Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Cashman Discusses Upcoming Season

It had been a long while since our last call to good friend of the blog and psychoanalyst Brian Cashman, but it was time once again to fire up the old satellite video phone and call our favorite GM. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

BC: Hello?

RJG: Hello Bronny Bron-Bron. How's it been going?

BC: Oh, I'd say pretty well.

RJG: Good. So how are you feeling about the team now that opening day is just around the corner?

BC: I don't want to talk about that right now. There are other, more pressing, issues to be discussed?

RJG: Issues more pressing than the state of the team? For the GM?

BC: Yeah.

RJG: Ok, shoot.

BC: Did you ever notice that Morpheus, from The Matrix, is clearly modeled on Rufus from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?

RJG: What?

BC: Keanu Reeves starred in both film franchises. Coincidence?

RJG: Seriously, Bronny, how's the team shaping up?

BC: That's not important right now, think about it. Rufus and Morpheus have the exact same jacket.

RJG: Did you dip your ninja costume in LSD and then eat it? What the hell are you talking about?! I just want to talk about the Ya. . .

BC: Yeah, yeah, the Yankees. We retooled great. Like our chances if we stay healthy. Marathon not sprint. Blah, blah, blah. Rufus and Morpheus. This is important stuff!

RJG: How is this important?

BC: I'm reorganizing my DVD collection according to common motifs.

RJG: It's not all about you, Bronny.


There you have it folks, the Yankees feel good about their chances if they stay healthy.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Ace Out of Line

It looks like Joba wasn't the only one who handled losing the fifth starter position poorly, you can now add Alfredo Aceves to the list.

The LoHud Blog is reporting that not only does Ace have a sore back, but that he's been "out of line," according to Girardi.

"Ace hasn't been himself lately," explained Girardi. "Like just yesterday he came into my office and goes, 'Hey Joey, my back hurts. And oh yeah, your haircut is stupid.' When I protested he's all, 'I'm sorry, I was out of line.' Then, as I try to say that I accept his apology, he adds, 'Just like your face!' It was all very inappropriate."

Apparently Ace has been a little moody since losing the fifth starter spot. The Yankees are hoping a few days off will address his issues, but it's become so bad that there's no guarantee.

"He told me my mom was ugly," said one clubby. "When I told him my mother abandoned me and that I was an orphan, he goes, 'Yeah, just like your face!' I wept openly in the clubhouse. I was so embarrassed. Then he points at me and in a loud voice, yells, 'Hey Joey, he's crying, maybe you should make HIM the fifth starter! Oh yeah, and my back hurts from bending over backwards for you. I need time off.' It didn't go over well."

Andy Pettitte's Rain Dance Continues to Haunt Him

Andy Pettitte's spring has been frustrated by several rain outs which has limited his work to simulated games pitched against the maintenance staff of Steinbrenner field. Although Andy appreciates the maintainers helping out in this way, there are some concerns that it does not replicate real at bats against Major League ball players.

"I mean don't get me wrong, the first time through the order, I sit them all down. But the second time through I have to work a little. They start picking up the spin of the ball, and crack a couple line drives. I have to switch it up."

But the Yankees are still concerned about the frequency of Andy's rain outs.

"What if this keeps happening in the season?" Wondered one Yankees exec. "How will we make up 30 plus rain games? If he was a releiver, I bet we'd flood the earth."

But that concern is not enough to thwart Andy Pettitte.

"I've been working on my rain dance for years now, and I finally got it to work. When I go to the clubs and I see these idiots shouting 'Make it rain!' as they throw money into the air, I say 'Oh, I'll make it rain.' Then I go outside, do my dance, and open up the full storm clouds from the heavens. You see people scattering to their cars, and everyone knows that I won."

Ladies and gentlemen, we are but 6 days away from the first meaningful game of baseball. Its been a long spring training, but together we have persevered through it. 6 more days and it will all be worth it!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

New Yankees Controversy

This spring has largely been a quiet one in Yankees land, but we may have just manufactured a controversy so great it will completely undo Major League Baseball. The Yankees, it appears, spent last Spring organizing underground street fights between killer whales and dolphins at Sea World. They then used the profits, profits that due to their illegal nature did not have to be reported to MLB or the IRS, to purchase a championship. The championship was bought at a local championship store in Tampa which guarantees the authenticity of all the championships that it sells. The Yankees have been stockpiling championships for decades. Federal investigators are currently launching an inquiry into the Yankees' activities, but it may be difficult to pin anything on them.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Hoping to Avoid Media Circus, A-Rod Reschedules Meeting with Feds

It was widely reported that A-Rod was to meet Federal investigators in Buffalo yesterday to discuss his relationship with the evil Dr. Tony Galea. That meeting, however, was postponed by mutual consent according to the Daily News, in order to "avoid a media circus."

"It's really disappointing," said one AP reporter. "We work really hard putting on this circus and people always try to avoid it. I mean, any journalism major can juggle three balls, or even bowling pins in the air. But I juggle sticks that are on fire. Do you know how much work I put into that just to have these guys not show up? That's bull$#!%."

Indeed, many members of the press spend countless hours preparing and rehearsing their media circus, only to be insulted by celebrities and persons of interest who refuse to show up.

"What the f*** am I supposed to do with this tiger I bought?" yelled one photographer working with Reuters. "I spent months training it. You can't just return a trained tiger to the wild, the other tigers will make fun of him. It will be like Madagascar 2 where Ben Stiller gets disowned by the Lion King. It's not right for these guys not to show up after we've put so much work into this thing."

"I've spent the last two years growing this beard," explained one female reporter. "Rogaine, weekly hormone treatments with Manny Ramirez. For what? For nothing, that's what. Just so A-Rod can screw me over. I'm definitely writing another book about how awful he is after I break into his house again while his daughter sleeps upstairs."

While this recent turn of events may sour A-Rod's rebuilt relationship with the press, A-Rod is focused purely on baseball.

"It was important for me to be here," said A-Rod. "To play the Phillies again in Spring Training, get a couple at-bats and then drive home before the game is in the sixth inning. This is what it's all about."

Friday, March 26, 2010

Joba Interview

Once Joba sobered up we tried to get some face time with him in order to get more reaction regarding his recent demotion to middle relief (unless you think he should be there, in which case it wouldn't be a demotion). Joba, however, was a bit elusive, masking much of what he felt. At least that was my impression. Read the transcript below and judge for yourself:

RJG: So, Joba, sucks to be you right about now, huh?

Joba: Not more than it sucks to be your face. Zing!

RJG: Oh, you got me. So, really, how do you feel about losing out in the fifth starter competition?

Joba: I'm just happy to do whatever I can to help the team.

RJG: Yeah, but it must sting to have gone through all the 'Joba Rules' craziness only to end up back in the 'pen.

Joba: [singing] Informer, abadabadabadabada blam! A licky boom boom down!

RJG: What?

Joba: I know you are but what am I?

RJG: Did you just sing 'Informer,' by Snow? Are you even old enough to remember that song?

Joba: To be totally forthcoming, all I wanna do is zoomazoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.

RJG: 'Rump Shaker'?

Joba: Are you hitting on me?

RJG: No, the song 'Rump Shaker.' Why are you singing 'Rump Shaker'?

Joba: I don't know what you're talking about.

RJG: So losing the fifth starter spot, any thoughts? Anything besides lines from the 90s Greatest Hits collection?

Joba: Why don't you get out of my face before I run over your cat with my tricycle!

RJG: You have a tricycle?

Joba: [Talking like a 60s robot] I am a Robot. Directive does not compute. Must terminate processes.

RJG: I'm just going to go now . . .

Joba: Error. Error. Error . . .

So there you have it folks, seems like it may take a little bit of time for Joba to come to grips with this.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Where's Joba?

Conspicuously absent from all the Hughes as fifth starter coverage is any reaction from Joba. According to Girardi, Joba's reaction to being told he would pitch out of the 'pen was to say he'd be happy to do anything to help the team. RJG, however, not content to leave this lacuna in coverage to stand, has done the extra investigative work that the liberal corporate-controlled right-wing media refuses to do. You, our readers, deserve nothing less.

Joba was told the news last night. He immediately started weeping, and ran out of Girardi's office, yelling, "Dream murderers!" He then disappeared for several hours, at which point Granderson realized his locker costume was missing. Considering Hughes had been using that locker, the Yankees thought it best to take precaution in case Joba turned his rage on Hughes, their new fifth starter. All lockers in the Yankees clubhouse were removed, and all player items are now to be kept in clear plastic bags. Then Joba reappeared holding a bottle of whiskey. Security was summoned to escort him from the premises but Joba grew unruly. "Get your hands off me!" Joba yelled. "I can show myself out! I have rights!" Joba then smashed out Girardi's windows in the parking lot and passed out in the public restroom of Steinbrenner Stadium. At that point Hughes walked into the Yankees clubhouse, yelling, "Look, I'm my own locker!" The Yankees plan to use Chamberlain as Mariano's eighth inning set-up man.

Hughes Picked as 5th Starter

In a shocking turn of events foreseen by no one, not even us, Phil Hughes has been picked as the 5th starter. Its a great turn of events for the young hurler who out dueled, all the other pitchers in camp including Joba Chamberlain, Sergio Mitre, Nick Swisher, and Alfredo Aceves.

Okay, I'll drop the sarcasm, this wasn't exactly a surprise. Sherman's been pretty sure of it for a while, and even we saw the writing on the wall. But its good that this is settled. Opening day could not come any sooner!

Girardi Picks Fifth Starter

Apparently, Girardi already knows who the fifth starter will be but won't tell anyone. The pitchers don't know, the coaches don't know, his family doesn't know. Girardi plans to hold a press event, not conference, in the big tent today. He has spent much of the last two days picking out theme music and appropriate attire. Girardi will play 'game-show host' at the event, unveiling the fifth starter over a slow, drawn out process with numerous commercial breaks. Pretty much everyone in the media thinks it's Hughes. Sherman even wrote a column for today's paper that discusses how Hughes's innings limit will be distributed during the season, so confident that Hughes will indeed be the pick. Personally, I'm going with dark horse Randy Winn to get the five spot. He's already guaranteed a roster spot, so you might as well have him pitch every fifth meaningless game and have the strongest bullpen ever invented by man or beast.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Curtis Blends into Clubhouse

According the NY Daily News, Curtis Granderson is blending in with the Bombers:

While on the surface, this would seem to be great news for the Yankees, considering how intense the pressure can be in New York, what with gravity working differently there and all, but many in the Yankees brass are less than pleased with Granderson's ability to blend in.

"It's really tough," explained Jason Zillo, Yankees PR Director. "One time, he told a beat reporter that the reporter was ugly, and his kids too, and told him to quote him on that. When I went to go talk to him about it, he was nowhere to be found. I could hear his voice, taunting me, but I couldn't find him. Next thing I know he was right next to me. I was like, 'WTF have you been?' He's all, 'I've been standing next to you the whole time!' He can really blend into his environment. It's frustrating."

Zillo is not the only New York executive who has been frustrated by Granderson's ability to blend in.

"One time I was looking for Granderson in the clubhouse," said Brian Cashman, Yankees GM. "He was not in there. I asked everyone. Checked the weight room. Nowhere. Then, suddenly, he stood up in the middle of the clubhouse. He was in this suit shaped like a locker. I was like, 'Hasn't that locker been there all Spring?" And he's all, 'Yep.' Hughes is all, 'WTF? Why is my $#!% all over the floor?' We were all stunned. He'd literally snuck in a locker costume before Spring Training and had been sitting in the clubhouse everyday, pretending to be a locker. That locker was being used! It was very frustrating."

Granderson's ability to blend in is something straight out of Get Smart. Despite the frustration it often causes, Granderson does not plan to change who he is. "I've always been sick at hiding. Playing in New York isn't going to change that."

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Hughes Makes Decision Tough on Girardi

As the self imposed deadline for selecting a 5th starter quickly approaches, Joe Girardi is left with some rather difficult decisions whittling down the candidates. This decision was made even more difficult by Phil Hughes brilliant performance against the Phillies. Some skeptics have pointed to the three homeruns he allowed in that game as being problematic, but Hughes and Girardi don't see it that way.

"You can't look at the final line and expect to see how well a pitcher pitched. The final line doesn't take into account wind, and things of that nature. There was a lot of wind." Explained Hughes. "Every groundball turned into a solo homerun. I felt like I was pitching in a tornado. Despite that, I pitched really well. 4.2 solid innings with 3 homeruns interspersed throughout them."

Girardi agreed with Hughes assesment.

"Wins and losses don't really matter. What matters is that you make your pitches. It doesn't matter that those pitches were hit out of the park either. Just so long as you make your pitches, and he made his pitches."

Girardi also pointed to the stiff competition Hughes was pitching against.

"There's no shame in giving up homeruns to Ben Francisco, Dane Sardinha, and Wilson Valdez. There's at least 3 MVP candidates in that group right there."

So does anyone out there not think Hughes will get the job?

Monday, March 22, 2010

Nick Swisher Reworks His Swing

Over the course of the Winter and Spring, Nick Swisher has worked hard to remake his swing. The new swing, which Girardi describes as "quiet," may result in a much higher batting average to go along with Swish's already excellent on-base and slugging percentages. Swisher explained his new swing to us over the weekend.

"It's just quieter," explained Swish. "Before, I would be really selective, see like 10 pitches. But then I'd get called out on some bull$#!% pitch that was an inch off the corner. Then I'd roll my eyes into the back of my head as if to say, WTF ump? Then I'd shake my head and walk away muttering that the ump should go #$*& himself. Then I'd sit in the dugout and tell my teammates that that ump should go #$*& himself. Now, I'm making more contact, so there's less telling the ump to go #$*& himself. It's much quieter."

Take That Free Agent Class of 2010!

Joe Mauer has signed an 8 year, $184M contract extension with the Minnesota Twins. I guess that means he won't be replacing Posada, but more importantly, he won't be replacing Varitek either. There will be no bidding war for Mauer's services. Cliff Lee stands to gain the most out of this signing. If Lee reaches free agency after this season, then he will be the biggest chip on the table. The one teams will be competing for. Granted, if the BoSox manage to extend Beckett, then it may be much less of a bidding war, assuming the Yankees will be in on Lee.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Is My Brother Too Gangster?

So my brother left yesterday to return to the States, but his trip left an overwhelming question: is my brother too gangster?

Let me explain. Early on during his stay here, we went to a local pub for lunch. At the end of our meal we ordered three teas. Tea here is generally served in a small pot, with an accompanying cup. The waiter brought three tea pots, one for each of us (my brother, myself, and my wife). I served myself some tea from my teapot, then watched in intimidated astonishment as my brother bypassed the tea pot standing right in front of him, reached around some menus that were otherwise obscuring my teapot from his vantage point, grabbed my teapot, poured out what was left of my tea, and then drank it in one gulp, all the while glaring at me.

Now, before coming I had asked my brother to bring my baseball mitt, so we could play catch and so I could have a glove out here. He brought the glove, but then upon leaving, promptly packed it up with the rest of his luggage and took it back to the states. That made two robberies of a family member in a week and a half. Has the gangster theme of the blog gone to my brother's head? The evidence would suggest so.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Cano to Bat Fifth, Protect A-Rod

Robinson Cano has been tapped to replace Hideki Matsui as the Yankees number five hitter. While many question whether the often less-than-selective Cano is the right fit for the five spot, considering the frequent RBI opportunities as well as the need to protect A-Rod in the line-up, many in the Yankees organization feel they had no choice.

"Cano took the Melky trade really hard," explained Yankees GM Brian Cashman. "Did you hear the song he was going to play during his at-bats? Something needed to be done. He wouldn't even drink his milk anymore. He was all, 'what's the point,' and we needed to find a way to pep him up."

Many are questioning whether this is the right move, however, since it will undoubtedly affect the Yankees' offense in a profound way.

"I know he needed to be cheered up, but maybe some ice cream or something," said one player, who preferred to remain anonymous. "I mean, he's struggled with being consistent and selective, how will he protect me in the line-up?"

Others, however, felt that this was the right time to promote Cano to the middle of the order.

"He used to have this bet with Melky that he could drive in 100 runs in a season with his eyes closed," explained Mick Kelleher, the Yankees first-base coach. "He'd get up with runners in scoring position, close his eyes, and just swing away. I was always like, 'WTF?' But now with Melky gone, I think he'll feel less of a need to drive in all his runs with his eyes closed, which should raise his average a bit."

Only time will tell whether this is the right move for the 27 year old second baseman. But for now, the Yankees may be taking a bit of a gamble.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Media Pressure?

One thing that has annoyed me about the Yankees's fifth starter race is that it has always seemed, despite assurances otherwise, to be a two-man race. Joba or Hughes? That is the question. But recently all the coverage in the press has revolved around the fact that Ace, based on his performances thus far, is the only clear front-runner if it is truly a five-man race. I would love to see either Hughes or Joba or both develop as full-fledged starters, but if they're not the best men for the job then those who prove themselves should earn the spot. I wonder whether the media's willingness to point out the obvious, that Ace is the only one who has shown the ability to pitch consistently well as a starter, might pressure the Yankees into not simply following some organizational player development plan as opposed to fielding the best rotation possible. They could comfortably do the former because of the strength of their 1-4 starters, but they may have a lot of explaining to do if Hughes, let's say, continues to pitch as he has, Ace continues to pitch as he has, but Hughes gets the nod come the regular season. It will be interesting to see whether the media coverage has any effect on how that decision ultimately plays out.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Enough Already

Here's a few lines from Bill Madden's recent column on the strength of the BoSox's pitching:

Indeed, the fact that Francona is boasting about a five-strong rotation of Josh Beckett, John Lackey, Jon Lester, Daisuke Matsuzaka and Clay Buchholz, with 43-year-old Tim Wakefield, a first-half All-Star last year before he sustained back problems that required surgery, in reserve, should come as unsettling news to Yankee legions watching Joe Girardi conduct endless tryouts for the fifth spot in his rotation.

Of course we should be scared about the lack of stability in the five spot, since we needed a whole three starters to win the World Series last year. Further, while Francona may feel that he's "got six proven starting pitchers that I like" (from same column), one of those pitchers is older than Francona and needed back surgery last year. Another one of those pitchers is Dice-K, who was hardly durable last year, and has yet to throw a single session this Spring. That leaves four starting pitchers, one of whom is Clay Buchholz, who is about as proven as the Large Hadron Collider, except that he may actually be a black hole in that rotation. So, to make a long story short, enough already with the 'Sox rotation is the strongest ever' nonsense that has been so prevalent since they signed John Lackey. Not Cliff Lee. Not Halladay. Lackey. They signed Lackey. A pitcher so dominant he led his team to the couch where they could comfortably watch a three man rotation defeat the Phillies in the World Series. The Sox have clearly improved with the addition of Lackey, no question. But the Yanks are hardly shaking in their boots, particularly since they beat out both the Sox and Lackey last year with only three proven starters. Now they have four.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

20 More Games of This?

Apparently there are about 20 more Spring Training games to go. Of course, that means about three more weeks of baseball action that is about as interesting as the second half of January during the "hot stove" season. It hasn't helped that the only real interesting aspect of Spring Training, the race for the fifth starter spot, hasn't really materialized. Don't get me wrong, Mitre and Ace have had strong showings, but everyone knows they're not really in the race. This is about Hughes and Joba and at this point they seem to be auditioning for being as far from the starting rotation as possible. Neither has pitched particularly well and so we can't even get excited about the fifth starter race.

Even the A-Rod controversy has been mild by past standards. The Feds seem to be in no hurry to interview him, and all we have is the regular chorus from Mike Lupica demanding answers. I don't know why Lupica is owed an answer, but he better get it, or else!

The only real interesting issue right now is whether the RJG proprietors have wrested the crown away from the Elizabeths (as the royal family is known). The answer is yes, we have. But then someone explained to us that the royals don't actually have any power, and that England is exclusively run by parliament. Neither of us wanted to be in parliament, and without the corrupting absolute power, the throne wasn't particularly attractive either. You know how they say, 'heavy is the head that bears the crown'? Well, they're right. That crown is damn heavy, and gaudy. Who wears something like that?

So this leaves us with very little worth writing about. This just means that we will have to don our investigatory hats and dig deeper for all of you, our loyal subjects . . . I mean, readers. Soon enough we'll have all the real dirt on the major league camp. Who's weeping? Who's not weeping? You'll get it all here at RJG.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Important Blog Update

My brother arrived here in England today for a two week (approximately) visit. During this visit updates may be a little more sparse as we have important business to attend to. We recently discovered that we are descended from an ancient royal lineage (as our last name would indicate, that of Alexander the Great). As such, we will be heading down to London on Thursday to challenge the royal family for the crown of England. We don't expect much resistance.

As such I will have to predict the next few days of Yankees related news. By Saturday, the Yanks will have played 5 or 6 more games (thank you split squads). You will have lost count largely due to lack of interest. Ace will still be the leading candidate for our fifth rotation spot, and the Yanks will announce a new coronation ceremony to take place in the Bronx some time in July. A-Rod will still be dodging questions about Dr. Tony Galea, and the Feds will still not have interviewed him. There will be news stories about how angry the Yankees brass is with Rodriguez, and public statements denying the veracity of those stories. Then, out of nowhere, A-Rod will hold another press conference; this time unveiling his new "Jeterlike" haircut. The ensuing controversy will threaten to undo the Yankees and the quest for 28. Then Swisher will regrow his Swish-hawk and turn the tide of history, ushering in a new Yankees dynasty.

By then, the Alejandrian Era in the UK will be well underway. Not much will have changed, or everything will have changed! Now you can sleep more easily at night.

Monday, March 8, 2010


So it turns out that A-Rod was treated by Dr. Galea of HGH fame (here). Supposedly he only prescribed anti-inflammatories, but that's according to a guy who tried to have one of his assistants sneak HGH into the country. The Yankees had previously distanced themselves from Dr. Galea, claiming that he had not been authorized by them to treat Rodriguez post-hip surgery. At first it seemed that the only link between A-Rod and Galea was A-Rod's post-op chiropractor, Mark Lindsay (I may have misspelled that). Now Galea is claiming that he indeed treated A-Rod after his hip surgery. If it comes out that A-Rod used HGH "to get healthy" after having surgery, that may be the end of any love affair Yankee fans will have ever had with him. I don't want to jump to that conclusion, but this just got messy.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Spring Training Just Got Interesting

After helping the Yankees win their 27th Championship, Jose Molina was not resigned by the Yankees, replaced instead by Johnny-come-lately Francisco "I'm going to take your job next year" Cervelli. Molina, interviewed yesterday, mentioned the fact that he "taught [Cervelli] everything I know." Molina was behind the plate yesterday in a game where Cervelli took a fastball off the helmet, leaving him with a concussion. Coincidence? Molina could be heard from the parking lot yelling, "Is this how you repay me!" Let's just say the next Toronto-Yankees game should be interesting. Jamie Hoffman has already vowed to slide hard on any hit, flyball, routine grounder, or strike out.

Then, this morning, the Daily News released a column by Jon Harper in which he profiles CC Sabathia. The column ends with a quote from Sabathia, in which he states, "After getting a taste of winning in New York, and all the history, I don't know why anyone would leave." That was clearly a shot at Alex Rodriguez for opting out of his Contract with New York a year before Sabathia even signed with the team. And while that may seem a rash conclusion, there is nothing else going on in baseball right now, so shut up about it.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Zito Settles Score With Fielder, but Still Sucks

Yesterday, Giants pitcher Barry Zito settled the score with Brewers first baseman, Prince Fielder when he plunked him in the back. The score began last season when Prince Fielder hit a walk-off homerun and met his teammates at home plate for an unusually awesome homerun celebration. The Giants on the other hand did not appreciate its awesomeness.

"I don't know how they get off doing that." Explained Barry Zito. "They're doing some homerun celebration like this was some game kids play on a warm summer's day."

Distraught by the celebration, Zito took matters into his hands.

"I knew I had to get him good." Said Zito. "So I really dialed up the fastball, I think I got it up to like 75 or 76 mph. You can tell I'm mad when I throw that hard."

Fielder did not seem too fazed by the plunking, even flipping the ball back to Zito after getting hit.

"No, I really appreciated the gesture." Said Fielder. "If they were really serious, they would have tried to beat us in a meaningful game. Instead they showed it wasn't personal, by beaming me in a meaningless spring training game."

Nick Johnson, Already Hurt

Nick Johnson hurt his back taking BP yesterday, pretty much obliterating the Yankees' theory that limiting him to DH duty would likely keep him healthy. Apparently, Johnson is so fragile, Carl Pavano regularly calls him up to offer words of advice on staying healthy. It's not a good start to the spring for Johnson, who luckily managed not to injure his wrist in the Skee ball competition from a few days ago. Only time will tell whether Johnson can stay off the DL during the regular season for a long enough to stretch to make an impact. Right now, it's not looking good for that 2011 option.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Something That Looked Like Baseball Happened Yesterday

The Yankees had their first spring training game yesterday, besting the Pittsburgh Pirates with a walk-off 3-run homerun by Colin Curtis. Among the other highlights were a combined 6 scoreless innings by a trio of 5th starter hopefuls, Gaudin, Mitre, and Aceves. Royce Ring pitched 1.1 innings with 2 strikeouts after Albaladejo gave up 3 runs without recording an out.

"It was a great game." Explained Ring. "I was all like 'fwoooosh!'" He said describing the sound his fastball made.

Ring was not the only one excited to be back in baseball mode.

"You should have seen it!" Explained a visibly excited Nick Johnson. "That ball came into my wheel house and I was all like 'Bladow!' for a double. It was great!"

"Man I was so happy to get back to playing baseball." Said Mark Teixeira. "After waiting a few months I finally got two at bats. I savored each one. I wasn't even interested in getting a hit, I just liked hearing the ball be all like 'fwoooosh!'."

The Yankees had a great start to spring training, and today they will continue their schedule. We're starting to see something that looks like baseball!

Spring Training Games Without Injury: 1

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


So A-Rod will likely be interviewed by the Feds about Dr. Tony Galea as part of the FBIs investigation of Galea's attempted PED smuggling caper. A-Rod's sole connection to Galea seems to be that he was treated by a chiropractor, on the recommendation of Dr. Mark Philippon, his hip surgeon, who worked with Dr. Galea in Canada.

Then Bronny makes this statement, reported on the Daily News blog, indicating that he knew of none of his players being treated by Galea and that the Yankees had never done business with him.

But this raises an issue, since Galea is known for pioneering platelet-rich plasma replacement therapy, a procedure performed on Xavier Nady last season as he attempted to come back from his elbow injury (here and here). It is not clear who performed this procedure on Nady, but I'm willing to bet he went to the source. As we learned from the Mets-Beltran knee surgery fiasco, teams generally have to approve of medical procedures before their players receive treatment, so the Yankees may need to exercise a bit more caution in their public statements about what dealings they've had with Mr. Galea.

Of course, it's not that I think the Yankees have any connection to Dr. Galea's tendency to carry large amounts of HGH in his first aid kit, nor that A-Rod does. But still, one has to be careful.

Yankees Outing A Huge Mistake

Yankees Manager Joe Girardi thought he could keep playing with fire and not get burned. For the second year in a row, Girardi took his team out to a local venue in a misguided attempt to build unity. But you can only put a bunch of type A competitive personalities in fierce video game battle for so long before it all goes horribly wrong.

"We were playing Street Fighter, and I'm talking the original Street Fighter, and I was winning," explained a teary eyed Phil Hughes. "I was all like, 'Haduken!' And so Joba just turned reached around the back of the machine and unplugged it. I told Joe but he was all, 'nobody likes a tattle tale, Phil.' It's like, why do I even try for this guy? You know?"

Other games didn't go much better. "They had an old N-64 in the back, hooked up to a TV and we were playing Bond," related a clearly annoyed Jorge Posada. "I just woke up and I didn't have a gun or body armor or anything! Then A-Rod came around the corner and starts shooting at me. All I could do was slap at him helplessly and yell that I didn't even have a gun yet, but he just laughed and kept shooting. So I say, 'see, this is why you'll never be like Jeter.' Then he just turned the game off and stormed off. I don't think he's in camp today."

A-Rod isn't the only player missing after Yesterday's outing. After a disappointing showing in the Skee ball tournament, Curtis Granderson explained that, "I used to be good at Skee ball, but I was really disappointed at myself for my performance. I’ll need to go back and figure out this Skee ball machine compared to the ones I used to play."

Early this morning, Granderson notified the Yankees that he would not be reporting to camp for the next three days because of a personal matter. The Yankees, however, have not granted Granderson leave from camp, as his "personal matter" is him being holed up in that arcade studying the contours of the Skee ball machine.

"I can't leave until I've figured this thing out," said Granderson. "It's just my competitive nature. I've been watching video of my performance and studying how the ball moves on this machine. I've been on the phone every twenty minutes with K-Long. He hasn't been much help."

Girardi knows it will be up to him to smooth over the hurt feelings after Yesterday's outing. Only time will tell whether this most recent controversy will consume the Yankees or help bring them closer together, propelling them to a 28th championship.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

A-Rod Meets With Federal Investigators

Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez is meeting with federal investigators over a Canadian doctor who has been connected to PED use. Though Alex could not say much to the media about this on going investigation, we at the Respect Jeter's Gangster blog were able to attain a copy of the recorded interview from the Feds. The following is a transcribed segment of the interview:

Fed 1: Tell us what you know about Doctor Tony Galea.

A-Rod: He's a Canadian doctor linked to performance enhancers.

Fed 1: What kinds are we talking about?

A-Rod: Word on the street is that Tony is dealing in heavy stuff. Enriched steroidium and stuff like that. There's one thing he's working on that's truly terrifying. It would create an army of super humans capable of competing at the highest levels possible. We're not talking about enhancing humans anymore, we're talking about super humans. Like if Wolverine and Superman had a baby together, that's what these humans would be like.

Fed 1: Could Wolverine and Superman have a baby together, that seems flawed?

A-Rod: I didn't mean it literally, obviously one would have to be a woman for that to work.

Fed 1: No, I meant that I just don't see them really falling in love you know? I don't think that relationship would work. Like Wolverine is kind of surly and mean, and Superman is more of your typical hero type. They're from different planets, and their upbringing was totally different. I mean, what do they have in common?

Fed 2: Actually, they're both hero's so they could have that in common.

Fed 1: But it doesn't take away from the fact that their personalities wouldn't match, and the obvious problem that their both male, and can't reproduce.

Fed 2: Wait, are you saying that Superman is sterile?

A-Rod: Guys, it was just an analogy. If its better for you think Wolverine and Wonder Woman.

Fed 1: I don't see that working either. Wonder Woman wouldn't put up with his attitudes all the time, and she has that lasso of truth...

Fed 2: Hold on, where did you get that Superman was sterile? I never read that.

A-Rod: I think you two are getting caught up in the analogy too much, I'm just saying that its an incredible super human thats being created here.

Fed 1: It would be easier for me if we matched Superman and Wonder Woman.

A-Rod: Fine. Superman and Wonder Woman's child is what Tony's working on.

Fed 2: But you just said Superman couldn't have babies. The analogy still doesn't work.

Fed 1: No, Superman can have babies.

Fed 2: So Wolverine is sterile?

A-Rod: Guys, you're missing the point.

Fed 1: No wait, I think we should explore this. Have we ever seen Wolverine have babies? And how old is he? 150 or something? 150 and never had a child?

A-Rod: Forget Wolverine! Were talking about Doctor Galea. We're settling on Superman and Wonder Woman, and in this analogy Superman and Wonder Woman are both capable of producing children.

Fed 2: When you say they're both capable of producing children, do you mean like in a lab?

Fed 1: Yeah, is Tony Galea cloning humans? We may need to move on this quicker than we thought.

A-Rod: No, he's not cloning humans.

Fed 1: You know you're under oath right? You can't lie to us.

A-Rod: I'm not lieing to you! He's not cloning!

Fed 2: But you said Wolverine was dating Superman, and that wasn't true, was it?

A-Rod: You're really stuck on this analogy.

Fed 2: No, I'm really asking, was it true?

A-Rod: Oh dear.

Fed 1: If Batman and Ironman had a baby together, I suppose it would just be a human right?

A-Rod: I seriously regret using a superhero analogy.

Fed 2: That's a good point. That would be the lamest superhero child ever. He'd be enrolled at like a private schools, and play the violin and crap like that.

Fed 1: Yeah, he'd be a real dork.

Fed 2: But maybe not. If they had a child together we'd have to assume they adopted, since we have the same problem as with Superman and Wolverine.

Fed 1: What if they adopt Superman and Wonder Woman's child, and then Ironman and Batman's child has more superpowers than they do? Like, they would say "Take out the trash." and the child would be like "Make me...humans." and what could they do?

A-Rod: Guys. Focus. Tony Galea, super humans, performance enhancers. Lets get to it.

Fed 1: Does my hair make me look like Jeter?

(End Transcript)

The investigation continues to progress, and we can only hope it will not distract A-Rod from having another succesful year.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Chan Ho Park Appears in Camp...Drunk

The Yankees signed Chan Ho Park some time ago, but nothing seemed official until he finally showed up in camp a few days back. Park met with the media to reveal what he had been doing in this time, but unfortunately showed up sloppy drunk.

"Who wants to fight me?! You?! Huh!!?! I love all of you." Explained Park.

When asked where he's been and what he's been doing over the past few days, Park slurred:

"You want to ask questions?! There will be trouble to pay! You sir! Pass me the Heineken."

When asked if he was excited to play for the Yankees, Park harnessed every ounce of sobriety left in his body and regained his composure.

"(Expletive Deleted) you!"

It appears Park is excited to pitch this season.