Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Pavano's Online Diary

Through our premier internet search tools, we found Carl Pavano's online diary. It was password protected, but guessed the password correctly and got in. The password was "powertools". Don't ask us why. Any way, we were able to copy a section of his diary from the day he threw the bullpen session. Check it out:

February 8, 2008

Dear Diary,

Today I threw the ball again. It required a ton of mental preparation. I stayed up all night watching my He Man DVD's to get myself pumped up for the session. There was this one episode where Skeletor stole He Man's powers, and He Man hurt his arm. Then He Man said "By the power of gray skull, I am He Man" and bam! His arm was okay. Why does He Man say "By the power of gray skull" anyway? Gray skull is Skeletor's home, and Skeletor's his worst enemy. That never made much sense to me. That would be like me saying "By the power of Mussina's Gambrel roofed home, I am Pavano!" That might be a cool way to take the mound from now on. Anyway, when I took the field I felt like such a man. Gosh I wish people would call me He Man. Then I could pitch in my underwear like the Spartans before me. I would need a shield, and a steed. Maybe a dragon. I could ride a dragon up to the mound, and then say "By the power of Mussina's gambrel roof home, I am Pavano!" Then my muscles would bulge and I would take the mound with a shield and my underwear. The crowd would start chanting my name, and I would hold up my shield to the Steinbrenner luxury box and yell "Steinbrenners I salute you!" The batter would crap his pants right there. All those hot chicks Jeter's always with would flock over to me. That would be so cool.

I started playing my Candy Man soundtrack, since it helps get me pumped up. That Shelley Duncan kid tried to turn it off, and I had to put him in his place. Why doesn't he get a man's name like Carl, or Derek, or Jeter? Gosh, he's an idiot.

I threw for about a minute, and my arm started to hurt. I really wanted to quit, but then I made it to the second minute and I felt fine. By the third minute I was going to quit, but then the Candy Man theme song came on, and I got a second wind. That lasted me until the 6th minute when I did take a break. I drank some gatorade. Red. Just like the blood of Candy Man's victim's. I wish I was Candy Man. Bees would be my best friends, and I would send them to do my biding. I bet I could get them to infest Mussina's home. He always steals my newspaper right from my locker and then finishes the cross word puzzle before I can get to it. Then Matsui does my Sudoku. All I have left is the funnies, and I never understand them.

I called Chamberlain to see if he wanted to watch Candy Man with me. He said he would be there quarter past never and then hung up. I checked my watch and realized that was the exact time Alyssa Milano said she would call me back. He didn't show up. That's okay because if he says my name in the mirror three times, I will be there, with a hook for a hand, ready to take action.

Well that's enough for now. I need to get back to this Bionic Six marathon they're doing on TV. What ever happened to all these great shows? Bye.

Carl Pavano


Anonymous said...

that is true writting talent. thank you.

Anonymous said...

Just the mention of Pavano's name makes my gut knot up. I think we need a countdown of days until Pavano is off the roster.

Broken Arrow said...


I tried to come up with a list of things more useless than Carl Pavano, it was a short list. Maybe you should take a crack at it, I'm sure that you can come up with more than just the human appendix and male nipples that I came up with!

Bucky7588 said...

i know what is more useless than carl pavano, the 40 million dollar contract the yankees gavae him!

Fernando Alejandro said...

Pavano isn't the most popular Yankee to wear the pinstripes I gather.