Lots To Report!

Its been a while since we've last updated, but there was a reason for that. My brother and I were hanging out in the RJG head quarters when we got a frantic phone call from Brian Cashman telling us that Roger Clemens was on his way to our office with a shotgun because he found out that we had leaked his performance drug use to the public. We quickly ran into our safe room, and locked the doors behind us, turning on the video camera's to scout the area. As we did, we did not see Clemens, but we did see Brian Cashman walking over to an extension cord that extended from our headquarters into his apartment where we've been stealing his electricity to power our offices for the last couple years. He then unplugged it. We sat locked in the safe room in darkness, and it was about then that we realized that we hadn't leaked the Clemens PED use to the public, it was Brian McNamee. Ironically enough, Brian McNamee was the only one who responded to our SOS plea's as he is an amateur morse code enthusiast. So are we, which meant that for the first few days we were sending out morse code to the beat of Party Rock, which no one responded to. Luckily, the safe room does have flash lights and Guinness, which meant it wasn't waisted time. But now that we're out, here's what has occured in our absence:

Mariano Rivera has said that he will retire after this year. What this means is that a lot of focus will be placed on Dave Robertson and Rafael Soriano. Robertson is a better pitcher, but Soriano makes closer money so that will be a tough call for the Yankees. In the meantime, I'll be praying for a change in heart, and that Mariano Rivera will return to be our closer forever.

AJ Burnett has been traded to the Pirates freeing up $13 million off the Yankees payroll, which they then turned around into two contracts for Raul Ibanez ($1.1 million) and Eric Chavez ($900,000). Incentives could bring those deals higher, but the truth is, the age of throwing money at all our problems may actually be over. To think that the Yankees had enough restraint to free up $13 million before committing $2 million to two players is bizarre. I don't like it. It makes me want to buy something expensive on my credit card just to set it on fire. Burnett had his good moments in pinstripes, but he also had bad ones, and the bad were the most memorable. But he was an integral piece in that 2009 championship run, so we can't be too disappointed in how that deal turned out. It wasn't a good deal when they made it, and time just proved that to be true. Kind of like the A-Rod deal.

Lastly, and most importantly, spring training has officially begun! There isn't too much to figure out this spring training. We have 6 starters for 5 jobs, so that will have to get worked out, and you always hope that some prospect will knock the screws off the balls, revealing that one of our pitchers has been putting screws in the baseballs, and starting a new controversy. Mostly, I'm just interested to see how Pineda, Nova and Hughes do this year, and how well Kuroda will adjust to the American League East. Time will tell! Baseball is here!

The Market for AJ Burnett Expands

According to the Lohud Blog the Indians and Angels are now in the mix for AJ Burnett, with the Indians willing to deal Travis Hafner to fill our hole at DH, and the Angels potentially willing to deal one of their excess outfielders for the same role. This puts us at the RJG in a strange position. All year we've been sarcastically joking that there was a market for Burnett. Now there actually is a market for Burnett. Its no longer a joke, which makes us a credible source for actual news, which completely counters our entire business model. As we begin to reorganize all our assets at the RJG, we would like to mention that the Angels are apparently on Burnett's partial No Trade list, which makes them an unlikely landing spot. The one thing I will say is that its at least looking promising. Kind of like the previews for the Avengers, and much like the Avengers, this better not disappoint.

RJG Addresses the Burnett Trade Rumors

This week saw rumors emerge that the Yankees were actively shopping Burnett on the trade market. Apparently, the Yankees front office even went as far as to call a second GM Winter's Metting, a move quickly blocked by Mud Selig (ha ha, see what I did there?) and those jerks over at MLB.

The RJG phones have been ringing off the hook. Everyone from beat writers, to nationally syndicated sports columnists, to foreign emissaries wants to know what our take on the rumors are. I would describe it this way: subdued enthusiasm.

RJG enthusiastically supports trading AJ Burnett, but not until after April (we need those six wins). We are subdued, however, because we've been hurt before. Think of every player you ever thought the Yankees should trade because they sucked. We thought they should be traded too, but they weren't. The problem is that the rest of the baseball world also thought that player sucked. It's the Yankees' fault really. They keep running these guys out there where their suck can be viewed by just about anyone. Selling AJ might be hard. Selling AJ for a legitimate bat may be impossible. Hence, subdued enthusiasm.

Yanks Continue to Fill Out Roster

The Yankees have signed Bill Hall to a minor league contract and invited him to Spring Training. Yankees fans will best remember Hall from that last sentence. The Yankees may also be close to landing Raul Ibanez. Ibanez would give the Yanks the left handed bat they lost when they let go of Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui. Not overpaying them for their decline years now seems like a big mistake. Admit it.

Giants Win! Now About a DH...

Congratulations to the New York Giants and specifically to Eli Manning who seems to be seen as the little brother of an elite quarterback as opposed to an elite quarterback in his own right. People seemed surprised when Eli said that he saw himself in the same category as Brady. Now he's beaten Brady twice in the superbowl, and this time it didn't require a miraculous catch. That being said, the football season is now over, and despite the dissapointment of a weak lineup of superbowl commercials, it was an entertaining game to watch. Now, we look forward to baseball season, and therefore we must revisit the signing of a DH. The Yankees want a left-handed DH, and the available candidates are Matsui, Damon and Raul Ibanez. I've advocated we let Jorge Vazquez compete for the spot, because the Yankees are suddenly concerned about their payroll, and he's a very cheap option. However, he's right handed. So what's your pick: go cheap and right-handed or spend money and go left-handed?

RJG Solves the DH Problem

Recently, we here at RJG had a stroke of pure genius as to how the Yanks might address their DH needs. We immediately called good friend of the blog, Brian Cashman, in order to explain our exciting new idea. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

BC: Hello?

RJG: Bronny! [Strained attempts at breathing]. It's the boys over at RJG. [More desperate gasps]. How ya doin'?

BC: Fine. Why are you breathing so hard?

RJG: #@$% . . . Dialing . . . Phone . . . $#!% I'm out of shape!

BC: Do you need something?

RJG: Yeah. We figured out the solution to your DH needs.

BC: Well I always welcome unsolicited advice from semi-knowledgeable members of the public.

RJG: Sarcasm noted. Okay, here's what you do. You call up Seattle, note their deficit of pitching, buttressed only by the insecurity of some blue chip double A prospects, and offer them Burnett, and or Hughes for Jesus Montero. Problem solved. You're welcome.

BC: You think Seattle is going to trade us back Montero for Burnett or Hughes?

RJG: No need to thank me. No, seriously, thank me.

BC: That is the craziest trade idea I have ever heard.

RJG: You once traded for Randy Johnson.

BC: That was unusually mean-spirited.

RJG: So are you going to trade for Montero?

BC: I don't think Seattle will go for that.

RJG: But you haven't even tried it yet!

BC: Is there something else you'd like to talk about?

RJG: Um, uh, well, you know how cell phones come with instruction manuals, and it's like, um, hello? Who doesn't know how to use a phone? Totally.

BC: Well actually, today's smart phones are increasingly complex instruments that undergo frequent technological transformations. An instruction manual is probably warranted.

RJG: #@$% you, Brian Cashman.

[Click]

There you have it folks. The Yankees continue their pursuit of a left-handed bat to occupy the currently vacant DH role.

Teixeira Threatens to Bunt

Teixeira, in an effort to raise his batting average to pre-Yankees levels and to fend off the shift that often neutralizes his pull-happy swing, is suggesting he will bunt more. Of course, with Teixeira's raw power, most of those bunts will reach the left field wall, good for a single considering Teixeira's raw speed. Maybe. Maybe a single. Here's the thing, when you run like you're on crutches, only the crutches broke and you broke your collar bone upon hitting the ground, bunting isn't really your friend. Neither is running. You more or less have to accept that 'light jog' is all evolution really designed you to do. Okay, 'lumbering jog', but still. If Teixeira wants to beat the shift, he may have to consider going the opposite way, which for Teixeira means walking instead of striking out or hitting into the shift. Good luck young-ish man.

Hal's Salary Limit

With the recent indication from Brian Cashman that there isn't enough money in the budget for a DH, we at the RJG decided it was time to go over the GM to the man with the financial plan, Hal Steinbrenner. In this exclusive interview, Hal explains the reason for his salary limits, and why a DH will need to be sought through trades or within the organization.

RJG: Hal, thanks for taking the time to speak to us.

HS: Not a problem.

RJG: So as we're almost 2 weeks away from spring training, the Yankees largest need is a designated hitter. Why haven't the Yankees been more aggressive in trying to sign a player?

HS: The truth is, we've spent money for too long, we're trying to build smarter, not richer.

RJG: It sounds like you've decided to stick to a salary cap. How did you come to this decision?

HS: In order to explain how we came to this decision, I need to start from the very beginning.

RJG: The beginning being when you first took over the Yankees?

HS: No, I'm talking about High School.

RJG: Okay.

HS: You see, Back in my teenage years I felt alone, sad, exiled. I lived life in constant fear. At this point Skynet had just become self-aware and Terminators were quickly flooding the earth, enslaving humanity.

RJG: Skynet?

HS: Don't interupt. Everyone I knew had been killed by machines that were designed for massacring humans. I learned quickly to make explosives out of car mufflers, paperclips, duck tape, and copious amounts of dynamite. But what happened after that became rather disturbing. I found myself killing Terminators...and enjoying it, savoring every portion of their death, from the first electric spark to the final dimming and snuffing out of their red Terminator eyes. They used to beg me for mercy. Asking me to stop. But I couldn't stop. I developed serial killer tendencies, targeting certain traits in Terminators, mainly those with SKU numbers that began with 0485. The Terminators began sending out memo's asking other Terminators to walk in pairs at night, and lock their Terminator house doors when they powered down for the evening. There was one particular evening where I found myself repeatedly jabbing a magnet sharpened into a shank into a Terminator, when I realized, is this all there is to life? I went back to the human resistance to see if I could join them, but they rejected me. It was like high school all over again. They said all the same things my classmates used to “You're weird!”, “You're not welcome here!”, “Stop drinking the mercury in our thermometers!” Nothing had changed. In my desperation I turned to the only book I knew that would have all the answers: The Art of War by Sun Tzu. After power reading through it in its original language, I realized that I was getting no where. I needed something new. I still had the undesirable urge to murder Terminators with SKU numbers beginning with 0485, and the serial tendencies were evolving. I started dressing up the Terminators in blond wigs, and tangoing with them to show tunes, before killing them. I was really starting to lose it. Battling those urges, plus an addiction to mercury, I finally turned to the only other person who had answers: Oprah. I got a new minivan, and a subscription to O, but really no answers.

RJG: Hold on, what does any of this have to do with your budget?

HS: I'm getting there. Around that time, I remembered the saying so popular in post-apocalyptic human culture: “Its always darkest before the dawn.” Attempting to test this statement, I stayed up all night and measured darkness levels before dawn.

RJG: How do you measure darkness levels?

HS: You hold up a glass of Guinness to the sky, and compare them side-to-side. Anyways, while I was taking my scientific measurements, I realized that maybe Billy Beane was right. You can't buy championships. Nevermind that we've done it since the 1920's, maybe we can build a winning team with a payroll under $200 million. So you see, there is more to life than serial killing terminators.

RJG: (Silence)

HS: (Content Smile)

-Transcript Over-

One Time, I Fought A Monkey

It is being reported that Bud Selig is now to decide the compensation to the Red Sox for Theo Epstein's departure to the Cubs. First of all, I don't see how Bud Selig is qualified to make this determination, but I am, because, one time, I fought a monkey. Bud Selig is a well-known monkey-dodger, so I should make the final decision about the Red Sox's compensation.

Admittedly, it's complicated. The Sox lost their beloved GM, a man who brought two World Series to the franchise (even if neither of them counted since Big Papi and Manny were roid raging the whole time). How do you make up for the crushing loss of an executive who no longer wants to work for you? Normally, you hire someone else, preferably at a much lower salary, which the Red Sox did, but still they want more.

What should they get for saving money on executive payroll? Matt Garza? No. But I got the perfect solution: Alfonso Soriano. The Sox have the extra money, especially since they haven't done anything all off-season, so they should get Soriano. The guy can still hit for power, against minor, I mean National League pitching so he still brings something to the table. Plus, he allows the Sox to put their extra money to good use. I think this is the fairest solution possible.

Its Time to Give Him a Shot

So the Yankees are looking for a DH, but do not want to spend money on one. Instead, Cashman would prefer to trade some of his excess pitching for an extra bat. Now, we absolutely could do that, or we could finally give Jorge Vazquez a shot in the bigs. I know the Yankees don't believe he can do what he did in the minors at the big league level, but that being said, he hit very well at the minor league level. Vazquez hit .262 with 32 homeruns and 93 RBI's in 455 at bats in Scranton. That should at least merit a major league 30-day free trial in the month of April. The amazing thing about prospects is that you can send them back where they came from if they don't work out. This doesn't address the problem of excess pitching. Right now our rotation pieces include Sabathia, Burnett, Nova, Kuroda, Hughes, Pineda, Garcia with the killer B's waiting in the wings. Burnett and Hughes will probably be the first to be considered for the bullpen. Hughes more than Burnett since the Yankees consider $16.5 million for a reliever not named Rafael Soriano to be a bit much. But truth be told, excess pitching has a way of solving itself. Injuries happen, inconsistancy happens, and suddenly your 7 starters a trimmed down to 5.