Saturday, February 20, 2010

Cashman, You're Up!

With the advent of Spring Training upon us, it was time to give another call to good friend of the blog, Yankees GM Brian "Bronny Cash Superstar" Cashman. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

BC: Hello?

RJG: May I speak to Mr. Brian Cashman please?

BC: Speaking.

RJG: I know you are but what am I. Boom! Damn, Bronny. You walked right into that one!

BC: I'm kind of busy right . . .

RJG: Yeah right. Negotiating all the contracts for those final roster spots, right? Blah, blah, blah. Nice try, Bronny. So the team looks pretty good going into Spring Training.

BC: Yeah, we lost some pieces from last year's team, but I feel we brought in guys who can replace their production and guys that are high character guys who will fit in well in the clubhouse.

RJG: Yeah, about that. I keep hearing GMs throw around this notion of bringing in high character guys, but that seems like such a subjective standard. How do you distinguish between a "high" character guy and a "low" character one.

BC: Well, it's actually not subjective at all. It's not like I hang out with a player and if I like him I offer a contract. We use a very accurate psychological analysis, developed by top scientists in Geneva, Switzerland.

RJG: Did you just make that up?

BC: No, it's real. It's known as the Geneva Multiphasic Athletic Personality Inventory, or GMAPI-1. It uses a long series of 'yes' or 'no' questions designed to demonstrate the extent to which a person's character is 'high' or 'low.' It is carefully calibrated to ensure that results are accurate and that players cannot simply cheat the test by answering a particular way.

RJG: Wow, that sounds pretty intense. What are the questions like?

BC: Well, like one question is, when you win you feel like congratulating your teammates, yes or no. Or, when you're in the clubhouse, you like to play music, yes or no.

RJG: Really? Those are the questions?

BC: Some of them?

RJG: Sounds like bull$#!% to me.

BC: That's because you're a 'low' character guy.

RJG: What the #%&@* are you talking about?

BC: I've subtly been administering the GMAPI-1 to you over the course of our conversations. It took over a year to get through all the questions, but it clearly shows that you're a 'low' character athlete. That's why I wouldn't sign you for left.

RJG: You've never asked me any 'yes' or 'no' questions.

BC: I haven't?

RJG: No.

BC: Oh $#!%! You fell right into my trap, Mr. Blogger. You just answered a 'yes' or 'no' question. Ouch, your score is even lower now.

RJG: Wait, that wasn't . . . I didn't . . .

BC: Um, uh, I mean, uh. Great communication skills. You're just burying yourself now.

RJG: Have you been drinking?

BC: Hmm. A 'low' character guy would assume something like that. According to this, you shouldn't even be allowed to attend games as a fan. That's how low your score is.

RJG: Well, I'm coming anyway. What do you think about that?

BC: Threats now. Hmm. Yeah, it's not looking good for you.

RJG: Alright, Bronny. Who do you think will win the fifth starter job?

BC: Tell me, do you always avoid difficult conversations. Now you're avoiding. I've never seen a score this low.

RJG: Uh oh, I'm going through a tunnel. I'm about to lose you. Ksshhh.

BC: You know I can see you on the screen on the satellite video phone.

RJG: Ksshhh. What's that? Kssshhh. Women don't find you as attractive as me? Ksshhh. How is that relevant?

BC: So sad.

RJG: Oh no! I lost you.

BC: It's not all about you RJG! It's not all about you!


There you have it folks, Cashman has worked hard to bring in high character guys who will help the Yankees win in 2010.


Riddering said...

Oh, how the tables have turned. Cashman is one sneaky GM. I'm just glad he's on our side.

Roberto E. Alejandro said...

Yeah, he really got us good.

Rich Mahogany said...

I think you guys finally pushed him over the edge.

lady gaganonymous said...

Unrelated, but I love how super cranky Posada looks here.

Also, the other day, I saw Mets fans trying to convince each other Armando Benitez was better than Mariano Rivera because "Mariano Rivera is the only active player to blow a save in Game 7 of a World Series." Hold me plz.

Fred Trigger said...

Are you serious?!?! They really said that? For every failure Mo has had in the postseason (which is what, like 3?) he has had 100 successes. What a bunch of idiots. They are just hating on the panamanian destructicon.

lady gaganonymous said...

Mo has, IIRC, five blown postseason saves. Sandy Alomar Jr.'s HR in 1997, and the obvious one from 2001. The other three were in 2004, which was pretty clearly his worst postseason. Buuut he'd been run ragged that year, and some members of his family or his wife's family in Panama had drowned, so his mind may have been elsewhere. And one of those blown saves was really Tom Gordon's fault (Torre didn't want to use Mo for two innings a night after he'd used him for two innings, so he sent Gordon out to pitch the eighth in what I think was a 4-2 game, Gordon serves up a solo HR and two singles to make the score 4-3 with a guy on third and no one out. Mo comes in and doesn't give up a hit, but someone drove home the run with a sac fly. Torre has him pitch two innings anyway. Soooo dumb.). His failures are notable only because they are so, so rare.

Armando Benitez blew six postseason saves in far fewer opportunities than Mo. And for some reason, they're not counting what he did in this game as a blown save (only the Mets could lose a series on a walk-off walk). Not only is Mariano REALLY REALLY good, it is basically an insult to compare Mo to Benitez. And yes, they really said that.

Ummmm anyway, Bronny Cash is pretty awesome, isn't he?

lady gaganonymous said...

also, Fred, I was sort of half-reading your blog, and the post about Bill Simmons' retrodiary of the Super Bowl was excellent and explains why I totally hate that pr-ck.

Rich Mahogany said...

LG, you encountered the only Mets fans on earth who think Benitez is better than any other closer, let alone Rivera. You're lucky you didn't get struck by lightning too.

Fred Trigger said...

I havent posted anything on the blog in a long time, thats bengoodfella your reading, and yes, he is really good at it. He does even better takedowns of Peter King and Gregg Easterbrook.

lady gaganonymous said...

Rich, you only get struck by lightning if you INSULT Mo. And to be fair, I did see Mets fans commenting on an ESPN article (a little while ago) wishing they had Mo instead of Benitez/Wagner for their runs in 1999 and 2006.

Fred, tell bengoodfella he rules.

lady gaganonymous said...

Oh my goodness. Reading your site, I found an article by someone (that you guys were making fun of) from early 2009 when Andy hadn't re-signed with the Yankees yet suggesting the Mets sign him. NOOOOOOOOO that is SO wrong. It is SO much more wrong than Andy on the Astros, which was very very wrong to begin with.

Okay I'm gonna go out now so I'll stop commenting totally off-topic.

Roberto E. Alejandro said...

Benitez better than Mo? Maybe at not being the greatest closer of all time. What an insane thing to argue. Then again, they're Mets fans, insanity comes with the territory.