After two unimpressive starts, including one in which Joba was unable to retire a single batter of the collection of double A hitters the other team surely threw at him, Joba pitched a strong three innings. Joba attributed the improvement in performance to three veterans, Posada, Pettitte, and Molina, who gave him a "kick in the rear end."
Approached by reporters and asked what he said to Joba, Posada responded, "Not a damn thing, I kicked him in the ass." Pettitte, overhearing Posada's comments began laughing immediately. "I kicked him in the ass too! He was thinking about his poor start, and he had this sad look on his face, so I told him he sucked and I kicked him right in the rear end."
When Molina heard what Posada and Pettitte had done, he decided to get in on the action. An unfortunate dictionary entry, however, affected his execution of the deed. "I heard everyone saying they kicked Joba in the ass, but I wasn't sure what they meant, so I looked up 'ass' in the dictionary. Joba's from Nebraska, he takes his donkey everywhere, he wrote 'BMW' on the side of it now that he's a big leaguer but it's still just a donkey, so I kicked the hell out of his donkey. How was I supposed to know? Now the feds keep questioning me about horses and Kei Igawa. I don't even know what they're talking about. I should never have kicked Joba's ass."
Asked about the rise in ass kicking under his watch, Girardi was contemplative. "Sometimes things happen on a team that help us grow closer. Watching that donkey get kicked so maliciously has really brought us closer together. I mean, Jose was wearing cleats! That poor donkey. It really made us realize how precious life is and I think it helped Joba turn it around."
Joba hopes to continue to improve over the rest of the spring. "Nobody wants that to happen again. I gotta stay on my game." Asked if he regrets beginning the series of events that led to the kicking of a donkey, Posada responded by kicking that reporter in the ass.
No donkeys were harmed in the reporting of this article. Except one, who had it coming. Stupid donkeys.