Monday, June 28, 2010

The Yanks-Dodgers Series Explained by Way of 'Return of the Jedi' Analogy

The Good

Luke Skywalker (the Yankees) had to defeat his estranged father (Joe Torre) while the evil Emperor Palpatine (the Dodgers) stood by trying to turn Luke to the dark side (being worse than the Dodgers). Luke defeated his father (game 1) but couldn't destroy him, because there was still 'The Good' in him.

The Bad

Then the Emperor is like, "If you will not turn to the dark side, then you will die." He starts kicking Luke's @$$ all over the place with lasers, which in case you didn't know, hurts like a mother#@&%*!. Our estranged/deadbeat dad just stands idly by. (That's game 2).

The Ugly

The Emperor continues to beat us like a rented mule (first 8 innings of game 3). But not a regular rented mule, where he would have had to put down a credit card to cover damages and he refused to take out the extra insurance that only puts him on the hook for a reasonable deductible. He beats us like a rented mule that was on somebody else's credit card. At this point (top of the ninth), our estranged dad can't take seeing his son like this anymore. He comes to our rescue, picking up the emperor and throwing him off a precipice (horribly mismanaging the bullpen and thus obliterating the Dodger's chance of defeating us). It wasn't so much ugly for us, but it was for the Emperor.

Ewoks Throw A Mean Party

A-Rod and Cano both hit home runs yesterday to help Luke defeat the Emperor. Cano's won the game, which meant the increasingly mad with power Cano didn't have to discipline A-Rod for trying to show him up. Don't forget to check out our raffle for a chance to win tickets to watch the Yanks-BoSox on August 7th.

Posada 9hr = $18
Granderson 7hr = $14
Cano 15hr = $30
Swisher 11hr = $22
Jeter 8hr = $16
Johnson 2hr = $4
Rodriguez 11hr = $22
Teixeira 13hr = $26
Thames 2hr = $4
Gardner 3hr = $6
Winn 1hr = $2
Miranda 2hr = $4
Total = $168

14 comments:

cheshirecat9 said...

I can't believe I went to bed after the 8th inning. I am glad the Yanks are coming back to the East Coast.

When I woke up this morning I was very confused by the game summaries I was reading. Thanks for putting this in terms I could understand. Could A-Rod and Teixera's resurgence be compared to Han Solo being free from the cryptonite?

cheshirecat9 said...

Wait, cryptonite is Superman's weakness. And I misspelled it. I forget what Han Solo was frozen in.

Fernando Alejandro said...

Was it carbonite?

Dylan Murphy said...

I say we just find a way to pry Clayton Kershaw away from the Dodgers.

lady gaganonymous said...

I was coming home from PA last night. My train was delayed three hours in a station with no air conditioning. Then, the train was absolutely freezing so I was even more miserable. I figured, though, that Andy being Andy would make me feel better. I came home to see the score at 5-0 and a montage of Pettitte's SUPER AWESOME FIELDING and I swear to God I almost cried.

I nearly turned the game off - and I NEVER do that - just because I was so cranky already and I wasn't in the mood to deal with more montages of Pettitte's fielding or ESPN verbally going down on Torre for bunting. But then I saw A-Rod hit that home run and I figured, hey, 5-2 is a lot different than 5-0. Glad I kept the game on. I was considerably less cranky afterward. :D

Rich Mahogany said...

Bunting is real baseball. When you bunt, you're going all out, like a cowboy riding a bronco or a bar brawler headbutting a waitress. You're Ty Cobb using your spikes to break up a double play and ruin a second baseman's career. You're Carl Pavano's moustache. Every player should bunt, all the time.*

*Except in the 7th inning or later of a no-hitter, which violates the unwritten rules of baseball and will result in everlasting dishonor.

Rich Mahogany said...

Joe Morgan asked me to post his recap of the game, so here it is.

Thanks Rich. NL teams are used to bunting, because the pitcher has to hit. The pitcher bunts, so the team bunts more. The Dodgers are an NL team, so they know how to bunt. The Yankees aren't a NL team, they're an AL team, so they're not used to the bunt, they're not prepared for it, so you can use the bunt to your advantage if you're an NL team, like the Dodgers. We saw in that inning a lot of bunts, they were bunting and the Yankees couldn't field the bunts well because they're not an NL team. So the Yankees will try to overpower you, but Pettitte can't overpower you anymore, he's more like an NL team, which has to bunt.

We also see some shadows coming in, shadows make it hard to see, I always found that when I was batting and there were shadows, I couldn't see the ball as well.

Yes Orel, I agree that the Yankees' fielding of those bunts was an organizational embarrassment. Pettitte can't overpower you like he used to, he needs to learn how to handle a bunt.

lady gaganonymous said...

Didn't the ESPN broadcast call the bottom of the third the most embarrassing moment in Yankee history? Seriously, guys? It was really bad, but there's no way that was the most embarrassing moment in Yankee history.

Also, they said something like "Pettitte has absolutely nothing to get Manny out" and then Manny immediately hit into a super weak double play.

Rich Mahogany said...

I believe Hershiser said that the Yankees' inability to field the Dodgers' bunts was an "organizational embarrassment." ESPN at its finest.

Fernando Alejandro said...

It wasn't Andy's finest game, but we couldn't expect him to by Cy Young caliber every start. Or maybe we could....I'll have to look into that.

Uncle Mike said...

Good analogy -- along with a great win. It really pisses me off when Red Sox fans, and anyone else, call us "the Evil Empire." Besides, that phrase was used to by Ronald Reagan to describe the Soviet Union. Hardly fits North American sports' most ardent capitalists, does it?

Still, I like it when we print T-shirts that say, "May the Curse be with you," and "Pedro, I am your father!"

Just remember, the Dodgers are the team that broke Brooklyn's hearts over half a century ago, and the hearts of Giant fans as well, by leading them astray to California. Los Angeles and San Francisco deserved major league teams, but they should have gotten their own.

Rob B said...

What really got me was that Mr. Torre had no problem bunting on the Yankees Sunday; but several years ago there was some pitcher who's name escapes me with some sort of red stuff on his sock, who couldn't run very well or anything, but Torre didn't even call for one bunt against him. What's up with that?

Rich Mahogany said...

Pettitte actually pitched pretty well for a game where he let up 5 runs. Take away the bunt fiasco and he probably has yet another quality start.

Uncle Mike, my dad grew up a big Dodgers fan, but loathed them once they moved to Brooklyn. Sports teams often screw over their native cities when they move (the Expos' move to DC and the team ownership changes that accompanied it were disgraceful) but the Dodgers' move was a killer.

I'm fine with people calling the Yankees the Evil Empire. The Yankees have a huge payroll and use it to get the best players. For much of the last 30 years, George Steinbrenner ran the Yankees like an insane person, and then Hank Steinbrenner treated everyone to his moronic rants. Also like the Empire, the Yankees go through cycles of crushing everyone, getting humiliated, and then crushing everyone again. So maybe the nickname is deserved.

In light of all the Evil Empire talk, I find it funny that when the lineups are introduced at a Yankee game, they play the Imperial March during the visiting teams' lineup and the Rebel Alliance Theme during the Yankees' lineup.

I do have a problem with anointing the Red Sox as plucky, gritty, hardworking champions who succeed against all odds.

lady gaganonymous said...

What really got me was that Mr. Torre had no problem bunting on the Yankees Sunday; but several years ago there was some pitcher who's name escapes me with some sort of red stuff on his sock, who couldn't run very well or anything, but Torre didn't even call for one bunt against him. What's up with that?

Yeah but Pettitte is all virile and masculine and stuff while that other dude was possibly dead. NOT CLASSY!!!!!!

I do have a problem with anointing the Red Sox as plucky, gritty, hardworking champions who succeed against all odds.

You forgot that they're all playing baseball out of the goodness of their hearts, as opposed to the evil Yankees who are only in it for the money.