Friday, February 28, 2014

Pavano Attempts to Upstage Jeter

Coming on the heels of the Derek Jeter retirement announcement that so shook the baseball world, Carl Pavano has announced his own retirement from the game in a thinly veiled attempt to steal the spotlight from Jeter.

Pavano cites an injury to his spleen, and the inability to fully recover from it, as part of the reason he has decided to retire. The spleen, an internal organ, is viewed by many as more sentimental than an ankle, even though the spleen is not actually a necessary organ.

Pavano's retirement begins effective immediately, which can hardly be anything other than a desperate cry for attention.

Well congratulations, Carl. We're all looking at you now. Does this make you happy? Huh? Does it?!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Sorry Winston, Probably Not Going to Happen

I love that Jameis Winston considers playing an exhibition game against the Yankees a greater accomplishment than winning the BCS title. I love that he wants to play baseball and football. I'm afraid, however, that is extremely unlikely.

It's not because he doesn't have the potential or desire or ability or anything like that. It's that he projects to be a pitcher. In football, he is currently a quarterback. To play both professionally, he would basically be throwing at (more or less) full force from early February (when pitchers and catchers report) through at least December with no time off.

Unless he plans to change positions in one of the sports, or his arm was built in the same factory as Mariano's, there is no way that is going to happen. Under that sort of constant throwing, his arm maybe holds up a year or two before he needs major surgery. No team would take that risk. No team would likely even ask Mr. Winston to take that risk.

As much as it would be throw-back cool to see Winston play in both the Major Leagues and the NFL, unless his role in one of those leagues doesn't involve throwing, there is no way that's going to happen.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Phillies Are Petty

Apparently, after drafting but failing to sign a couple of college players, the Philadelphia Phillies reported the players to the NCAA for, gasp, using an agent during negotiations. Really?

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Great Moments in Human History

The year was 1834. Jonathan O'Mallory, a hulking young man at 5'6" (it was 1834 after all) refused to join his father in the family business when he came of age. "I'm going to be rich beyond imagination," the young O'Mallory would explain.

"How?" his father protested.

O'Mallory had no discernible marketable abilities. He couldn't blacksmith, or cobble, or trade in general. He had absolutely no desire or intention to make any civic contribution whatsoever. But O'Mallory had a dream.

"You see this ball?" he would retort at his father. "I can throw this ball faster than anyone else in town. The whole town. And I'm going to throw this ball at a target, about 60 feet away. People will come from far and near, and they'll pay me. Hundreds!" (Still 1834).

"You're going to die, son," responded his father. "Starve to death and die."

Little did the senior O'Mallory know, however, that his son had just altered the course of human history, establishing the base principles for every professional sport ever. Today, in an era where it is finally socially unacceptable to even joke that a pitcher received too much money after being given a $155 million contract, we salute you young O'Mallory. Don't let anyone tell you you can't be paid handsomely for throwing a ball.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Why Are We Talking About This?

By now you've probably read John Harper's column detailing Kevin Long's views on Cano (which are largely positive) and Long's attempts to get him to leg out automatic outs. When I first read it, I thought to write a post about it but ultimately didn't feel like it was worth it. He plays for the Mariners now, so who cares?

Now that Long's comments have been addressed by Seattle Manager Lloyd McClendon and have thus continued to enjoy the light of day, I thought I would point out how incredibly petty it is that anyone is still talking about this.

Running out grounders? Really? Who cares?! Cano was our best player on both sides of the ball and I cannot think of a single game where I thought to myself, "man, we would've won today if only Cano had run out that ground ball." He's now Seattle's best hitter and defender, and so whether he runs out grounders has almost nothing to do with us.

Increasingly, the Cano running out grounders obsession is the Yankeedom equivalent of fans of other teams pointing out how limited Jeter's range in the field is. Yes, Jeter has not had great range for some time, but I can't think of too many games (none, in fact) where I thought to myself, "man, if Jeter could range three more feet to his left, we would've won that game."

You know what Jeter does? Play baseball consistently well. You know what Cano does? Play baseball consistently well.

If Cano routinely jogged out potential stand up doubles, then I agree that there would be cause for disappointment. Last year, anyways, he's not on the team anymore. Also, he led the team in doubles in 2013, so there's that.

I get that nothing is happening with this team right now but that baseball writers for New York publications nonetheless have to write about something. I get that there are only so many stories you can write about Masahiro Tanaka wearing a surgical mask to the airport before you start to sound racist. But come on, the whole Cano thing is steeped in racism, and regardless, is completely stupid.

How many games did you want Cano sat because of his lack of running out grounders? None? Then STFU already!

Things To Look Forward To

With the fresh crack of wooden bats at the minor league complex, we have the first sign that spring is in the air.  Not in the northeast mind you.  Up here, we're still digging ourselves out of the most recent snow storm, and have a few more inches coming our way.  But down south, it's time for baseball.  With the advent of spring training, we can now look forward to a month and a half worth of baseless predictions.  So to get the season started early, here is the list of RJG's baseless predictions:

Carlos Beltran - Beltran will hit 30 homeruns.  However, 28 of them will be in the postseason.

Michael Pineda - Pineda returns to form as a power pitcher, only by then he's been traded, because he doesn't fit the Yankees recent team building strategy of investing in older players past their prime. 

Ichiro Suzuki - Traded?  No.  Suzuki becomes Jeter's backup at short revealing his true baseball genius.  Suzuki also reveals that he's been a power hitter all along, but hid it out of fear of making A-Rod feel insecure. 

Derek Jeter - Jeter will win an MVP, a gold glove, and a silver slugger all while leading the team to a championship.  His speech before the first division series game to his teammates will cause hearts to stir, and sets the team on fire.  Beltran, who has hit 2 homeruns all season, is so inspired, that he hits nothing but homeruns for the rest of the postseason.  Jeter's intangible rating goes through the roof.

So there you have it.  Four predictions that give us plenty to look forward to.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Whose Gangster Are We Going to Respect Now?

$#!% balls! Derek Jeter has officially announced his retirement after the 2014 season. Like most people, our first thoughts turned to what would happen to this blog. Would we continue to respect Jeter's gangster? Would we have to choose some other Yankee icon, like Beltran, and respect his gangster?

First, let me assure you, the concerned public, that we will continue to respect Jeter's gangster in 2015 and beyond. This will mean changes, however. While you can expect our timely and increasingly less daily coverage to continue, it will probably be focused on upcoming publishing deals, book releases, Oprah Book Club meetings, Oprah Book of the Month announcements, and whatever Ellen does with books now.

It goes without saying that Jeter's announcement, though a complete and utter shock, comes as little surprise. And while that sentence doesn't seem to make any sense, calling into question the very purpose of grammar, we all know exactly what it means. We knew this was coming, we just weren't ready for it.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Tanaka Fields Tough Questions in Introductory Press Conference

Japanese pitching phenom Masahiro Tanaka was formally introduced at a Yankee Stadium press conferences, fielding a series of what can only be called 'gotcha' questions from the relentless New York media.

Tanaka stumbled at times as he tried to answer questions about his first trip to New York as a high school student, his brief phone conversation with Hideki Matsui, and whether he looked forward to the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry. Tanaka was also asked about the larger balls he would encounter in the Majors, to which Tanaka responded with two uninterrupted minutes of giggling, which I can only assume was nervous in nature.

Now that he's been formally introduced, Tanaka will be expected to deliver a championship. By himself. Last year. Technically he did that, but not for the Yankees, so he's clearly got some catching up to do in the eyes of the fans.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014


Curt Schilling has cancer. Here's to one match-up we all hope he wins. Go get 'em Curt!

Robertson Bullied by Teammates

At the recent BBWAA dinner in New York, Dave Robertson was approached by former teammate and baseball legend Mariano Rivera and asked, "You scared?"

Robertson wasn't sure where the question was headed, but he realizes now that indeed he should have been scared.

"Mo then grabbed my wrists," explained a sobbing Robertson. "He started hitting me in the face with my hands and saying, 'why are you hitting yourself?' Then he was all, 'give me your lunch money!' When I told him I wasn't carrying any money he was like, 'ha ha, you get free lunch 'cause you're poor.' Then he got on his iPhone and started leaving nasty messages on my Facebook wall. I was getting those notifications all night. It really ruined the dinner."

Reached for comment by RJG, Rivera had only one thing to say: "You scared?"

Yes, Mo, we're all scared.