The events of the last few days have necessitated, once again, a call to our good friend, frequent reader, and blood donor, Brian Cashman via satellite video phone. The following is a transcript of our conversation.
RJG: Bronny Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash! Interesting few days, huh?
BC: Yes, we've been working hard on the Pettitte negotiations.
RJG: Yeah that's great, I don't care about that. Why did you betray Joe Torre man? I thought he was your boy.
BC: We signed him for $5.5 million plus incentives. I think it will work out well for the team.
RJG: Hmm. Uh-huh. That's mildly interesting. According to Torre, when you guys met to discuss his contract you didn't stand up for him. What's up with that?
BC: I think if he stays healthy he's going to add a lot of depth to our rotation.
RJG: Yeah, I read the AP article too. Come on Bronny. Be straight with us. Why didn't you stand up for Joe?
BC: Alright. Look, I couldn't help him in those negotiations. He was demanding all sorts of crazy $#!%. First he asks for a plane piloted by a camel. Then he wanted Steinbrenner's horses to spar with him before every home game. Then it got weird. He demanded a ninja costume that matched mine - I was wearing one since I was negotiating. He demanded he be allowed to wear it in the dugout. Then he asked that we train a gang of kung-fu pandas as his personal body guard. What was I supposed to say? Yes Mr. Levine, we should agree to these conditions plus tack on a few more years? Come on, I had no choice.
RJG: That sounds hard to believe.
BC: Don't do that man. You're making me look stupid, panda jerk!
RJG: Whoa. I dish out the panda jerks. Not you Bronny! Not you!
BC: Okay, I'm sorry. But there was nothing I could do. Between management having soured on the idea of retaining Joe and Torre's crazy demands, there was nothing I could say, I just kind of slumped there in my ninja suit, not really sure what to do, avoiding eye contact at all costs. It was the most awkward meeting I've ever been in.
RJG: So how about that Pettitte signing?
There you have it folks. Bronny Cash wears his ninja costume when negotiating on behalf of Joe Torre, sort of.