on him because hes black, and its a shame. has he seen the rap sheet on Pacman? its been off the charts since he was in high school.

Roberto Alejandro said...

yeah, hard to have sympathy for pacman, regardless of what Imus meant. This guy beat up a stripper for trying to pick up dollar bills that he "made rain" and then when he gets thrown out the club someone who was likely part of his entourage shoots the place up leaving one bouncer paralyzed for life. Classy guy that Pacman, hope the name change works out for him.

Anyway, it seems clear to me is that the way to best the Yankees is to play mediocre, we have no defense against it.

Fred Trigger said...

I think you mean that you have to be a mediocre team with a mediocre pitcher to beat the yankees (beaten by the Pirates?!?! Really?!?!)

raven said...

I was a bit glad that Doug M had his little revenge.