Saturday, January 23, 2010

Brian Cashman Enters Rehab

It has been widely reported that Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman will be entering rehab next week in order to confront a life-long, debilitating, addiction to Tetris. In recent weeks, reports had surfaced that Cashman had not been actively pursuing a left field candidate because he was too busy playing Tetris. Spurred by the love, concern, and support of his friends and family, Cashman made the decision Friday evening.

"He kind of hit rock bottom," explained one source close to the family. "He was busy playing Tetris in his den, when he managed to lose in like, level four, which is a level most horses can beat. His kids were like, 'You suck, Dad.' And that's when he knew. He did suck. He was throwing his life away for this game and he couldn't even get past level 9 anymore."

Dr. Drew Pinsky, an expert in addictive behaviors, explained why Tetris addiction is so debilitating. "When you first start playing you routinely get to level nine, ten, eleven even, before you die. But then, soon thereafter, you make it to level eighteen or twenty. The thing is, you can never get back there. You keep playing and playing, hoping to get that high again, but it doesn't happen. Before you know it, all you can muster is a measly level nine, or ten if you're lucky. Then it just spirals out of control. Eventually you start losing in earlier levels which just exacerbates the problem. You keep telling yourself it will only be one more game, and before you know it, your team has no qualified left field options."

The Brian Cashman/Rehab announcement follows on the heels of the revelation that Detroit's Miguel Cabrera recently completed rehab for alcoholism. "It's going to be great for him," stated Cabrera. "It's the first step, accepting you have a problem and that you need outside help. Hopefully, he can put the Tetris away for now."

The Yankees have removed all copies of Tetris and other games, such as solitaire and mine sweeper, from their office computers. They have also installed newer, stronger, online filters that will block all known versions of online Tetris, or Facebook scrabble.

The Yankees are standing behind their embattled GM. "We support Brian one-hundred percent," said one Yankees official. He's done a great job for us and we just want him to get better. A better left fielder would be nice too."

1 comment:

Rich Mahogany said...

I'd think Cashman's game would be Big Money.