Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Source of Slumping Offense Discovered

Though it took some time to get to the bottom of the problem, the source of the slumping offense was finally discovered late Monday evening by a clubhouse attendant.

"Earlier in the season the front office decided that we were spending too much money on clubhouse snacks. To help supplement Soriano's contract they decided to go with a generic brand of sunflower seeds."

Though the cost of the generic brand of sunflower seeds saved the Yankees at least one of Soriano's opt out clauses, it came with some severe side effects.

"Every time the guys would eat them, they'd become overly relaxed and tired. Lethargic, and uninspired, kind of the way you've seen them at the plate of late. And that's when I thought to look at the sunflower seed packages." Explained the clubhouse source.

What he found still surprises the Yankees.

"I read the package and it says on it 'May have been processed on machinery that also processes muscle relaxants. Sorry.' When I opened up the pack, I'm pretty sure there were muscle relaxant pills interspersed with sunflower seeds."

"I thought it was strange that my sunflower seeds had numbers and letters written on them." Explained Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira. "But if you don't eat them, what else will you eat?"

Among those eating the tainted sunflower seeds includes everyone, but Curtis Granderson. "I don't eat sunflower seeds, I eat sunflowers. They're yellow, and big, so they're filling."

The Yankee front office does not seem pleased with the explanation however.

"Its not okay for our entire lineup to be eating muscle relaxants like they were sunflower seeds." Explained Yankees Co-Chairman Hal Steinbrenner.

However, the Yankees captain, Derek Jeter stuck by his teammates. "When you buy muscle relaxant sunflower seeds, we're going to eat muscle relaxant sunflower seeds. We just need to return them and move on. I've decided to start eating sunflowers myself. They're yellow and big so they're filling."

Whatever the case, the problem has been solved. The Yankees can now focus on what they do best, load up on offense and stir up controversy between iconic players and the front office.


@hughsboo said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I almost snorted tea out my nose :)

Rich Mahogany said...

This explains ARod's slump! His cheeks are always grotesquely stuffed with sunflower seeds/muscle relaxants.

Uncle Mike said...

Impossible. Reggie chewed sunflower seeds like they were going out of style.

Obviously, they weren't going out of style.

Anonymous said...

I have to get me some sunflowers to eat. I'll eat whatever Jeter is eating.

Fernando Alejandro said...

Hughsboo, glad you liked it!

Rich, yeah as I wrote it A-Rod was the one who kept popping into mind. No one eats more sunflower seeds than that guy.

Uncle Mike, Reggie may have set the style! Chewing tobacco seems like it was more prominent in his day.

Anonymous, let me know how they are!