Friday, September 11, 2009

Bud Selig Talks to RJG

Recently, Fox Sports put out an interview with baseball commissioner, Bud Selig done by RJG arch-nemisis Ken Rosenthal about baseball economics. Not to be outdone, the RJG sat down with Bud, and conducted a way better interview about baseball economics. Below is the outcome.

RJG: You have been known for bringing revenue sharing, and the luxury tax to baseball. When did you first realize you were a communist?

BS: The first time was shortly after I read the Communist Manifesto. I was enthralled by its unique philosophies and the idea of living as a community, for the greater good of the community. I attended a few rallies, and I was hooked. The sickle and hammer lives strong to this day.

RJG: Yet on the other hand, you have been fervently opposed to a salary cap. A position that seems rooted in capitolism. What's the deal with that?

BS: You gotta make money to go shopping.

RJG: That makes little sense. What's your take on some of these small market teams habitually not competing? I'm thinking of the Pirates, Royals, Athletics, Mets, and Nationals, teams you don't really see succeeding.

BS: Well, I don't know that that's entirely fair. The Athletics were in the post season a couple years back as were the Mets. Plus the Mets aren't a small market team by any definition. Then you have small market teams like Colorado making a run for the wild card, Tampa Bay last year, there are small market teams competing.

RJG: Yeah, but lets be honest, the Pirates haven't been competitive since Roberto Clemente. The Royals since George Brett. The Nationals are a new team, but they don't seem to have any luck. If baseball had a FEMA, it would be operating out of Citifield right now. How do teams like these compete under your regime?

BS: Look, its up to these teams to build their own winners. I can't build it for them. Mainly because I don't know how to, and I'm too ashamed to ask Brian Cashman. But I'm willing to bet that if you went and looked at these teams farm systems, you'd see barren deserts.

RJG: Alright, well let me ask about this. I know that a salary cap at the major league level won't fly with the player's union, but what about some sort of salary cap for the draft? Its ridiculous that Strasburg got millions of dollars without having to prove himself in the majors first. If small market teams are going to compete, they have to be able to sign the best players available in the draft without being concerned about price.

BS: Revenue sharing already gives these teams free money to sign players with. What else can they want from me?

RJG: A salary cap for drafted players.

BS: Some of the responsibility has to fall on the teams for managing their own finances. Have you ever seen the Pirates front office? They have six doctors on staff. Six! What the (expletive deleted) do you need six doctors on staff for? That's like a 4-1 ratio of doctors to players! Or what about the eight special assistants to the general manager? What do you need eight special assistants for!? Does the GM for the Pittsburgh Pirates really do that much work? You're telling me that they can hire eight special assistants and six doctors and can't sign a player in the draft?

RJG: They could if there was a salary cap on the draft.

BS: What's your obsession with a salary cap for the draft?

RJG: I'm still ticked that Andrew Brackman was signed to a major league contract and is collecting major league service time, while laboring away in class A Charleston.

BS: What's it to you? A young man is making money, and you're angry?

RJG: Don't even question me about money, the RJG is a multi-billion dollar enterprise, with corporate jets, lavish spending, and government bailouts. We're a true blue American company.

BS: What does that mean?

RJG: It means were nearly bankrupt. But anyways moving along... Since this is an interview about baseball economics, what do you think about the recent state of the economy and its impact on baseball?

BS: The honest truth is free agent spending had gotten out of control. The Yankees were still out of control last off season, out bidding themselves for Sabathia, and giving big money contracts to Burnett and Teixeira. But in general, it seems the invisible hand of the market has regulated what had been a potentially damaging trend in baseball. Free agent contracts decreased and now small market teams have chances at some players.

RJG: The invisible hand of the market? That doesn't sound communist.

BS: Who says I'm communist?

RJG: You did.

BS: No I didn't.

RJG: Well, I forgot to turn on the tape recorder for the first question so instead, I decided to fabricate your answer. So now the interview reads like your a communist.

BS: Is that legal?

RJG: Are you a snitch?

BS: I am if it damages my reputation.

RJG: What reputation? The steroid era happened under your watch.

BS: And that's a reputation I fight hard to maintain!

RJG: Being the reigning commissioner of the steroid era?

BS: No, being the reigning commissioner on steroids! RUAWAA!!! (Selig yells as he picks up interview table and hurls it through conference window)

BS: You will rue this day forever RJG! So long suckers! (Selig jumps through conference window, and runs down RJG headquarter hallway screaming).

RJG: Geez.

BS: RUAAAWAA!!! (Selig screaming runs past conference room heading the opposite direction down the hallway)

RJG: For crying out loud. Selena, can you show him out!?

BS: (Selig, stops by shattered conference window) Excuse me, can you show me where your exit is?

RJG: Yeah, Selena will show you. You're going to owe us for this window.

BS: Good luck collecting it.

RJG: Whatever, just go.

BS: Rue this day you will! Ruwaahaaha!!!!!! (Selig screams running down hallway)

BS: (Selig reappears by shattered conference window) Can you validate my parking?

RJG: Give it to Bucky on the way out.

BS: How do I get back on the highway from here?

RJG: Can you leave?

-The End-

So there you have it. A way better interview than what Ken Rosenthal did. The economics of baseball have never been so interesting.


MVN Transactions said...

Very entertaining! haha
If you get a chance could you shoot me an e-mail at I have a question to ask you. Thanks.

Gibbs said...

Fernando, that was hilarious.