RJG, The Movie: Scene 2

[Roberto and Fernando are driving around in a car.  It's a nice day out, but the mood inside the vehicle is far less sunny.]

R: Where are we going?

F: It's a company outing.  You'll see.  It's going to be fun.

R: Well, it's already loads of not fun, and half the company isn't even here!

F: They're going to meet us there.

R: Then why did Bucky just text asking where the hell we are?!

F: Bucky said 'hell'?  That's not like him!

R: Of course he didn't say 'hell'.  I cleaned it up for you.

F: That wasn't that clean even.

R: You didn't see the original text message.

F: Fair enough.

R: So where are we going?

F: Are you really going to do this the whole way there?

R: Not if you just tell me where we're going!

F: Fine, I'm taking you home.

R: Why are you taking me home?!

F: You're being suspended for five days.  No blogging activities.

R: What?! Is this because my posts have become too funny again?!

F: No, it's because you said you loved Fidel Castro.  

R: He buys me nice things.

F: Yeah, but when you're asked a non-blogging question and answer it honestly you have to deal with the blogging related consequences.

R: Wouldn't it be easier if, as the owner of the blog, you just stood up for me and said this "controversy" has nothing to do with blogging?

F: It's not that simple; I have potential advertisers to appease.  

R: What potential advertisers? 

F: Advertisers!

R: This is bull$#!%.  

F: This is business.

R: Curt Schilling never once got in any baseball related trouble for constantly proclaiming his love for a president that a not insignificant portion of the population of the state in which he played hated.  I guess when your name is Roberto Alejandro you can't have political opinions though.  Too uppity.  

F: That has nothing to do with it!  I resent the implications of that statement.

R: I resent your face.  Well, not your face so much, but the having to look at it.

F: Well, I resent your face!

R: Words hurt, you know?!

F: Your face hurts.

[The car comes to a stop at a red light.  A single tear rolls down Roberto's cheek.  Fade.]

First Win!

The Good

We won our first game of the season, always a plus. Nova went 7 innings giving up only 2 runs, and Robertson and Rivera finished off the game with a pair scoreless innings. Derek Jeter, the man whose gangster is respected on this blog, went 4-4 showing that he wasn't aging last year, he was simply going through a process of rebirth, much like a phoenix, the outcome of which will be the start of a new career playing well into his 40's. You heard it here first.

Andruw Jones who is attempting to win an everyday job went 1-2 with a walk and a homerun. Not a bad start to his quest to unseat Gardner. Not to be outdone, Gardner replaced Jones, also went 1 for 2, and stole a base. Your move Jones.

The Bad

Though Jones landed the first blow against Father Time, aging counter part Alex Rodriguez seems to be getting rocked by the old man. Another 0-4 night where he left 5 men on bases is not how A-Rod wanted to start this season. However, this is only the 4th game and A-Rod has vowed to bring the ruckus!

The Ugly

Martin and Orioles player Robert Andino got into an argument in which Martin accused Andino of stealing signs. We at the RJG learned that they weren't talking about baseball signs, but were arguing about Signs the M.Night Shyamalan movie, which Martin had let Andino borrow last season. The argument went like this:

Martin: "I said you could borrow it, I didn't say you could have it!"

Andino: "I'm doing you a favor! This movie's awful!"

Martin: "Then why would you keep it!"

Andino: "Truth is, I still don't get the ending. Did aliens whose only weakness is water, really not think that taking over a planet that is three-quarters water would be a problem?"

Martin: "Yeah, we don't even need an army. Just a bunch of kids with Super Soakers."

Andino: "Do they even still make Super Soakers?"

Martin: "Shut your face up!"

It was ugly.

RJG is the Place to Be...For the Children

A homerun by Jones dropped $2 to the CHF, which is just enough to pay a doctor to blink.

Raul Ibanez 1hr = $2
Nick Swisher 1hr = $2
Andruw Jones 1hr = $2

Total 3hr = $6

Yankees Swept Pretty Handily

The Good

After 2 terrible starts by Sabathia and Kuroda, Phil Hughes stepped up by limiting the Rays to 2 runs over 4.2 innings. Numbers that would impress most any long releiver in the majors.
Phelps had a strong debut, and Corey Wade continued his dominant recovery from his lackluster Spring, recording 2 strike outs in 1 inning.

The Bad

3. It was the Bambino's jersey number. Its also the number of hits the entire Yankee team had yesterday.

The Ugly

After the game, some started questioning Joe Maddon's decision to have Hellickson start the 9th inning even though he already had 100 pitches. Maddon said that after running the numbers, and checking them twice, he concluded that the Yankees just could't hit Hellickson, so he stuck with him. Hard to argue that.

Respect Jeter's Gangster is STILL for the Children

The Respect Jeter's Gangster blog will once again pledge to give $2 for every homerun the Yankees hit this season. Even if they still get swept while hitting them.

Raul Ibanez 1hr = $2
Nick Swisher 1hr = $2

Total 2hr = $4

Yankees Drop Opening Series

The Good

Kuroda was drunk, so this was not necessarily representative of his pitching ability.

The Bad

Kuroda was pretty bad today; Nunez didn't exactly help. Kuroda gave up six runs, four earned. The other two were earned by Nunez, who now has a 2.25 ERA. That's still better, however, than Kuroda's 6.35 ERA, so some rotation decisions may have to be made soon.

The Ugly

Twenty-seven. Yes, that is the number of Yankees championships. But it is also Clay Rapada's ERA. His ERA is so high, it failed MLB's random drug testing and is now faced with a suspension and mandatory rehab.

Yankees Drop Opener

The Good

The offense finally came to life. After a dismal playoff performance last October, the Yankees finally figured out how to hit. It only took six months!

The Bad

Walking Rodriguez to load the bases and pitch to Carlos Pena was bad. CC was pretty bad for the first few innings. The Trop is still awful. This month's jobs report was still bad. Steve Jobs died. That's bad, especially if you're Steve Jobs. Man, blogging about the Yankees is starting to get really depressing.

The Ugly

In an alternate reality, where athlete's public statements accurately reflect our sports-crazed culture, Mo's post game interview with beat reporters sounded something like this:

"Today, I don't do my job. Sometimes you don't do your job. Sometimes you blog, or tweet, or check email, instead of writing your articles. The difference is, when I don't do my job, the Yankees lose. That means, my life matters and yours doesn't."

Over Managing

Intentionally walking Sean Rodriguez to pitch to slugger Carlos Pena? What was Girardi thinking?

The RJG Movie

There is a tradition of great baseball movies in America, but not great baseball blogging movies. Now that has finally changed. We here at RJG have developed a script for the next great baseball blogging movie. It's like a cross between 'The Social Network' and 'Field of Dreams'. It's awesome. Here is a sneak peak:


Scene 1

[The RJG guys are sitting in the office. Fernando is typing furiously at his computer. He's not typing fast, he's furious and typing. RJG Head of Security, Bucky the Bear is really bored. He's throwing his loaded gun up in the air and catching it to pass the time. Roberto is busy reading all the day's sports coverage that he will soon ignore in making up his next post. Deron Peter is passed out in the corner. Brad Pitt and Archbishop Desmond Tutu walk into the office]

Brad: Hey guys, I just got cast to play Billy Beane, a nerd who uses math to build unsuccessful baseball teams and then convince everyone he's revolutionized the game. I'd ask you guys for help in preparing for the role, but you're too cool to know what being a nerd is like. Also, you're all far better looking than me.

Desmond: Yeah. Also, you're all far more successful at world peace than I am. Remember that.

Fernando: You are both wise and honest. Go in peace.

Desmond: World peace.

Roberto: Right.

Brad: Can I hang out with you guys?

[Deron groans in the corner]

Bucky: Oh man, we would, but we're super busy today. Lots of news to cover. Somebody threw a bullpen and some aging player got signed as minor league depth and . . . you know how it is.

Brad: [holding back tears] Yeah, I do.

[Brad and Desmond leave the office.]

Roberto: Is it me, or is he getting needier?

Fernando: Way needier.

Bucky: He is way too needy.

[Deron groans in the corner]

Roberto: [Pointing at Deron] Is he dead?

[Cut to black screen with large bold letters that read: RJG, The Movie.]

RJG on Recent Baseball Trends

Every so often, an idea comes along that revolutionizes the way the game is played. Doctoring the ball, greenies, revenue sharing, steroids, money ball. All of these represent attempts to rethink the way baseball is played, understood, managed, consumed.

This Spring, with a tough steroid drug testing program in place, and HGH testing on the way, players have taken the initiative, once again, to reinvent the game.

"I was trying to think, 'What can I do different? What hasn't been done before?'" explained AJ Burnett of the Pittsburgh Pirates. "I wanted to play the game in a way nobody else has before, but as a pitcher, I'm limited. I mean, I already use pretty much all of my body in the pitching motion. But then it hit me! I use pretty much all of my body to play baseball, except my face. That's like a good 10% of my body that is underutilized. I couldn't really use my face much for pitching, but now that I'm in the NL, I could use it for hitting!"

Other players soon followed suit. "When I saw what AJ was trying to do, I was inspired," explained Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers. "I mean, if he can hit with his face, maybe I can use my face more too. I don't move so great, but I can throw my face in front of incoming balls. Why are you laughing?"

So far the experiments have not yielded great results. "I'm not sure I executed what I was trying to do properly," explained Burnett. "In two months, we'll try it again. Who has a low pitching IQ now?!"

Cabrera, however, seems less inclined to revisit the matter. "The doctor's said I have to stop using my face to catch balls. Seriously, what is so funny?!"

RJG Speaks With The Cash Man

Every now and again, we here at RJG call up old friend of the blog, Brian Cashman, to get his personal insight into the current state of the Yankees. With the rotation decision less than a week away, and meaningful baseball not far behind, we thought it time to check in once more with the heralded--by stalkers, but still--GM. The following is a transcript of our conversation.


BC: Yes, Bronny speaking?

RJG: You're calling yourself that now?

BC: No! Pfff, as if! Whatever, man.

RJG: That was weird. Anyway, about the rotation.

BC: I can't keep explaining to you guys how day turns to night.

RJG: I'm not talking about that rotation, though I wish you'd just admit that your little 'theory' is nothing more than a scientific hoax. I'm talking about the starting staff for O-twelve.

BC: I can't really discuss that right now. There's just too much going on.

RJG: Oh, cause Joba got hurt?

BC: No, not that.

RJG: That's the only thing going on.

BC: I have other things on my mind right now, things you wouldn't understand.

RJG: Try me.

BC: Alright, but pay attention and try to keep up. You know the movie, Star Wars?

RJG: Yeah.

BC: Okay, you know when the Millennium Falcon first docks in the Death Star hangar bay, after getting pulled in by the tractor beam?

RJG: Yeah.

BC: They send two storm troopers to check the ship, which they find empty then leave. That's when Han Solo and company pop out of the secret compartments he uses for smuggling.

RJG: Why is this troubling you?

BC: Because, next they send two guys with scanning equipment who presumably get housed. Then, you hear Han ask the two storm troopers guarding the ship for some assistance. The troopers run up, you hear a laser shot, and next thing you know, Han and Luke exit the Falcon in the uniforms of the aforementioned storm troopers.

RJG: So?

BC: So?! So what happens to the four people they just disposed of?! Were these bodies decomposing in secret compartments for a remaining two and a half movies?! When Lando got to pilot the Falcon, in Jedi, was he sitting around like, 'What the #$%&@ is that smell?' I feel like this is a major hole in the plot!

RJG: This doesn't seem to have anything to do with the plot at all.

BC: Have you even seen, Star Wars?

RJG: Yes! Pfff, as if! Whatever, man.

BC: That's what I thought.

RJG: Well your personal life is all over the news.

BC: Well you're talking to yourself.

[Click]

RJG: Whataya mean I'm talking to myself? Hello? Bronny? &@*% it!


There you have it folks, the Yankees feel good about their rotation for the upcoming season.

Rotation Decisions Forthcoming

In the next few days Girardi has said that he will release his rotation decisions. Being the investigative reporters that we are we had no choice but to toe the line of unethical behavior and acquire the unreleased rotation list. This mission was the hardest thing we had ever done.

I approached Girardi in the clubhouse under the pretense of asking him about Joba's ankle injury, but in his hand was the briefcase that our sources confirmed had the rotation list. I pulled out my notepad as if I was going to take notes on his answers, but Girardi knew something was up, and made a mad dash for the door! How could I be so stupid!? I never take notes, I always make up their answers. I chased him into the parking lot where he hopped into a car that was waiting for him. I jumped into my car and chased him through the city weaving in and out of traffic, and onto the free way, but he was more equiped than I. Popping the trunk of his car a giant container of oil spilled out as I was right on his tail. My car spun on the slick surface and crashed into a ditch. Girardi flicked his cigar onto the oily road sending a trail of flames heading straight for my car! My gas tank ignited and my car exploded into a glorious array of metal and fire, but I wasn't dead. I had slipped out through the trap door in my Hyundai that I keep for moments just like this. But since Girardi thought I was dead, I had a distinct advantage. I called my sources and found out that Girardi was heading to the airport. I beat him there, bought myself a ticket and planned to confront him in the terminal. As I waited for him, I pulled out my notepad and flipped through the empty pages, passing the time, until I came across a page that read "Boom!". As I pondered the implications of such an ominous message, a flight attendant hurled a briefcase from across the terminal yelling "Rotate this!". The briefcase landed at my feet. I jumped at a trash can, flipped it over and covered the briefcase to absorb the explosion, but at that moment I was jumped by airport security. In the scuffle, the briefcase detonated, and I hid myself in the smoke, broke through the security door and ran out onto the tarmac, just in time to see an airplane taking off, with Girardi in the window, giving me the finger. It was quite clever.

But my sources are good, and I found where he was headed. Hiding in the back seat of his car, I waited for Girardi. The moment finally came, Girardi arrived and began driving home, but I jumped out and we began a scuffle. We traded blows and tumbled about, rolling right out of the drivers side door and onto the pavement where we continued the fight as his Jeep crashed into a Panera. But as we fought a mack truck passed by and Girardi grabbed ahold of the door, making his escape! He stared me down as the truck drove off holding the rotation list up in his hand in a mocking manner, but the joke was on him. In the scuffle I had switched rotation lists. The list in his hand was a list of Wu-Tang clan members. So long story short, here's the rotation:

CC Sabathia
Hiroki Kuroda
Michael Pineda
Ivan Nova
Freddy Garcia