Monday, February 22, 2010

Controversy Rears Its Ugly Head in Yankees Camp

It was only a matter of time. Controversy has once again threatened to take the focus away from winning a 28th Championship at the Yankees Spring Training camp. Tiger Woods will no longer bear the weight of being Sports' greatest philanderer. He now has company: Derek Jeter.

"I walked into the clubhouse, and I couldn't believe it," explained a stunned Roger Federer. "Right, there in Jeter's locker . . . a Schick Quatro. I'm still stunned."

Since the revelation that Jeter has used razors other than the Gillette Fusion with which he has been linked for some time, Jeter has avoided making comments or appearances in public, preferring to treat this as a private matter.

"I don't think he can just stand by in silence and hope this passes by," said a teary Thierry Henry. "One time, I was hanging out with Jeter, and he told me that the Fusion meant nothing to him. Sometimes he would even use Bic Disposable Razors right in front of me, like I wasn't even there."

Gillette has yet to release an official statement regarding Jeter's willingness to stray. A first draft of a statement obtained by RJG read simply:

Derek Jeter . . . You f-----g whore.

While many think Jeter's privacy should be respected and that he should be left alone, others feel strongly that he has damaged his reputation beyond repair.

"It's not like he plays for some team where he could just grow a beard and we'd all say, 'see, he doesn't even shave anyway, no big deal,'" explained Media Relations Consultant and all around piece of $#!% Ari Fleischer. "He plays for the Yankees. He can't have facial hair. He shaves everyday, and everyday we see him, we'll wonder. Did he use a Gillette today, or one of his other floozies? It's going to be hard for him to recover from this."

Only time will tell whether Jeter can indeed recover from this. So far, he has been able to keep most of his endorsements, but with increasingly stunning razor revelations coming to the light of day almost daily, it may just be a matter of time. While the Yankees have so far publicly stood by their embattled shortstop, sources indicate that they are quietly looking for ways to void his contract.

"This is a big deal. The Yankees are a brand, and this is not the image they want for their brand."


Dylan Murphy said...

I'm glad this is what our sports world has come to.

EDWIN said...

Hay rumores que" Johnny" el barbero de Cidra recibió una oferta de Jeter para que sea quien lo afeite utilizando una navaja común de un filo.

Roberto E. Alejandro said...

La situacion se sigue empeorando para el pobre Jeter.

Anonymous said...


Joanna said...

This was the most amusing thing I've read all week.