A-Rod Goes to Far Lengths to Remain in Headlines

First he had four friends leak the fact that he had tested positive for steroids in 2003 to Selena Roberts. Then he hurt his hip after a photo-op at the WBC DR practice. Then he made out with his reflection after having his surgery, then calling his former pimp/girlfriend to leak the fact that they dated while he was married to the Daily News. Now A-Rod has gone too far, flying to Spain in order to knock Lance Armstrong off his bike, possibly injuring his collar bone and affecting his ability to come back to the Tour de France. We asked A-Rod why he knocked lance over, he responded simply, "It's been more than 24 hours." When asked what he meant, A-Rod explained. "I haven't made a headline in over 24 hours. People will forget about me if I stay in Colorado. Before you know it, Melky's playing third and Jeter will change his haircut so mine no longer looks like his." A-Rod's clearly lost it, but attacking a national icon is not the way to go, unless that icon is someone like Bernie Madoff, or anyone working on Wall Street for that matter (excluding cleaning people and support staff). When will A-Rod's thirst for making headlines be quenched? We asked him. "Never. I'm like Tantalus. Every time I reach down for a sip of self-confidence from the font of gossip pages it all drains away, leaving me forever thirsty." A bit surprised by this answer, we asked what he thinks he'll do next. "Probably get photographed with a hooker in Colorado, then have my cousin leak the fact that I created credit default swaps. I'm quite the derivatives trader. E-Trade baby!"