Schedule Confusion the Cause of Yankees Offensive Woes

Any Yankee fan could tell you that this Yankee offense has been lethargic this season. Some may describe the offense as disinterested, or apathetic. The Yankees have batted .155 (7 for 45) with runners in scoring position, and several Yankee players have suffered from an opening season slump. However, Yankee fans do not need to worry. The Yankees offensive woes find their root in a miscommunication between the management and its players.

"Look at this schedule they gave me." Said Yankee second baseman Robinson Cano as he unfolds a game schedule he was handed the first day of spring training. "Right here it says that spring training ends on April 10th. Its only April 7th. I'm really confused."

It appears a typo in Brian Cashman's written schedule has caused the players to believe the season never started. As a result, the players have not been treating each game with the importance they should.

"Did you see my gyroball?" Asked newly acquired reliever Latroy Hawkins. "It didn't move at all, and I could only throw it at 80mph. It got the crap knocked out of it the other day. Good thing these spring training statistics don't count come the regular season."

"Its been odd getting our spring training games in at Yankee stadium. Especially when its been as cold as it is up here." Explained Johnny Damon. "I'm really looking forward to our home opener on the 16th against Boston. What a way to open the final season of Yankee stadium."

The confusion became evident when Melky Cabrera was asked to serve his 2-game suspension. He told Girardi that suspensions can only be served during the regular season. Girardi reviewed the schedule and realized the mistake.

"I thought something was up when Johnny Damon was stepping into the batters box with his eyes closed. At first I thought he was using the force or something, but after a few strikeouts I told him he needed to stop. He told me to relax since it was only spring. I thought he meant it as 'its still early in the season', but I guess he really meant it as 'its still spring training.'"

Despite the confusion some players figured out that the season had begun. "I saw the schedule, but once they packed up all our belongings and sent us to New York I figured the schedule was a mistake." Said Bobby Abreu.

"I can't read english." Said outfielder Hideki Matsui through an interpreter. "So I never looked at the schedule. I just know that when they send us to New York, then spring training is over."

Apparently, this is not the first time Yankee players have been confused by a faulty schedule. "Last season, Torre told me the season didn't start until August, and I believed him. I was throwing batting practice out there!" Said Kyle Farnsworth. "Torre thought it was funny, but I really didn't appreciate it."

Now that the confusion has been resolved the Yankees hope to put their offensive troubles behind them.

As Alex Rodriguez concluded: "60 homeruns, here I come."