Sunday, January 17, 2010

Yankees Sign Damon for 3 years, $6 Million

Okay, that's not true. But with very little to report, I figured I should give you some very exciting, albeit fake, news and then completely destroy your hopes by telling you it's not true. It hurts now, but it was exciting for a moment, and you'll appreciate that later when we sign some guy you never heard of to play left field every third Thursday.

Obviously, there's not much going on in baseball right now. The Yankees have been silent for weeks. Brian Cashman has been checking into work, playing solitaire for a solid 8-9 hours, then going home.

Meanwhile, Scott Boras is busily decoding Johnny Damon's DNA in order to show just how genetically durable his client is. That is the principle reason Damon hasn't signed yet. When teams call with offers, Boras say, "Wait! Not yet. Make me offers after I decode his genome." The effort is expected to take two years.

In other news, NBC has had an ugly late night fight on its hands that now threatens to cost them one of their biggest stars, Conan O'Brien. Rumors are that the YES Network is waiting in the wings, hoping to snatch up the late night host in order to replace color commentator David Cone. While the move may seem a little unorthodox, anyone who has ever seen rival baseball broadcasts on ESPN or Fox understands that in-game commentary is largely a joke now anyways, so it seems like a smart move.


Rich Mahogany said...

It is time for Damon to face reality and embrace a new career in professional wrestling.

JWagg said...

I really was excited for a moment there! Good work!

The only way Conan doing color on YES would work for me is if Norm MacDonald does play-by-play. or vice-versa. Come to think of it, if both Jay and Conan quit, Norm would be the PERFECT host of the Tonight Show. But that may lead to good ratings for NBC, so it'll never happen... NBC is well on it's way to becoming the Pittsburgh Pirates of television networks

Roberto E. Alejandro said...

Damon still has options. He could lower his price, sit out the season and sign with the phillies half way through like Pedro did, lower his price, wrestle, fire his agent and lower his price, or become the new host of the Tonight Show.

I could see Norm and Conan having good chemistry, but Norm is Canadian, which would likely lead to a lot of hockey analogies no one would understand.

Anonymous said...

I think I read somewhere that last year, while he was playing baseball for the Yankees, Damon wanted to manage the Mariners. Maybe he could do that? Taking over Conan's job is also a good idea

Rich Mahogany said...

I think Damon said he wanted to be the GM of the Mariners. Based on his grasp of baseball economics, the team would be bankrupt in about four months.

Anonymous said...

Try four hours. Nah, minutes. Seconds? I love Damon because he seems so charmingly stupid but ... yeah.