Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Jeter Outlines Marlins Profitability Plan in 'Project Wolverine' Dossier

Former Yankees shortstop and new Miami Marlins Supreme Leader Derek Jeter has outlined the Marlins's road map to profitability in a secret dossier sent to potential investors titled "Project Wolverine."

Though wolverines and marlins are natural enemies, Jeter believes this new plan will ensure profitability in 2018 and beyond according to investors familiar with his delusions.

"It looks good on paper, and maybe in theory it would work, but I'm not 100 percent sold yet," said one potential investor, who spoke on condition of anonymity so as not to upset the Supreme Leader.

In a purported copy of the dossier—rumored to have been prepared by researchers at Fusion GPS—Jeter lays out his plan to have Hugh Jackman make regular, almost daily appearances at Marlins Park, engaging with fans, signing autographs, and hopefully distracting from the generally terrible on-field product. Jackman, well known for his recurring role as Wolverine in the X Men movie franchise, is unusually popular in Miami, where his low body fat content is used as a metric for the worth of other human beings.

But some deep pocketed potential investors remain skeptical, especially in light of Jeter's recent missteps and PR struggles as the head of the organization.

"As a member of the one percent, my biggest concern is that Jackman hasn't actually agreed to the regular appearances, and the whole plan pretty much centers on him being there everyday," explained one investor considering a stake in the Marlins.

"Jackman's Australian," said another potential investor considering what to do with her upcoming tax savings. "That may be alright for a knife fight on the mean streets of New York, but Australians are pretty bad at baseball. They throw the ball with two hands and keep asking where the goal posts are. I'm not sure this will work"

According to various Marlins executives, also interviewed on condition of anonymity, Jeter is confident "Project Wolverine" will not only work, but attract new dollars to a franchise in sore need of cash.

"Jeter's a hall of famer," said one executive, "He knows what he's doing. It's just a matter of how quickly people forget there's also baseball being played at the same park Hugh Jackman is at. Hopefully, no one notices and gets turned off by the experience."