Tuesday, March 2, 2010

A-Rod Meets With Federal Investigators

Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez is meeting with federal investigators over a Canadian doctor who has been connected to PED use. Though Alex could not say much to the media about this on going investigation, we at the Respect Jeter's Gangster blog were able to attain a copy of the recorded interview from the Feds. The following is a transcribed segment of the interview:

Fed 1: Tell us what you know about Doctor Tony Galea.

A-Rod: He's a Canadian doctor linked to performance enhancers.

Fed 1: What kinds are we talking about?

A-Rod: Word on the street is that Tony is dealing in heavy stuff. Enriched steroidium and stuff like that. There's one thing he's working on that's truly terrifying. It would create an army of super humans capable of competing at the highest levels possible. We're not talking about enhancing humans anymore, we're talking about super humans. Like if Wolverine and Superman had a baby together, that's what these humans would be like.

Fed 1: Could Wolverine and Superman have a baby together, that seems flawed?

A-Rod: I didn't mean it literally, obviously one would have to be a woman for that to work.

Fed 1: No, I meant that I just don't see them really falling in love you know? I don't think that relationship would work. Like Wolverine is kind of surly and mean, and Superman is more of your typical hero type. They're from different planets, and their upbringing was totally different. I mean, what do they have in common?

Fed 2: Actually, they're both hero's so they could have that in common.

Fed 1: But it doesn't take away from the fact that their personalities wouldn't match, and the obvious problem that their both male, and can't reproduce.

Fed 2: Wait, are you saying that Superman is sterile?

A-Rod: Guys, it was just an analogy. If its better for you think Wolverine and Wonder Woman.

Fed 1: I don't see that working either. Wonder Woman wouldn't put up with his attitudes all the time, and she has that lasso of truth...

Fed 2: Hold on, where did you get that Superman was sterile? I never read that.

A-Rod: I think you two are getting caught up in the analogy too much, I'm just saying that its an incredible super human thats being created here.

Fed 1: It would be easier for me if we matched Superman and Wonder Woman.

A-Rod: Fine. Superman and Wonder Woman's child is what Tony's working on.

Fed 2: But you just said Superman couldn't have babies. The analogy still doesn't work.

Fed 1: No, Superman can have babies.

Fed 2: So Wolverine is sterile?

A-Rod: Guys, you're missing the point.

Fed 1: No wait, I think we should explore this. Have we ever seen Wolverine have babies? And how old is he? 150 or something? 150 and never had a child?

A-Rod: Forget Wolverine! Were talking about Doctor Galea. We're settling on Superman and Wonder Woman, and in this analogy Superman and Wonder Woman are both capable of producing children.

Fed 2: When you say they're both capable of producing children, do you mean like in a lab?

Fed 1: Yeah, is Tony Galea cloning humans? We may need to move on this quicker than we thought.

A-Rod: No, he's not cloning humans.

Fed 1: You know you're under oath right? You can't lie to us.

A-Rod: I'm not lieing to you! He's not cloning!

Fed 2: But you said Wolverine was dating Superman, and that wasn't true, was it?

A-Rod: You're really stuck on this analogy.

Fed 2: No, I'm really asking, was it true?

A-Rod: Oh dear.

Fed 1: If Batman and Ironman had a baby together, I suppose it would just be a human right?

A-Rod: I seriously regret using a superhero analogy.

Fed 2: That's a good point. That would be the lamest superhero child ever. He'd be enrolled at like a private schools, and play the violin and crap like that.

Fed 1: Yeah, he'd be a real dork.

Fed 2: But maybe not. If they had a child together we'd have to assume they adopted, since we have the same problem as with Superman and Wolverine.

Fed 1: What if they adopt Superman and Wonder Woman's child, and then Ironman and Batman's child has more superpowers than they do? Like, they would say "Take out the trash." and the child would be like "Make me...humans." and what could they do?

A-Rod: Guys. Focus. Tony Galea, super humans, performance enhancers. Lets get to it.

Fed 1: Does my hair make me look like Jeter?

(End Transcript)

The investigation continues to progress, and we can only hope it will not distract A-Rod from having another succesful year.

10 comments:

Rich Mahogany said...

This is the stuff of legends. Well done.

FWIW, Wolverine and Superman each had kids (just not with each other). The FBI needs to do its homework.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daken

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingdom_Come_(comics)

lady gaganonymous said...

Hahaha!!

Ian O'Connor - he of the "get rid of A-Rod" article prior to 2009, which he promptly deleted off the internet when A-Rod came back and hit that home run off of the first pitch he saw - already wrote an article about how steroids are a "mortal sin." Oh no, now Andy will never go to heaven ;_;

Rich Mahogany said...

Don't worry, Andy took HGH, not steroids. HGH is only worth 100 years in purgatory.

Fernando Alejandro said...

I don't even want to know what enriched steroidium would land you.

Rich Mahogany said...

God doesn't even know about enriched steroidium yet. It's that unnatural.

Angel Fan in Mass said...

Well, Duh! Everyone knows that enriched steroidium is the clear, the cream, HGH, anabolic steroids, andros and (according to Rafael Palmeiro) B-12 shots injected in the butt mixed together. Then it is placed under high heat and pressure (to follow the superhero theme, much like Superman taking a piece of coal and turning it into a diamond with his hands and heat vision). Viola, enriched steriodium.

Go Angels!

Dylan Murphy said...

The most pressing question is, what circle of hell would Dante put A-Rod in?

lady gaganonymous said...

Probably the fourth circle (Avarice and Greed).

And yeah, I always forget the HGH-not-steroids thing. Yay, I'm glad for Andy's soul.

Anonymous said...

This the leak for the next Selena Roberts book?

boston dating said...

FWIW, Wolverine and Superman each had kids (just not with each other). The FBI needs to do its homework.