Friday, November 16, 2012

Cash Gives Exclusive Interview, Explains Yanks' Strategy

The Yankees seem headed for a winter of discontent, or at least mediocre acquisitions. With such gloom hovering over the future of the team, it was time to fire up the old satellite video phone and call good friend of the blog, Yankees GM Brian Cashman. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

BC: Hello?

RJG: Yes, hello, this is a courtesy call from your electricity provider. Is your refrigerator running?

BC: Um, why yes I believe it is.

RJG: Well [muffled giggling] then you better run after it. [uncontrolled laughter].

BC: Wha?! Huh?! Who is this?! I demand satisfaction!!

RJG: Relax Bronny. You've been drinking again. Why are you letting Toronto show you up so bad?

BC: While I am still furious, I will answer your question. What you have to understand is, the last couple of years have shown what happens when teams not named the Yankees try to throw money at their roster problems. Look at the Miami and Boston fire sales this past season. Toronto is just repeating an age old mistake at least two years old.

RJG: So far that seems a lucid explanation, but how are you going to build your own roster knowing you are facing a $189 million fiscal cliff?

BC: We have to rethink the game, streamline processes, make our roster more efficient.

RJG: Yeah, but you've already got like $150 million dollars wrapped up in seven players for 2014. How do you find a way to spread the remaining money to the rest of the 40-man.

BC: Well, there's a perfect example of an opportunity to rethink the game. 40-man? Why 'man'? Under federal law, if we hire women, we can pay them $.70 on the dollar. Or why '40'? Do we really need '40' players on the roster when you can never have more than nine on the field at a given moment?

RJG: It doesn't seem like you're taking this serious.

BC: Why do we need so many utility infielders? Why do we need so many infielders at all? With today's shifts, do we really need a second baseman? We have to rethink the game. Find inefficiencies, and exploit them to our advantage.

RJG: What have you been drinking and is it legal in my home state?

BC: Yes and no.

RJG: That doesn't make any sense.

BC: It isn't all about you, Respect Loser Pranksters.

RJG: Really?


There you have it folks. The Yanks have a strong plan for building their roster in the foreseeable future.


Rich Mahogany said...

The real question is: who will play Brian Cashman in Moneyball 2? The smart money is on Daniel Day Lewis.

Fernando Alejandro said...

I'm wondering who's going to play Brian Cashman in Brian Cashman Vampire Slayer. The question is, how do you slay vampire's while maintaining fiscal responsibility, and managing to get costs under a set budget one year from now?