Monday, September 21, 2009

This Just In: Joe Mauer Kicks Old Ladies and Discourages Teammates From Playing Well

In the ever spirited debate of who should be the MVP, it can often occur that the writers who have a vote do not always have all the facts. This is especially true now as the 2009 season is winding down, and several candidates have been in discussion. Perhaps, the two most compelling of the bunch are Derek Jeter and Joe Mauer. Now, if the RJG had a vote, then Jeter would have won 14 MVP's by now, and is why the Baseball Writers Association took away our vote back in 2002. That and they found out the RJG was not an accredited newspaper, but that's a story for another day. The fact remains that Derek Jeter has had an amazing season, batting .329 to date, and scoring 104 runs out of the lead off spot. Joe Mauer has had a decent season. He's batted a mere .374 as of this writing, with a paltry 28 homeruns, and plays the undemanding position of catcher. Of course, other factors should be incorporated when considering the MVP, and one of these factors is that of leadership, or as the Yankees call it, Jetership. Though Jeter is known as a great leader on the Yankees, Peter Abraham of the Journal News downplayed this incredible contribution: "spare me the 'he’s great leader' stuff." Peter wrote. "Do you think Joe Mauer walks around kicking old ladies and discouraging his teammates from playing well? I’ll check to make sure, but I’m guessing he does not."

Well allow us at the RJG to do the checking for you Peter, and here's the shocking truth: Joe Mauer kicks old ladies, and discourages his teammates from playing well.

"I was standing at a cross walk." Began Bertha, a 79 year old grandmother living in Minneapolis. "When this tall young man came over and asked if I needed help crossing the street. He seemed so kind and sincere, and I agreed to let him."

But things turned for the worse shortly thereafter.

"He walked me about halfway across the street, then he turned, and kicked me onto the ground. I didn't know what to do."

How did she know it was Joe Mauer?

"Well he bursted out laughing and ran off yelling 'I'm Joe Mauer (expletive deleted)! I'm the MVP!'"

Unfortunately, this was not the first incident reported in Minneapolis about Joe Mauer.

"I remember Joe Mauer well." Explained Sandra, age 67. "I was coming out of the supermarket with some groceries, and this man came over asking if he could help me carry my bags to my car. 'Sure' I said, and I was relieved to find such a nice man. But once I gave him my groceries, he kicked me onto the curb, and ran away yelling 'Free food for the MVP! Joe Mauer (expletive deleted)!'"

Surprised and appalled by what we heard, the RJG decided to ask some of his teammates about these allegations. What came from this, was just as shocking.

"I don't know if he kicks old ladies." Said Twins first baseman and former MVP Justin Morneau. "But I wouldn't put it past him. He's really mean."

Asked to elaborate, Morneau continued.

"Well, he often times walks into the clubhouse and says things like 'Guys, you all suck. You all wish you could be Joe Mauer.' Just like that in the third person and everything. He once told Nick Blackburn that his fastball sucked so much he should just call it a changeup, and that after the season he should work on his fastball in retirement. Blackburn was in tears. Then this other time, he told Joe Nathan that he was pretty good, for an old lady, and then told him that he wanted to kick him really badly. Its just stuff like that."

Outfielder Delmon Young agreed citing experiences he's had with Mauer during his rookie season with the team. "Mauer came up to me my rookie year and said 'I'm not going to call you Delmon Young, I'm going to call you Delmon Suck, because you suck. You should just go back to Tampa and spread your suck over there.' Since then he's made several different nicknames for me such as Sir Sucks A-Lot and Sucksmith the Suckster. He's incredibly unfriendly, and discourages me from playing well."

But there is a silver lining in this story. How did Bertha get out of her predicament, laying helpless in the road?

"After I was kicked by Joe Mauer in the middle of the road. This incredible young man ran into the on coming traffic. A truck was heading right for me, but instead collided into this young man, yet he withstood no damage. He then picked me up and in one single bound had me at my apartment steps, and in just one more single bound was on a date with some famous actress. I saw him playing shortstop for the New York Yankees that night. His name is Derek Jeter, and I owe my life to this incredible human being."

So where's your MVP vote going now ladies and gentlemen? Where's your MVP vote going now?


Anonymous said...

Lamest shit ever. Jeter has herpes and no MVPs. After this year, Mauer will have an MVP and not herpes.

Go fuck yourself!

Riddering said...

I'm glad someone has finally broken this story wide open.

Mauer's been hiding his indiscretions too long in the shadows of the Minnesota media. It's about time the crack team at RJG did something about that. I've got ask, though, did Selena help with this article? It's got her style of investigative journalism all over it.

Lara said...

As one of the biggest Joe Mauer fans, possibly ever...
That was hilareous. FYI, Mauer's gonna win MVP, but that was some funny s*^%. Love the dialoge with his teammates.

Fernando Alejandro said...

Riddering, haha, what gave it away? Was it the wild allegations backed by here say, and a subtle yet present animosity for the player in question?

Lara, thank you! I agree, Mauer will win, and if he doesn't, he's robbed. He deserves it, and frankly I thought he deserved it more than Morneau back in 2006, but homeruns talk.

Anonymous, perhaps you missed the underlying sarcasm. Of course Mauer will win the MVP. He's had an amazing season, and him perhaps more than anyone else on that team has helped put the Twins back in contention. Jeter is having a fine season, but not the kind of season Mauer's having. Basically, I agree with you, but I see you missed that. Judging by your childish behavior, I can't imagine your much older than your teens, so let me just spell it out for you. You look like an idiot when you try to berate people who are on the same side of the argument as you. Good luck with life.

Fernando Alejandro said...

Actually I take that back. You're not an idiot. You just didn't get it. I jumped to conclusions too quickly. But still, the original point about Mauer remains.

Raven King said...

I just got woken up by a call from a weeping Carl the Twin's Ace Pavano.
Carl wants to know how come you didn't interview him, Fernando.

Fernando Alejandro said...

Haha, Carl won't speak to us after his diary entries became public.

hunter said...

easily one of the funniest things you have ever written. this deserves a spot in the "best of" for sure.
and i had a question for you...
with the great loss the yankee blog world is suffering with the departure of pete abe, do you have anyone that you recommend that has a similar style and updates frequently like he does?

Fernando Alejandro said...

That's a good question, Hunter. The first blog I started reading was Mark Feinsand's and I like his blog. He used to not post so frequently, but he's been posting more since Peter announced he was leaving. I've yet to find anyone who posts as frequently as Pete. I would suggest a comination of Joel Sherman, Kim Jones, Mark Feinsand, and Tyler Kepner. They're all beat writers or connected to the Yankees and give good insights. They're all in our blog links. As for non-beat writers, check out Confessions of a She Fan, Purist Bleeds Pinstripes, and of course Respect Jeters Gangster. Hopefully, one or two of those will fill the Pete Abe void.

Geofredo said...

I heard that Mauer and Anonymous watch gay porn together...

Anyways, if he does get the MVP can we steal back Morneau's for CaptainDJ?

Anonymous said...

I'm a Twins fanatic and a friend in Brooklyn sent me a link to your page during tonight's game. It was so hilarious it took some of the sting out of ugly loss number 8 this year. I still don't respect Jeter's gangster, but my opinion probably doesn't matter because I'll awake violently several times tonight choking on my own tears.