With the advent of Spring Training upon us, it was time to give another call to good friend of the blog, Yankees GM Brian "Bronny Cash Superstar" Cashman. The following is a transcript of our conversation:
RJG: May I speak to Mr. Brian Cashman please?
RJG: I know you are but what am I. Boom! Damn, Bronny. You walked right into that one!
BC: I'm kind of busy right . . .
RJG: Yeah right. Negotiating all the contracts for those final roster spots, right? Blah, blah, blah. Nice try, Bronny. So the team looks pretty good going into Spring Training.
BC: Yeah, we lost some pieces from last year's team, but I feel we brought in guys who can replace their production and guys that are high character guys who will fit in well in the clubhouse.
RJG: Yeah, about that. I keep hearing GMs throw around this notion of bringing in high character guys, but that seems like such a subjective standard. How do you distinguish between a "high" character guy and a "low" character one.
BC: Well, it's actually not subjective at all. It's not like I hang out with a player and if I like him I offer a contract. We use a very accurate psychological analysis, developed by top scientists in Geneva, Switzerland.
RJG: Did you just make that up?
BC: No, it's real. It's known as the Geneva Multiphasic Athletic Personality Inventory, or GMAPI-1. It uses a long series of 'yes' or 'no' questions designed to demonstrate the extent to which a person's character is 'high' or 'low.' It is carefully calibrated to ensure that results are accurate and that players cannot simply cheat the test by answering a particular way.
RJG: Wow, that sounds pretty intense. What are the questions like?
BC: Well, like one question is, when you win you feel like congratulating your teammates, yes or no. Or, when you're in the clubhouse, you like to play music, yes or no.
RJG: Really? Those are the questions?
BC: Some of them?
RJG: Sounds like bull$#!% to me.
BC: That's because you're a 'low' character guy.
RJG: What the #%&@* are you talking about?
BC: I've subtly been administering the GMAPI-1 to you over the course of our conversations. It took over a year to get through all the questions, but it clearly shows that you're a 'low' character athlete. That's why I wouldn't sign you for left.
RJG: You've never asked me any 'yes' or 'no' questions.
BC: I haven't?
BC: Oh $#!%! You fell right into my trap, Mr. Blogger. You just answered a 'yes' or 'no' question. Ouch, your score is even lower now.
RJG: Wait, that wasn't . . . I didn't . . .
BC: Um, uh, I mean, uh. Great communication skills. You're just burying yourself now.
RJG: Have you been drinking?
BC: Hmm. A 'low' character guy would assume something like that. According to this, you shouldn't even be allowed to attend games as a fan. That's how low your score is.
RJG: Well, I'm coming anyway. What do you think about that?
BC: Threats now. Hmm. Yeah, it's not looking good for you.
RJG: Alright, Bronny. Who do you think will win the fifth starter job?
BC: Tell me, do you always avoid difficult conversations. Now you're avoiding. I've never seen a score this low.
RJG: Uh oh, I'm going through a tunnel. I'm about to lose you. Ksshhh.
BC: You know I can see you on the screen on the satellite video phone.
RJG: Ksshhh. What's that? Kssshhh. Women don't find you as attractive as me? Ksshhh. How is that relevant?
BC: So sad.
RJG: Oh no! I lost you.
BC: It's not all about you RJG! It's not all about you!
There you have it folks, Cashman has worked hard to bring in high character guys who will help the Yankees win in 2010.