The PED Question

We at RJG have been asked what we think of the fact that two former Yankees have been suspended while Ryan Braun walks free. Does the sport's drug-testing program suffer from the same anti-Yankee bias that the Mitchell Report did?

In the interest of responsible journalism, one must be fair to Ryan Braun. First, the container into which Ryan Braun's sample was deposited was clearly more bowl shaped than cup shaped. While it was still technically a cup, this called into question the integrity of the process. Can the container's shape affect the drug sample? Clearly.

Second, the sample in question came from Ryan Braun's penis, which, as all of his former female acquaintances can tell you, is notoriously unreliable. There is no way, therefore, to know whether his test result was accurate or a false-positive.

Melky Cabrera and Bartolo Colon, on the other hand, both tested positive for testosterone and were suspended for 50 games. They are both former Yankees, though that label is only significant in the case of Cabrera. Colon, after all, is more known for his time with every other team in baseball.

More significantly, both players play in California, a state notoriously close to Mexico. In Mexico, you can get just about any performance enhancing drug you want and easily trek it across the border. That's why body-builders hole up in California. It's not because they can workout by the beach, it's because they have an easy supply of steroids and other drugs nearby.

Braun probably juiced, but there are serious questions about the integrity of his test sample. Cabrera and Colon live next to the world's largest anything goes pharmacy and so their test was more likely to be positive. They're also not White and no one is trying to make them the face of baseball. Remember that the steroid issue only really took off when Barry Bonds made a serious run at the home run records, not Mark McGwire.

Had Cabrera and Colon been less tan, and more English proficient, and not lived so close to Mexico, they might have had a chance to escape punishment. But they're not and they didn't and so they get to rest for 50 games more than other players, granting them another unfair affirmative-action based advantage. And just before they both hit free agency!

There is another pressing issue in the RJG universe, regarding Derek Jeter's monster season at age 38. Two years removed from the worst season anyone ever had in baseball, Jeter's renewed Hamilton-like plate dominance has raised the suspicion of one Skip Bayless.

In fairness to Bayless, nowadays you have to at least wonder. Any player who is having success is probably juicing. In fact, if you can even catch up to a major league fastball, or throw one, you're probably a cheating bastard (I've checked the birth certificates, it pans out). It's really the only reason I never played past pee wee league. All the 11 year olds in my town just happened to weigh 180lbs? All of them?

Bayless is forgetting one thing, however: Jeter's gangster and that Skip Bayless is an all around piece of $#!%. Okay, two things. Now that I have raised the specter of Skip Bayless's piece-of-$#!%ness, please endlessly parse the accusation, liberal media.