Lethal Weapons No Longer Necessary in Post-Steroids Era

MLB has banned guns, knives, grenades, and other deadly weapons in all Major League clubhouses. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one Major League executive explained the reasoning behind the policy.

"You have to understand that from about 1997-2003, Major League clubhouses were very dangerous. At any moment some teammate who had just put on 100 pounds of muscle in three days could just lose it. You needed guns back then. But now, with the toughest drug testing program in professional sports in place, you just don't need those weapons."

Many players agree with the new ban. "You can't have guns anymore," explained one second baseman. "It's not like the old days, where clubhouses were cold, violent places. Now with all GMs emphasizing bringing in high character guys, we just don't need the weapons to protect ourselves."

Some players, however, were not so happy. "I don't like it," declared one veteran journeyman. "I've got to compete with 21 year-old kids who run like Cheetahs and field like...like...like some animal that fields good. How am I supposed to win a roster spot if I can't put the fear of God in 'em with my brand new, fully automatic, .50 caliber, hunting machine pistol? Whatever happened to the constitution? I guess Bud Selig's a commie now. You lookin' at me, rookie?"

At that point we weren't sure who he was talking to anymore, so it was time to leave. One group that will be glad to see the weapons gone are major league beat writers, who bravely worked under the constant threat that a player might have more than an opinion about a recent article or column.

"I never felt safe," explained one reporter. "One time, a player came up to me waving his new hunting uzi. He was all like, 'How dare you write this about me?!' I was like, 'write what?' And he's like, 'You said I went 0-4 with two strike outs!' In my head I'm going, 'That's because you went 0-4 with two strike outs.' I'm glad the guns are gone now."