Friday, November 7, 2008

Deron Peter Reviews . . . Your Mom! Oh Snap!

Deron was a shortstop in the Yankees minor league system back in 1995 when a PED scandal ended his career. He brings an insider’s perspective to our blog.

Now that the season is over it's time for me to write my review. Of course, writing about this season would be pointless since it was over before we even reached August, so I'm writing my review of Old Yankee Stadium instead. Here goes...

The first thing you noticed when you walked into Yankee Stadium, besides the surprisingly lax security guards who seemed to be there primarily to yell "go Yanks," and otherwise for decoration, is just how filthy the place was. I assume they clean it before the season, I'm just not sure what season that was. Maybe the 1992 campaign.

If you're like me, you may have decided to head to the bathroom so you don't miss any of the action later. If this is the case, then you realize how unfortunate it is to require oxygen to live, as nothing would have made me happier than to be able to hold my breath the entire time I was in the Yankee Stadium restrooms. Besides looking as though a couple of the cosmopolitan fans of the Yanks got into a $#!% fight in there, it smelled like that too.

In fairness, we haven't reached our seats yet, and one expects sub par public anything in NYC. You have a different experience depending on where you sit. If you're in the bleachers you're surrounded by drunks from the moment you sit down, as they've been pregaming. If you sit anywhere else you're not surrounded by drunks until at least the third inning, on account of the $9.50 Miller Lite. If you have a bad back, don't sit in the bleachers, because now it's worse. If you like seeing plays in the corners of the outfield, don't sit in the tier seats, because the view of the corner outfield is cut off.

Oh, and if you don't like watching grown men (and I'm talking guys in their 40s here) act like teenagers, just don't go. I know it's hilarious when someone changes the words of "YMCA" to "Why are you gay?", usually directed at an opposing team's fans (whether or not we're playing that team), but sometimes you just want to watch the grounds crew humiliate themselves in peace.

Of course, the real treat of visiting Yankee Stadium is the game on the field. If you went this year, you got to see great athletes play baseball at the highest level, and the Yankees were there too. But let me tell you, if you like popped-up bunts and the inability to score after the fifth inning you got your money's worth. You're also probably a member of the 2008 New York Yankees. They did that a lot. Congratulations Yankee players. You finally got to watch all three rounds of the playoffs from home as opposed to only the last two rounds.

Then on the way out you probably got redirected for no reason by a member of the NYPD to some random exit. Now disoriented, you might go ask an officer for directions, at which point you were probably arrested.

All in visitng the house that Ruth built is a lot like visiting a beloved relative . . . in prison. It's awkward, most everyone around you is intoxicated and frightening, and you just want to get the hell out. Enjoy the new stadium folks, I'm sure you'll have it feeling like the old one in no time.

5 comments:

Fred Trigger said...

only one word can describe this review.......respect.

http://janeheller.mlblogs.com said...

Yikes. It wasn't that bad, was it? OK, so the bathrooms needed Lysol and the security guys were like bouncers. It wasn't the drunk tank that Fenway is. Come on!

Alex said...

I loved the stadium... even though it was pretty filthy (i would avoid going to the bathroom as much as possible) oh and parking was a bitch

Deron Peter said...

Parking wasn't so bad, if you're the 4 train. It's definitely not a great place to drive to. Though based on the drinking I've described it's probably a worse place to drive home.

Deron Peter said...

sorry, that should say "drive from"