Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Sammy Sosa Tests Positive, Barry Bonds Shocked

It has recently been reported that Sammy Sosa tested positive for a performance enhancer in 2003. While the sports world has largely given it a "yeah, I thought you knew" kind of response, one fan of the game has been devastated by the news.

"When Sosa and McGwire were going on their homerun chase, it was the greatest moment in baseball." Explained former Giants outfielder Barry Bonds. "Sosa was my hero. The last true, and pure hope of the homerun era. Just like me."

Bonds' felt particularly hurt by the news since it tainted so many of Sosa's accomplishments.

"It just hurts you know? Sosa and McGwire motivated me to get into shape and break their homerun record. Only I did it with hard work, flax seed oil, flintstone vitamins, vitamin B shots, and creatine. Sosa did it with performance enhancers and that just taints everything he did. Its a shame since he really motivated me to believe in my dreams, and shoot for the stars."

Though some may argue that that wasn't the only thing Bonds was shooting, the former prolific slugger has yet to test positive for PED's, at least not to the knowledge of anyone outside of a grand jury and those who the leak of said grand jury hasn't reached.

"Look, its a fact of human biology that you grow freakishly strong with age. Its how we live to be 70 or 80. At 40 is when the human body really peaks in physical growth and performance."

"I get my info from doctors." Bonds said as he handed us a pamphlet. "This pamphlet was written by Doctor Joseph Conseco. MD. Put that on your blog (expletive deleted)!"

So Bonds was very shocked by this report even though no one else was. We'll see what impact this has on PED users who are revealed in the near future.

1 comment:

Raven King said...

Truth be told, I really think Alex should start using Boli(or Bole?) again.